Grace Must Wound Before It Heals

The title of my blog is the same as Justin McRoberts' latest album. I want to chew on that phrase for a while. It comes from a quote by the author Flannery O'Connor, whom I want to add to my growing reading list....

Tonight I had the opportunity to attend my first house show. I felt like I had happened on some buried treasure upon discovering Justin McRoberts was coming to Marblehead. Totally random finding it, but that's how my life is right now. So I knew it was perfect.

A music-loving friend from my church couldn't make it, so I wavered between not going and begging Rosana to come. Rosana caved. Added to our happy band was her buddy Rebecca who lives in Marblehead. We were headed to a personal concert, conversation, and food. A killer combination.

I don't know if I can do the night justice. First of all, Marblehead is iconic New England. When you think of this area, this is what comes to mind. The architecture is truly amazing. Rosana and I enjoyed our drive in, continually remarking how we need to come back in the daytime to browse all the shops (and for me to take about 1000 pictures). We collected Rebecca and walked to the show from her house. Creeping along the quiet, seaside street, we glimpsed a lone sign pointing the way. We had arrived. The home was part of a duplex right on the water; a perfect combination of old New England, Martha Stewart, and Pottery Barn. (Rosana even remarked that she could see me living there...that was an incredible compliment.)

We were greeted immediately by the host, who ushered us in and introduced us to the few others who had already arrived. Hot mulled cider and fresh corn chowder awaited us in the perfect kitchen. We quickly met a few people and enjoyed chatting for a while. I spent most of my time talking with a Gordon College student named Maggie who came to the show on her own. I gave her props for that. My other buddy was Robin, a transplanted midwesterner from Minnesota who was recently married. The connection with both these women was immediate and we exchanged email addresses. I am looking forward to getting to know them better.

For those who don't know Justin's music, he's not blatantly "Christian" in his style or message. He is active in a myriad of social causes including the One Campaign and Compassion International. He isn't signed to a label so he can say and do what he wants. I have to admit that I admire that individualism. He does it in the right way--he's not an individualist just to be one, it has a purpose.

I got to know a lot more about him tonight through his stories. He's wickedly funny with a dry wit--totally my style. He has a passion for Christ that breaks the American Christian mold. He loves people. He can preach. He can rescue me from the bathroom when the door gets stuck (ask me about that one later).

Sitting there in that gorgeous old leather club chair, I let the music roll over me, hearing the crash of the waves behind me. Tonight was one of those much-cherished moments that God provides so graciously. I'm just happy to be here.

Crunchy Granola

Well, I stayed up in NH at the condo until yesterday afternoon. It was pretty great to be where it's so quiet--you feel like you can actually breathe a little bit. I love the city, but it's nice to be able to drive a couple hours to the middle of nowhere (read: no Sprint service; ok, so that doesn't have to be the middle of nowhere). I'm not your regular crunchy granola girl and I don't enjoy camping out under the stars, but I have to say I've experienced God in the most profound ways through nature. It's just so much bigger than we are and we didn't do a thing to create it.

One of my favorite memories of the outdoors happened when I was in college. A friend dragged me out in the freezing cold one late November night to the middle of nowhere (this took about 10 minutes' drive from my campus). He somehow coaxed me onto this abandoned railroad bridge over a gorge. I'm just glad I couldn't fathom how high up we were when he told me because I couldn't see it. (You better believe I would have NEVER walked out there in the daytime.) It was a sacrifice I had to make for the view of the Leonid meteor shower. It was a really an amazing viewing year for that. I think we were out there for at least a couple hours, just watching and talking in the weighty quiet of the Pennsylvania forest.

Moments like that don't happen every time I'm in the midst of trees, but I'm happy to have them to remember and to have the hope of more in the future.

Being outdoors is like yoga for me. Just you, quiet, and your breath. Everything else that doesn't matter just falls away. So I have to ask myself, why don't I get in nature or do yoga more??

New Hampshire

I've been in New Hampshire since yesterday afternoon and it's been interesting. Angela and her friend Jackie were here with me until about 4pm today. We wandered all over the area, taking scenic routes (which made me surprisingly carsick) up to the White Mountains. We checked out the remaining foliage, some amazing natural rock formations and historic covered bridges. I took a ton of pics, the best of which are posted here.

Sitting in this condo on Newfound Lake is balm to my soul. Being here makes me calm. I could be hanging out alone at my apartment just as well as I am here. But there's just something about getting away from your typical setting. I'm having the same old struggles with TV, internet, and phone as distractions, but I'm separating from that for the rest of tonight and tomorrow. I need to meditate on the Word, His creation, some things a friend said the other night, and just listen to God. I don't need to leave here until about 1pm tomorrow and I'm going to cherish this time. This is my fall retreat.

jesus camp

as a result of my newfound spontaneity, i spent the afternoon in the city, meeting with the women of the ccpc and then to an unplanned dinner-and-a-movie with an equally unplanned little group. having read about a new documentary entitled 'jesus camp,' i wanted to go. i knew it was going to be one of those naked depictions of a form of christianity that doesn't meld with what i know about the gospel, but i needed to go. i needed to sit in that theatre in the middle of cambridge and be uncomfortable. i needed to hear the reactions of the people in there. i needed to look at this representation of christianity from the outside.

what i learned was that you can edit anyone's comments to make them say anything, but you can't deny a lot of what was in the film. at points i was ashamed to also be called a christian. at points i felt mocked. at points i cheered in agreement with the film's commentary. it was a really important that i saw the film--it's always good to get pushed out of the cocoon and hear what our jargon sounds like to the world. i left the theatre wide-awake aware of the need to live out micah 6:8 and to cling closely to Christ and the way He related to the world.

my existential crisis

i'm giving myself a lot of credit for calling my desert place an existential crisis, but it feels that way for now. in a few months (or years) when i'm well on the other side of the valley and can clearly see how God used this time, maybe i'll refer to it as something else. for now, it's still an existential crisis. it's hard for it not to be when one is buried under grieving over so much loss of various kinds. it's been a struggle to find my place and a vision. i've found it increasingly difficult to dream. that's not something that works out well when you are in boston to sew ministry with college students. i've been wrestling with God for the better part of the last month or so. it was happening before then too, but it's more obvious now.

i've been reading a lot, listening to sermons, getting back into the fabric of worship music i love, trying to pray, staying connected to the community that i have here. it's been a rough work this wrestling. i want so much to hear God's voice again.

tonight i pulled out louie giglio's sermon series lost in translation. the talk entitled 'left turns, detours, and the sovereign will of God' has always been one to speak to my heart. in it, louie leads us through the story of joseph from genesis and his personal story about how God led he and his wife from texas to atlanta. louie thought he was going to atlanta to help his mother care for his dying father, but his father passed on after the moving plans were made, but before they arrived. needless to say, louie and joseph can relate. despite that i've heard this talk at least 5 times, i knew i needed to hear it again: God's story is larger and different than what i perceive as my story right now; the right answer at any time is to do the right thing. what louie said at the very end of the talk is sticking with me. it's not profound, but something i need to hear every moment right now:
"I don’t have a roadmap to get you out of your hole. I don’t ever know how to get out of the holes I’m in. I just know that if I wait long enough, God reveals something and I go, 'I wouldn’t have chosen that, but thanks for letting me a part of the story.' He’s accomplishing something good when even to me it was meant to be evil. That’s a great and a sovereign God."

it's taking everything in me to praise Him as that great and sovereign God.

eharmony

as many of you know, i've delved into the world of internet dating via eharmony. i've been a member since january '06 and had one date. it was a bomb. when my 6 month membership lapsed i decided not to renew. then i was convinced to extend 3 more months by a good deal they offered. so i continued. as of a few weeks ago i lost any enthusiasm for internet dating. i gave up on eharmony. but then i got a fantastic match a few days ago. this guy had all the credentials and wrote a witty profile. i was waiting to get a communication back and i decided to check my profile tonight. he closed the match, citing the reason "other." i am SO done with this. is being in a relationship worth this work and aggravation?

october

i can't believe it's october already. i've been wearing a coat most of the weekend. fall is here. i've been living in this apartment for over a year now. wow. time flies. a friend turned 30 yesterday. i turn 30 in less than 3 months. crap. where has my life gone? have i done as much as i should have by now? have i loved people as much as i should have? have i loved God as much as He wants me to? are these really the questions that have been furtively haunting my brain for the past few months? i still can't shake them off.

Micah 6:8 (The Message)
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.

the science of sleep

i saw "the science of sleep" today. being one of those lucky people that lives in a 'top 15 market,' i relished my weird day off limited release matinee with 10 other just as lucky people. this showing was my first foray into the arty, harvard square cinema 5. (other films playing in this theater included "confetti," "the illusionist," "the black dahlia," and "hollywoodland." the good bit is that their matinee is $7.25...ok, that's not that good, but it's on the cheaper end of things in boston.) the film was in a large theater that swallowed up our lucky souls. i loved the fact that the theater is old, complete with MCMXXV emblazoned below the clocks mirroring each side of the screen. very cool, but on to the film...

if i tried to explain the plot, i wouldn't do it justice. one has to view 'the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" to understand director michel gondry's style and vision. it is not a linear plot, but that's ok. my life has been anything but linear lately, and i felt at home in the film. the jokes are generally clever plays on words in 3 languages (the film is primarily in english, with a large portion of french, and a bit of spanish thrown in. pay attention to the subtitles--you will laugh heartily if you've ever been a part of the comedy involved in a multiligual conversation). if you want to see this film, be willing to go for a ride. there isn't an overarching message or political statement, but rather creativity on display. if i had to glean a meaning from the film, it is that we often don't need the things we seemingly want, and to the greatest value is found in relationships with people who understand us. gondry didn't force those messages at all, and viewers have the freedom to draw their own conclusions.

it was a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, especially since i was able to sit in the waning sunlight, just feet away from the harvard square chess master. tuesdays off aren't that weird after all.

Despite my best efforts, I am experiencing my life as bland right now. Nothing stays too exciting for long, in spite of being a part of some cool things lately. I'm learning the life of a believer who is not affected by emotionalism. I've never been here before. I don't know what to make of it and I'm not sure if I should fight it. Why is it so hard to feel?

Random Day

I was off yesterday and ended up doing random things that one can only do when living near Boston. I met up with a friend and enjoyed browsing a great open-air farmer's market in Copley Square, then we lingered over delicious tea and yummie snacks at Tealuxe on Newbury St. It was an amazingly sunny and perfect autumn day, so I walked through the Public Garden, people-watching and remembering how beautiful fall in New England can be.

After that, I caught up with Angela (who tried to scare the ever-living crap out of me on Tremont Ave--it didn't work) and we took the T up to Davis Square. After meeting up with 2 other people, we wandered to nearly every restaurant in the Square (there are lots), trying to decide on something to eat. I think we chose one of the worst...I had the most heinous fettucine alfredo there. But at least it was pretty cheap!

After dinner, we walked the Square again and came across a hilarious hot dog eating contest at Spike's. This guy needed to eat 9 dogs to get on the 'wall of fame.' When we came upon the scene, he had consumed 8 and had 10 minutes left to complete the task. I was engrossed, staring through the window at the man, his stack of hot dogs, and the huge group of friends he brought to cheer him on. Our little band of girls was outside, chatting with some of his buddies, and cheering randomly when we were called upon. The guy made the worst facial expressions, reminding me of contestants on Fear Factor who ate disgusting items for relatively little money. He was ready to puke at any moment. And I was glued. The entire situation was better than any reality TV show since we were active participants in it. He was half-way through his 9th dog when time ran out. Dang. No puking, no wall of fame. I'm glad I wasn't there the whole 90 minutes...

Then we proceded to have an OK time chatting with a person I don't enjoy very much. Ang and I left around 10 to grab the T back to my place...where she fell asleep watching Annapolis. I, of course, was awake the whole time. My night owl tendencies are in high gear. :)

bipolar disorder? or is it a spiritual thing?

i ran smack into the downside of my new job--i can no longer mask a poor spiritual walk with excessive busyness. i'm not busy anymore. *boom* the bomb of my crappy walk with God dropped about thursday afternoon. all those ugly 'little' sins that i'm so prone to just oozed out of my pores. i had (and have had for at least a couple months) no taste for prayer. i slept ALL the time. i was completely sick of myself by saturday and by sunday night i needed to do something. i was rotting inside but too numb to be affected by anything. that feeling was so familiar and i didn't want it to stay.

so i called jess. truly, she means more to me than my family. she's been right there being used by God through the majority of my spiritual growth in the last several years. i needed to fess up and get beaten up. we talked for a while about a lot of things but got down to the core issues pretty quickly. i am sorely lacking in community. i am ashamed of my loss of passion for Christ. i just want to hear Him again.

writing that out makes me think there somehow are easy solutions: get community, get passionate, & pray. but those aren't so easy to come by.

this morning i listened to tim hughes music. nothing. later i was driving to meet with my boss and i listened to the first sermon from the alabanza summer retreat. nothing. after the meeting i listened to part of the second sermon. a little something. i walked into my first ccpc meeting. a little something more. i was asked point-blank in front of everyone how i was doing. deluge. flood. waterfall.

i lost it in front of the people who are really my community now. i hadn't forgotten about them, but i needed to be reminded of them. they listened through my blubbering, incoherent thoughts. i was naked. i was loved. and i can hear again.

so my life is going to stay on the quieter side of things. i'm going to 'fast' from things that tend to get in the way of my walk: too much entertainment of the secular variety, alcohol, excessive sleep. i'm reading the Word a lot more than just a chapter when i wake up. prayer is brief but frequent. these things are not going to be my salvation from this pit--God is.

tonight i've done some things for work, talked to a friend on the phone, ate some fantastic pf chang's leftovers with chopsticks and listened to A Collision a few times through. simplicity is good.

My New Life

I never imagined that opting out of the 8-4 existence would mean this much freedom. I feel like I'm awash with time, overwhelmed with many possibilities. I'm not not working, but it somewhat feels like that. I've already been able to go to an unplanned Flaming Lips show last night (for FREE!), which I might have turned down had I been working today. And today is for laundry, errands, and time with a friend. It's like living a chocolate existence. Why didn't I figure this out before? I know that this fairy tale will most likely have its downside at some point, but from where I sit right now, it's beautiful. I can't wait to enjoy all the things one can do when a job isn't the primary focus. Praise God.

David Crowder's Tidbit (or 850 Words) of the Day

A Costly Faith: Lessons from a Pawnshop Van
by David Crowder

I grew up in east Texas—Texarkana, Texas, to be precise. The town's name nods to its fantastic geographic mergers, as half the town sits in the great state of my birth, while the other half hangs over into Arkansas. I guess the idea of a dualistic geographic state seems fantastic enough to warrant this pictorial monument, as I have in fact personally observed a number of pictures taken in front of the sign. And I'd add that those participating seemed genuinely excited. But I've stood there myself, and I couldn't feel a thing.

If I were to sum up my experience growing up there for those who are unfamiliar to its culture and its people, I would tell them about Gary Mills. Gary worked for my dad. Sort of. That is, when he wasn't in jail.
Gary owned a van he bought at a pawnshop. Only in the piney woods of eastern Texas and portions of rural West Virginia can vehicles be acquired from pawnshops, for like $2. It seems vans acquired from pawnshops can be surprisingly prone to failures of varying types. One day Gary's accelerator cable broke. Gary, being almost genius, rigged up a cheap solution. The large intrusion of plastic in a van, bulging out into the forward-inhabited space between the driver's right knee and the passenger's left knee, is often crowned with faux-wooden beverage holders and covers what mechanics like to call "the engine." Being almost genius, Gary drilled a hole through the plastic cover. He then ran a rope through the newly drilled hole and attached the rope to the engine's accelerator arm. Thus, the rope then became the accelerator pedal! Now to move the vehicle in a forward direction, Gary needed only to reach over to his right and pull on the rope hanging from the freshly drilled hole in the plastic engine cover. Astounding! Almost genius! But his mastermind genius did not end there! No! He then took a saw and cut a slit down from the freshly drilled hole, effectively forming the shape of an antique keyhole. He then tied knots in the rope at different speed increments. Cruise control! Almost genius I say!

This strikes me as too closely metaphorical of my faith—being born in the American South, Christianity costs me nothing. It often feels to me cheap and rigged. Like things keep breaking along the way, and now I'm pulling on this ridiculously intricate array of ropes spreading to so many levers and pulleys, and my hand is getting rope burn from all this tugging, and the knots are starting to fray, and I think duct tape is involved. Not to say I haven't occasionally made attempts toward a costly faith. Once, I gave up R-rated movies (being more concerned with a movie's rating than the real-life societal issues the film may have been a reflection of). Or perhaps we relinquish the use of certain words, or cease the consumption of certain beverages or the inhalation of certain burned materials. And we applaud ourselves while bemoaning the costliness of the Gospel. And the irony is that all these efforts often serve to only cheapen our faith. They become but more ropes through more holes, and I have but only so many hands.

Lately I've been thinking about the soul. And death. Our mortal state, situated here as humans. It seems like we don't do that much anymore—think about death and the nature of the soul and the body. And maybe this is understandable, seeing as it used to be our primary point of conversation when discussing our faith with others—the turn-or-burn evangelism of our not-too-distant past. The logic was that if the present were just transitory, if we're just passing through, then it followed that there was no need to feel any affinity toward this place or spend much time trying to tidy up, which is almost brilliant. But we've now moved on, I think. The present has taken center stage. But my fear is that in hopes of becoming more palatable and less divisive, we forget the eternal unfolding in our words and deeds.

I think we live in a space divided. I think Jesus insisted that the kingdom of heaven was not just a space we would later inhabit, but also one that He was bringing here and now. We exist with one foot here in the earthly and one in the eternal. Yet we rarely feel it. We rarely live with a sense that someone should take a picture. That what is happening right now bears documentation. That we're in two places at once.

I want to live a faith that is a reflection of the cost of its eternal origin, not merely a reflection of my transient one. I want to feel the reality of where we sit. That the things we decide here are eternal ones. That our conversations mean something. I want to live in a manner that feels heroic, that turns the invisible into the visible, that is a solid intrusion of the eternal into the divided streets of humanity.

The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

I love the feedback log feature on Xanga. I am addicted. I don't know if it's curiosity or vanity that compels me to determine who is reading my rarely sage words, but I check the listing daily. Seriously...I told you I was an addict. The problem comes when I find something out in the log--either the fact that someone I'd rather not read the blog is reading it, or that people I really want to check it out aren't. It must be in some fashion like when Adam and Eve ate of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The drive to know is often overwhelming, but sometimes the knowing itself brings you more unanswered questions.

Back in the Land of Warm Weather and Afternoon Thunderstorms...

So I'm in the good ol FL for a few days, seeing my parents and assorted friends. I probably won't go to the beach at all unless someone drags me down there some night. It's pretty, but you just BAKE out there in the summer. I kind of love it at night, all mysterious and dark. It becomes dangerous to walk in up to your ankles. You never know what kind of creature will come up and get you (AKA croc hunter).

All that aside, I'm glad to be here and just relax. I've got some long stretches of time planned with people I love. It's time to be me and let go in a place that knows who I am. Boston knows who I am and wants to change me. Pittsburgh knows who I was in college. Florida, for me, is like a city of refuge from the Bible, although I have to be honest and say that I'm not the same person I was when I left here a year ago.

Coming back always brings knowledge and growing through God. He uses people here in FL in strategic ways to strengthen my faith. I know this trip isn't any different. I need to be challenged in my walk. It's been far too easy to get soft in my daily disciplines in a place where none of it is valued. I battle every moment to see truth and deny lies in Boston. Being missional is very, very hard work. It requires the discipline of Christ and I know I don't have that. The way of the truth truly is a very narrow, rocky, dangerous path. That is not the way of those in Boston--they want easy, well-tred, beautiful, and entertaining paths. Christ is not that path. At least I have eyes open enough to see the obviousness of the lie because it's not couched in religiousity. At least many people in Boston clearly reject the truth and make it known where they stand. At least we have a starting point. It's much harder to minister to someone who already believes the 'easy' percentage of what you have to say.

So I'm here, ready to soak up the truth that God has laid for me. May I be humble enough to hear it all.

The 'Burgh

Side note before I get to the blog...I had completely forgotten that I blogged this AM before work. Long day...

I am now sitting in my brother's 3rd bedroom-turned-office in a suburb of good ol' Pittsburgh. His GIGANTIC black cat (properly named Monster) is laying on the desk next to me. This is the first time I've met the infamous cat. At any rate, my flight was about 30 minutes delayed out of Boston, but I was fine with that. I navigated the 'no liquids' mess just fine. There was a marked decrease in the carried-on baggage since when I last flew in July. And I just need to add that JetBlue rocks. This airline definitely needs to fly into Pensacola or Ft Walton...great service, great seats, DirecTV...

The last day at work was quite odd as last days go. I worked. I summed some data, helped out in a few crises. The only thing that would have made it more normal would've been a meeting. We had a cake party in one of the classrooms--it was really sweet. I cried a little bit, but I know I'm going to be able to see who I want to see. I'm not moving anywhere this time. I'm looking forward to expanding relationships with people that were limited by the bounds of 'professionalism.' I'm praying that God will blow those doors wide open with opportunity.

So, I'm ready to rest and see what God brings on. It's been an intense summer--a crucible perhaps. I wonder what's going to come of this next week?

Rest

Breathing in and out. In and out. Seeing clearly. Moving forward. Breathing in and out. In and out.

That feels so good I can't even express it. Pure joy.

Woah

By some literal miracle of God, I am DONE with writing my final exam and preparing my last lecture. Done done. This summer of constant work for class and therefore no tan is done. YEAAAAA! I'm shouting. Seriously. Now it's time to clean like a bandit and await Kasia's arrival. I. AM. SO. EXCITED.

To cast a long, lingering look behind

I absolutely should be either writing my final exam or my final lecture right now, but I just can't get down to the business of doing that until I can get this blog out of my system.

Today was the first time since I tendered my resignation that I feel uneasy about it. I had my last visit to one of the group homes tonight and the staff there didn't know I was leaving. I had no idea they didn't know. I tried to explain to the verbal student that I wasn't going to be coming back to the residence again. She told me I should come back and visit again even after I stop coming to the school. Then she asked if she could move into my office and take over my desk. (Which is more than a little hilarious since she's 9 and earns to come and visit my office when she follows her rules.) Anyway, it was just a weird conversation to have. I really love the kids and the staff members that are dedicated to their success. Unfortunately other forces have outweighed those benefits. It's time to make my week-long goodbye.

Possibility in Hopefulness

For the first time in a while I feel like I have energy. I attribute this to quite a few things: teaching my 2nd-to-last class that will contain instruction, I can see the end of the tunnel at work, I finished being on-call for the last time, I got a new dining room table that was a fabulous deal, and I had an iced coffee at 3:30pm. Who knows if I'll sleep tonight...In all seriousness, I feel like I'm more fight-worthy than I've been in a long time. Maybe I'll actually have the energy to do all that needs to happen before Kasia gets here Saturday afternoon. It's not impossible.

Potential & Fear, or is it Potential of Fear?

This little tidbit was posted on the blog of a friend, who got it from a Bible study. No matter where it came from, it's applicable and I wanted to share it. Seems like a whole lot of my audience (including myself) needs to take it in deep.
-J
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Too often we conform to the culture or our own little world and don't even think to challenge the roles were seemingly dropped into. Embedded deep in the heart of each person is a passion to discover what they were made for and what they are truly capable of. As touchable as dreams can sometimes seem, the problem occurs when something comes up and you fear you wont have what it takes. You start to believe that you don't have what your dream will demand, and thats where you can potentially lose hold.

What needs to be understood is that desire wasn't yours to begin with but has been wired into you by your Creator God and the fullness of the life He calls you to. When we allow the fear of failure to sever our dreams, we fall short of that fullness. Failure is inevitable to a point, but who ever said it was a bad thing? Failure always comes across as negative because most often when we experience it, (especially with an audience), we feel exposed and jump up so fast to save face that we miss what we could have learned from the fall.

Begin to learn what causes your mistakes so that next time you hit the floor you can get up with an understanding of why you're down there. Gods given you a dream, so trust Him as you pursue it. As Philippians 4:13 says, I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.

Somebody post SOMETHING!

There's been a recent dearth in good blogging in my world as of late. I can't shoulder this alone people! Unless you want to hear me spout Cooper, Heron, & Heward (1987) about punishment procedures, you're not going to get much out of me today...

So, someone blog something I can sink my mental teeth into. Please.

A Quote That's Been Following Me Around

I never read the following poem until a few days ago when a friend emailed it to me. Just tonight I ran across it in a book I was finishing. So I must tack it to the blog for posterity's sake....

Disturb Us, Lord
- Attributed to Sir Francis Drake

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

"A life of risk will be intimidating/demanding/difficult/lonely/overwhelming/troublesome/uncomfortable. But serving God is worth the risk, because God is enough [italics mine]. It's better for us to risk something for which we are passionate about and fail than to never risk at all, because more important than safety is the pleasure of God." --JR Briggs, When God Says Jump

Making It Count

It's been an up and down week for me at work. One day I'm having an amicable meeting with the boss about me leaving, the next day I'm being treated like a persona non grata. Then I tell one of my staff about resigning and she started crying. Hard.

Today I stayed in my office most of the day, keeping to myself, and beginning the long task of organizing everything I do so that some other people can figure it out. I think I deleted half the files on my computer today since so much of it was redundant. Anyway, I only really talked to my staff today, and told a few more people that I'm leaving. All of them asked me if I was joking. That was the universal first response. I guess I don't seem the type to make such a big decision so quickly. And they're right....

Now it's time to leverage the days.

Heart of Ministry

Admittedly I read a lot. Most of it is on the web, which is a great place to find the pulse of the culture and those in ministry that are connected to the culture. I guess I do all that reading because I'm searching for my niche. Being a woman called to ministry is not easy. I'm trying to find a place where my gifts, talents, and calling collide. Maybe that's too much to ask. But maybe it's not.

I'm still here in Boston, committed to church planting, despite the fact that my team is gone. I don't know where God wants me to go with this vision. All I know is that He's ordered my steps to get into a position where beginning seminary is more than possible. I took the step and it feels really good. I'm remembering that Indiana Jones feeling I had last year--walking out onto that invisible platform, trusting God all the way. I will not look down.

------
The original intent for this post was to comment on a quote I read in the Relevant Leader newsletter: "Personally, the issues that most motivate my life in ministry are discipleship and a desire for authentic community in the Church." Did this person read my mind? Or is this the heart of what Christ has called us to in this generation?

Teaching is Hard

I'm heading into class 5 and 6 of my class this week and I'm realizing I have to be more prepared than I really have time to be. I've spent at least 6 hours prepping for this week's upcoming classes and there's more to go. I realized I left half the readings at the office, so I'm going to have to go in early Monday to incorporate the ones for that class' lecture. Argh.

I determined that I give too much graded classwork (completely heightens the busy-work grading factor). So, this week I'm trying to lecture more through the readings. In other words, I'm actually going to teach rather than basically lead them to self-teach, which is mostly what this class is built to be. I had a few complaints about the study guides that came with the course and I feel stupid just sitting there grading busy-work while the class basically rewrites the chapters they read for homework that I then grade. I was bummed on Wednesday because I knew that's what the class was and I didn't have time to get anything else together. It's a work in progress and I hope this week is better.

I can't wait til we get to ethics to do the exercises and debates I'm planning. The classes are extra long (4.5 hours), but I'm going to order us food and we'll have extra time to do the special activities. The cool part is they will be able to work on the debates and deliver them in the same class night. Less homework makes the class happy.

Lump in My Throat

As I get older I see that one of life's great challenges for us is to be affected and changed by circumstances and not overwhelmed by them. Those that walk through joy and tragedy unaffected and those who become stuck in the mud of those circumstances are in the same boat. They've missed the point. There is a time to cry and a time to rejoice. Sometimes those come close in succession. And other times wide apart. But we must feel, contemplate, learn, and grow. That is essential to knowing our mission and essential to knowing God. It seems to me that so many false philosophies, worldviews, and religions are built out of either being disaffected or bogged down by one's path in life.

I feel like I've lived the experiences of 20 people in the past 18 months. I haven't been given the time I want to contemplate those circumstances, but maybe that has prevented the mud problem. The things that have happened are also so close to my core that I couldn't have ignored them if I tried. God is pressing me toward a challenging life that's destined to know Him more. I'm truly being propelled toward Him and desparately separated from my own flesh. I don't think I could even hold on to who I was an hour ago if I tried. It's not that I feel out of control, but rather I feel like I'm being drawn to God by the strongest magnet you could ever imagine. I have to admit that this is more than a frightening experience in the sense of the sheer awesomeness of it all. Why is He gracing me with such an honor to know Him? That is so unfathomable. But deeper and deeper I go into His depths, racing through all the refining tragedy and joy I could ever imagine, recognizing it's a shaping force. I am not who I was an hour ago. He is reforming my mind. He is setting my feet upon a rock and lighting my path. He is calling me for a vision that's requiring such refining. The training must equal the weight of the task.

I'm glad I'm sitting down because in a moment I will be face-down.

Stealing from Drew Moser's Blog...Again...

Drew Moser really makes me want to read this book:

I just finished Ray Oldenburg's intriguing book, The Great Good Place: Cafes, Coffee Shops, Bookstores, Bars, Hair Salons and other Hangouts at the Heart of a Community. It's a sociologist's look into the places that foster community. What makes them tick? How are they structured? Oldenburg calls these effective community gathering spots: "third places". They are informal, distinct locales that fosters community. Your home is your first place, and your work is your second place. Americans, by and large, have no third place, no informal gathering space to hang out, converse, and build relationships.

Some of the symptoms that reveal the need to establishing 'great good (third) places':

Our houses are no longer designed with the front porch as the focal point. We pull our car in our garage, enter the house from the garage, and never interact with our neighbors.

Even our coffee shops are more concerned with profitable efficiency. Hence, chains like Starbucks hiring speed/efficiency gurus to get your coffee order filled in under 3 minutes (or something like that)
Restaurants...even sit-down restaurants, adhere to the same goals. Get you in, get your food, and get out. It's interesting: on my most recent trip to Italy, we made a reservation for dinner at a local restaurant. The reservation reserved the table for us for the entire evening. . .

Statistically, American stress levels are extremely high, in proportion to our 'affluence'. We have no place to go, relax, and unwind with good company.
To put it another way...cultures that have 3rd places live on a healthy tripod of home, work, and 3rd place (cofee shop, pub, etc.) In America, we're walking through life on stilts (home and work), and we're burning out...

If we were to bring back the third place, consider the impact. In Oldenburg's words: "the stranger feels at home--nay, is at home..." (xxviii)

Being a pastor, Oldenburg's findings have profound insight on how we, as a faith community, design and create the spaces we occupy. Can't there be more to a worship space than pews and/or chairs, and a stage with a screen on the back wall? I hope so...

Sunday in the City

Working on class stuff yesterday was a great decision because it afforded the opportunity to play today. A great AM yoga practice, brunch at Fire & Ice, a movie, and then church at Park St. Good times in Cambridge and Boston. I totally tired myself out, which is a good thing.

The best part of the day was church. I'd never been to one of the contemporary evening services at Park St Church and I really enjoyed it. We sang How Great is Out God and I remembered how amazing it is to sing that song with a lot of other people. I didn't realize how much I missed worshipping like that. I don't know if Park St is where God is going to place me for ministry, but I think it's where I'm going to be for the next season.

Rocket Fuel

A portion of this passage, translated in the Message, just about knocked me breathless last night.

Galatians 5:16-26:

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. [so true freedom is the absence of selfish motives] These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day.[selfishness is governed by feelings rather than truth] Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence? [freedom is calm whereas law promotes compulsion to selfishness]

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time [selfishness]: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.[whoa, our entire culture has been described by this passage]

This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom. [the freedom God provides us to choose or reject Him can be used to dwell in selfish pursuits that flesh out into the behaviors described in earlier verses; God's making it clear that behaving selfishly is a choice to reject Him]

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. [this is why we measure salvation by fruit of lives] We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. [we find holiness in the everyday] We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. [wisdom comes from freedom in Christ]

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.[this is an active process that takes work] That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse.[besides, comparison is rooted in selfishness] We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

--------------------

What I see is this: since our default humanity is selfish (that, in essence, is the sin that Eve committed), we want what we think will make us happy, even at the expense of others (or, in the long run, ourselves). But Christ came and erased that equation. He made it possible for us to live in freedom. He made the final blood sacrifice for us so that we don't have to make them anymore. That focus and need is satisfied. He has paved the way for freedom, but our old selves love structure, rules, and self-promotion. So we act out of the old system and everything goes awry. It's putting leaded fuel into an unleaded engine. The engine will eventually stop working after continuing along feebly for a little while. That's Satan's tool--the woe is me game. That is what divides rather than unites. That's what bogs us down in mud rather than letting us run free.

I'm ready for the rocket fuel.

It's 9pm and 89 degrees

I have to say I'm completely bored and unmotivated, despite the fact that I should be prepping for my class tomorrow night. Could be due to the fact that it's 10 million degrees in here and I enjoyed a nice re-creation of a drink from Pat O'Brien's. No wonder why people in the tropics party and don't do anything else...

A Case of the Mondays

I am bowled over by how hard today was. I woke up too late to have time for devotions. I was running from the moment my feet left my bed, with demands on me left and right. My contacts were bothering me so much that I came home at lunchtime to get my glasses. On the drive home to get the glasses I got rear-ended. There was no significant damage (praise God!), but it was an inconvenience. I sped back to work because I was late for a meeting (that went on without me and could have skipped altogether). I was literally crying out to God on the drive back to work. Today was so far out of my hands. I don't recall the last time I was so desperate for His peace.

I know I'm under attack. The enemy knows what was released in me last week. I can only say that he hates freedom from lies, bondage, and hurt. He especially hates when that freedom leads to a greater understanding of God. God is powerful beyond comprehension, and the knowledge of Him is catastrophic to the forces of darkness. Let me rest in the fray, covered by the protection of Christ. He is my rear guard and His Word is my covering.

A Date

I just got home from my first date with Peter. We met through eHarmony and he's the first guy I've met in person. The date was pretty good--good meal, good conversation (though far too focused on me)....but, I don't feel that spark. He's a really nice guy, but I wasn't hanging on his every word. I talked to my mom and she recommended a second date if he asks for it. She's my mom and that sounds like good advice. Apparently Dad didn't knock my mom's socks off at first either.

I'll keep you all posted.

Hope in Redemption

Prayers for myself--
prayers I didn't even
know how to pray

Answered
With words that are
so sweet
That have no words

A place of ending is
a place of beginning

Circling

Circling

I don't even know
where one begins
and one ends

Infinity

God in this place--
this beautiful place

Heart that's mended

A Collision

I don't think I can possibly condense the last 4 days in a blog post. I don't even know if I can wrap words around them. But over and over, I've seen the redemption story played out for myself and people I love. It's amazing to step back and glimpse (only for a moment) a sliver of what God sees of creation. That fleeting moment, a small fraction, was enough to dumbfound me.

God is a God of completion
He desires redemption
That redemption comes in ways we often don't expect
God wants good things for us
God ordains seasons in our lives

The fact that God has come to Earth and desires to be known by marginal beings such as ourselves blows me away. The fact that He has intimate knowledge of the details of our lives, knows what we need, and actually cares, is astonishing. The way He works our sin, poor choices, and indecision for His glory puts me on my face.

What a holy God!
What a victorious warrior!
What a redeemer!

Dad Update

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't given you an update on my dad yet, but I am now in Florida (for about 2 seconds) before continuing on my way.

At any rate, he's doing much better. Turns out that there were multiple blockages in all 3 arteries, which is odd since he doesn't have high cholesterol or blood pressure. So, the doctors placed a stint in one artery and did angioplasty on another. He was in the hospital overnight for observation and was released Saturday afternoon.

Thanks again for your continued prayers over his condition. I really do appreciate your caring for my family!

Prayer Request

Due to arterial blockage discovered by doctors today, my father is having an angiogram tomorrow at 9am ET. During this procedure the doctors hope to insert a stint into 1 or more arteries. If this is not successful, they will do bypass surgery. Please remember my dad in your prayers!

Love Affair (Not the Regular Kind)

The last 2 weekends have cemented in my mind how much I love this city. Last weekend involved a drive through several neighborhoods and this weekend was time spent enjoying all that it has to offer. Where else can I enjoy tasting chowder from 15 restaurants, sitting in a park, and watching a clipper ship come to dock--all in one afternoon. And on the 4th we've got the best fireworks in the country, complete with Aerosmith and the Boston Pops. Perfection.

Too much

The title of my blog is a reflection of the DMB song of the same name. The band never draws any conclusions about all the things that are "too much," but I can feel it. Too many meetings, too much talking, too much to do. I'm hungering for a little space again. Some time where I don't have to make a decision. Some rest.

It's been an overwhelmingly busy week, and it's been compounded by getting in trouble at work, discovering someone broke into my car, being on-call, making plans for a short trip to FL, discovering some people I love may be moving away from Boston, and trying to negotiate my life to include someone who wants to date me. It's just too much.

Everything inside of me wants to stay home tonight, but it's Bible study. I need to go more than anything. But I wish I didn't have to drive to Boston to get there. Lord, BE MY STRENGTH!!!

Avoidance

So I'm sitting here in my darkish living room avoiding taking my car to get the tire repaired. I'm thinking of all the ways I can prolong this repair. I've been driving around with a nail in there for a couple weeks now. Things are going ok, but I've had to put air in a couple times.

I'm afraid that one of the main reasons I want a husband is so he can take care of things like this. I love the fact that my car reliably gets me where I need to go, but the maintenance (little that there is) drives me crazy. Oil changes, washing, small repairs. Time I'd rather spend blogging on the internet, reading, sleeping, or shopping. Argh...I'll have to bring it to Sears tomorrow since that's the only place open on Sundays. I love/hate my car.

Me? Dating? What?????????????

Is a day off from work the key to blogging all the time? This is my second entry today and I think there might be even more...;)

I joined eHarmony in February with a 6 month trial run on the service. More than anything I think I was trying to scare myself out of the routine (see this post). To date I have only reached 'open communication' with 2 men. The first one left the service and the second one is new this week. I think he really likes me. He is pursuing me--I didn't even make the first communication. I gave him my phone number today and I feel like a teenager again. I'm not the most experienced person at relationships so the little things are still exciting. I think I might throw up if we actually meet each other. I'll keep everyone posted on the blog about any progress.

Mind

Due to recent events I've just heard about, I've begun to think about the mind and the nature of psychosis. What is it about trauma that can cause a biologically-sound brain to believe false things? Is trauma like an electric shock to the system that causes it to go haywire? Where are the paddles so I can shock my friend's mental arrhythmia back to the typical sinus rhythm?

Unfortunately, the brain doesn't work quite so simply as the heart. Isn't that ironic? My friend's problems are a result of a heart unchecked by logic. Now we have a problem. I'm too far away to do anything other than pray and make a few phone calls for counselor recommendations.

So, I'm sitting here on a stormy day off, still in my pjs and nearly helpless to make anything better.

Life is hard.

Masculinity

I was thinking about what to blog tonight and I ran across a thought-provoking post on one of my favorite blogs I was motivated enough to comment on the post. Listed below are the blog and my response.
---------------------------

On Manhood...

Where is manhood headed? It's a thought that's been in my head for a few days. My Dad pointed out this trend to me, and I think it's worth exploring. Consider the history of TV 'men'.
First you have a Ward Cleaver...Clean, wholesome, boring as a watching a brick move (they don't move). He had no personality whatsoever, but was portrayed as a good father to his boys. A father who wore nothing but suits, but a good father. He was well respected.

Moving on, we have Bill Cosby, of the Cosby Show. Bill (or 'Cliff' on the show) was infinitely more real and complex than his predecessor Ward. He was a good, and had some weaknesses (hoagie subs, primarily), but was still a cornerstone of the family. He was a man who, in spite of being a minority, became a doctor who worked, hard, help provide for his family, and was loved and respected by his children. And every prominent jazz musician somehow found his/her way to his house...which made him even cooler.

On to Ray Barone, of Everybody Love's Raymond. Ray's a guy who doesn't help around the house, gets yelled at by his wife, pushed around by his mother, and ridiculed by his brother. He is good at his job, which brings in a paycheck...but other than that, he's portrayed as the Butt (with a capital 'b') of the entire joke of the show: 'ray's an idiot, but everybody love's raymond anyway'.

The formula worked, so every network starting ripping it off. Hence, Jim Belushi of According to Jim. Another family provider who's an idiot. Sure, he loves his wife, but hates 'feelings', 'girly stuff' and loves sports. Oh yeah, and the difference between Ray and Jim: Jim is a 'fat' idiot. He too can't do anything right, is always making mistakes, and always seems to get himself into hot water with the wife.

Take the kids out of the equation, and add a few more pounds, and you've got Kevin James in King of Queens. Working man dork, forced to live with his father-in-law, and always subject to the wrath of his wife.

All of this leads to a progression of TV Dads being portrayed as the man in THE prophetic comedy, The Simpsons. Homer Simpson is the epitomy of dumb, fat, lazy, men.

Now, don't misunderstand...all of the characters above (with the exception of Ward Cleaver) are friggin' hilarious. But it begs the question: Will the real men please stand up? And don't get me wrong...I'm not talking about men who boss their wives around and command authority out of fear. Rather, I'm talking about Biblical Men...Davids, Solomons, Pauls, Timothys, Peters, Johns (not that kind of 'johns')...men who made mistakes, but owned up to them. Men who loved people passionately. Men who weren't afraid to cry. Men who worked hard. Men who didn't exist simply to bring home a paycheck.

Can it get worse than Homer Simpson? Absolutely...and there's a term for the frightening new future of the man: HIMBO. A himbo is a male version of a 'bimbo' (a disgustingly derogatory term). HIMBOs are attractive, young men who exist simply to be arm candy for the new, young, hip, power women of Hollywood's elite (Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, etc.)

While I applaud the fact that women are being empowered (though I'm not really sure if the women listed above are truly 'empowered'), I lament the destruction of manhood. Can't we have both? Can't we have powerful, gracious, loving, smart, intelligent, women and men? Why does our culture always have to exalt one at the expense of the other?

What can the church do to equip, encourage, and empower both genders? I find it interesting that, though men hold the keys to the power of most churches, women are the backbone...serving, teaching, leading. A few men may make the decisions in church polity, but by and large, most men are simply bored in church...not investing themselves, and thus, somewhat warranting their TV stereotypical portrayal.
----------------------

My comment:

I've had more than a few conversations with friends about the trend in the media to portray family men (and men in general) as idiots. I know that's generally not a reflection of men I've had the pleasure to know. My father, and a great many other men I know, do not fit this stereotype, but rather the opposite. Having been born an observer of people and trained as a social scientist and behavior analyst, I wonder about the effect of media on our behavior and thinking. Is media setting our expectations for the performance of men in strategic areas of social behavior, church, and family life? Or is media a reflection of what we've become as a society? Why is this stereotype so acceptable and viewed as funny? Are married/family men one of the few "safe" things we have left to joke about?

This begs the following questions:
How can followers of Christ teach truth against such a pervasive viewpoint? How can we model the Bible's teachings about masculinity in a relevant way?

The Promise Keepers movement along with John Eldrege's work have encouraged me as a step in the right direction to answer these questions. Unfortunately, in many churches men are not leading other than by proxy. This is a vital matter of prayer for those of us who wish to see Christ's church celebrate its Creator.

Refreshing

Who knew that 24 hours away from my regular life would be exactly what I needed?

Angela and I headed up to the middle of nowhere in NH to a condo by a crystal-clear lake. (The condo is owned by Angela's employers, for whom she works as a nanny.) We arrived on Friday night, ready to watch movies and soak up the sun on Saturday. That's just what we did.

I enjoyed so much the fact that my phone didn't work and I had no internet access. I actually relaxed, got a little sun (too much on my back), and got to know Angela better. I feel like I got out of my own way a little and can hear God more. My regular life if so full of noise--much of it self-imposed--that hearing God is often a challenge. Now I need to discover how to re-create the space I found in NH to hear God in my daily life. For hearing Him is essential to knowing Him is essential to following Him. And that's my life's mission.

Reflection

Driving home tonight from Boston, I was struck by the site of an amazing, huge yellow moon shining right on me while I was sitting in traffic. It was surprising and almost jarring as I was in the midst of being annoyed at the long wait for green lights. The sight brought me back to something Louie Giglio said: the moon is a big ball of dirt that gets all the props, but it just reflects the sun. In the same way, our ball of dirt lives must just reflect the light of Christ. That glorious moon tonight was giving glory to God. It was praising Him with all that it had, especially so with the optical illusion that happens once in a while. Glory, glory, glory! May my life be one-tenth as glorious as that moon tonight!

Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See, I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me, so all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me so all the world will see
That I have nothing
That I love You, yeah
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing
I am nothing without You

Mercy

So as a lot of my blog entries show, I read articles from all over the web. One might say I'm addicted. More and more as I read and press into issues far more grey than black and white, my heart and my head are full. Maybe this is part of being in Boston and more aware of deep thinking and social justice. But maybe it's just a part of my formation process through the Holy Spirit.

I read an article by Kay Warren (Rick Warren's wife) about AIDS that was posted on CNN's site. Please read it, the responses, and Kay's rebuttal of some of those responses. It's worth your time.

Love justice
Do mercy
Walk in humility

Everything Old is New Again

In my quest to post links from everywhere on the web, I continue with one from the Washington Post about the explosion in home churches. Interesting read. Is this what the Church Public will remain?

Memorial

I want to memorialize Rebekah. I want to honor her life in some way and I'm not really sure how to do that. I haven't been as quick to tears in the last few days when I bring up a story about her, but I've talked about her a lot. Several people at work are also dealing with deaths and speaking of those passed loved ones has been therapeutic. Through Rebekah's death I've been able to join those conversations more ably. God is being glorified in her death, just by the sheer fact that it gives me the opportunity to show Christ's love to those people also mourning.

I've been sitting in Ecclesiastes while working through all my emotions about her death. Chapter 7:2-4 brought truth that I don't quite understand, but have found to be true:

It is better to go to the house of mourning
than to go to the house of feasting,
for this is the end of all mankind,
and the living will lay it to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

In some ways I need to be somber about her life--I need to mourn her loss. I'm so thankful that God has given me the ability to remember the moments that were completely silly and ones that were all about Him. Pictures are just a small part of how I remember Rebekah (check out the best on my Xanga). I'm surprised I didn't have more, but it was fun looking through all my digital albums to capture the best ones. I even found a goofy video with Bek and JLinn doing a Rockette's-style kick line on a retaining wall at Destin Commons, late one November night right after they opened for business. Ahh...when the Commons was fresh and new...It was the beginning of a long line of many evenings spent wandering, drinking Starbucks, and watching movies at the Rave. Rebekah always hosted great dinner parties too--she certainly had the gift of hospitality. There's so much more that I can't even begin to write here. Despite having our differences at times, both of us being stubborn as mules, God used her to teach me so much about Himself. She was a nurse, servant, missionary, musician, teacher, and friend to lost souls. I am grateful to have counted Rebekah Carter as a friend.

Silence and Space

At Bible study the other night I got on a tangent about how when my life is most noisy I hear from God less, and vice versa. I have a hungering need for silence and solitude with God but a bracing fear of actually stopping and being silent. It's a horrible conundrum and most likely one of those things God has appointed me to learn in this earthly life. So, with that in mind, I read Mark Driscoll's blog this morning and found there was a link to an article he wrote for the Faith & Values section of the Seattle Times. (If you don't know anything about Mark Driscoll, you should learn--he's written a couple fantastic books and is putting into practice a ministry in Seattle that in many ways mirrors the one we desire for Boston). So, click here for the article Mark wrote about silence. This guy has an amazing way of putting into words all the things I think (and know) I want to say.

Work

I'm still tired after my trip. I hope this weekend will bring the rest I need, but that's going to difficult since Saturday is a bit busy. Going to bed early tonight after doing laundry will be a good thing.

So, I'm at work right now, kind of taking a break before delving into the stack of paperwork that needs to be logged and sorted. Totally not fun on a rainy Friday, but my desk will be clean at the end of day for the first time in weeks. Next Monday through Wednesday is our school's re-accreditation, so it's been pretty crazy around here for the last month or so. There's still things that need to be done, but there's too much for me to do if I wanted it to be perfect. So it's not going to be and I'm ok with that. Our school's accreditation is not going to depend on 5 of my student's graphs being updated. That's an entire day's worth of stress that I'm choosing not to have. And that's a really good choice.

Back

I stepped inside my apartment about 20 minutes ago, so I'm officially home again. It's about a million degrees in here and I need to get to work, but I figured I'd post to let everyone know I'm home. If I'm not completely exhausted after work I'll post about my trip. I bet you're all waiting in anticipation!! ;)

Spent

Everything that's going on has worn me out. I am poured out. I've been sitting in mourning over Rebekah's death since Thursday afternoon and it's sinking in. I haven't been overwrought about it since Friday afternoon--I'm healing and seeing God work through it, though I'm not quite rejoicing yet. I'm still kind of numb about the whole thing. I've had a lot of opportunity to be alone with my thoughts and alone with God the past few days.

I'm taking it easy at this conference overall. I don't have a passion for the smoozing aspect of what comes along with climbing the ladder in my field. So, I'm opting out of that, just going to presentations to get the continuing ed credits I need. I'm seeing old friends and that feels good. But I'm still so tired.

I'm going to Buckhead Church this afternoon. That's the closest I can get to home while I'm here in Atlanta. I'm praying for rest and a little bit of peace in all of this chaos. I'm praying to see how He is choosing to work in this situation.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

something someone else said (part 2)

Mitch Hedberg says, “I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

But I share his sentiment. I went to go see the DaVinci Code on Friday (I would not recommend it, 2.5 hours of talking and vapid acting) but anyway there were protestors out there with picket signs. I was like…. “Picket signs?”

Does your church honestly think that picket signs are the answer? Do picket signs reach anyone anymore? Is this still a methodology that works? That people respond to? And should this be the church’s line of action? I don’t know…it seems really….well, I want to say “Old Fashioned,” but let’s say “Stupid” instead.

And then at Starbucks, I saw those picketers on the front page of the newspaper. I think if that paper hit God’s porch in the morning, he would throw that days paper in the trash. I doubt He’d be saying. “Well done good and faithful servants. I am so glad you all took this passive stance using archaic and outdated methods.”

All I can think is, “Oh great, more bad press for Christians.” I don’t think non-believers look at that and say, “Wow, those people really stand up for what they believe.” I think they think, “There they go again, pointing fingers…..”

John Burke says, “Everyone knows what the church is against. But do they ever hear what we are for?”

So, I want to picket the picketers. I want to make my own signs that tell the picketers that it’s all going to be ok, and that God loves all people. God loves people who see the DaVinci Code, God loves homosexuals, God loves women who get abortions and God loves abortion Doctors. I want my signs to be bigger than their signs and I want to stand right in front of them, so that all they see is me, and all the world sees is the back of our two signs.

Do I think a picketer ever made a homosexual turn from their orientation? No…

Do I think a picketer should be in the front of an abortion clinic as hurt and confused girls run in? No, But what if we all put our signs down….and left the entrances to these places alone and all met back at the exit.

People don’t need picketers in front of the theatre as people are going in; they need people to meet them on their way out. Not to condemn them, but to help them with their questions, and to invite them to fellowship where their questions can be answered.

People don’t need picketers out in front of abortion clinics. No, but they do need to be there for the broken women who are walking out. Where do these shattered lives go? Can the church be the hospital that it should be? Can it be there to help these people put their lives back together and invite them into fellowship?

Hey picketer! Put the megaphone down, fold up your director’s chair and meet me around in the back. Let’s talk to people, not yell at them. Let’s meet people, not accuse them. Let’s welcome people, not scare them.

Let’s use Christ’s approach. He healed the sick. He raised the dead. You and I have the answer to life. You and I hold the keys to the Kingdom of God. So let’s open doors.

new beginnings

i've been back in boston for nearly 9 months now. enough time to have a baby--so weird. in a lot of ways my time here has been a birth. that imagery has been present with me in a very real way the last few months. so much is growing now--work responsibilities, personal ministry, church ministry, professional opportunities, ministry education. it's more than a little overwhelming. i knew God was preparing me for something big, but this feels so beyond me. my life seems to be moving faster than i am. there haven't been many days in the last few weeks where i felt like i got ahead of the game. and maybe that's the entire point--maybe i'm not supposed to get ahead because God's path for my life can't be accomplished by me. it has to be by His hand alone. this is the same old struggle again, but i get refined more every time. i have my lists every day, but i'm more apt to pay attention to how He's moving and deviate when necessary. some days i'm better at it than others, but i always learn. i'm a ragamuffin who's glad that Christ walks with us on all types of roads.

I See the Light!

My drive home today contained something I haven't seen in days--blue sky. There were little glimpses of it between the clouds that have hung over us for what seems like weeks. Bits of sun reflected magnificiently off the Hancock Building as passed through my favorite overlook in the Blue Hills. It gave me hope that everything that's raining down on me is going to eventually break to reveal the light.

something someone else said

the following article is copied from a blog i read on a regular basis.
-----
Simply Available

‘If we never take time, how can we ever have time?” The Merovingian asked Neo in the Matrix trilogy.

I can’t just talk about having personal quiet communion with God, I have to plan it into my day, or it’s not going to happen. And if I want this to become more adopted in my life, I need to be comfortable developing this habit in my own settings. So, I went to an empty room at my church, locked the door behind me with a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door for any busy custodians and quietly sat on the carpeted floor with a lit candle in front of me.

As my eyes closed, I picked a focus word: Available. It has been becoming more and more relevant in my journey as of late. How can I be more available to God? Not as a tool, or a teacher or a busy-bee, but just as an accessible disciple? How can I be more available to the people in my life? Not as a mentor, or a preacher or a distributor of biblical advice, but simply how can I be more obtainable for their needs? Can I sit still and wait on Him? (Psa 27:14) Can I be a soldier in waiting? Can I be a sentry alert and ready? Otherwise, if I am not available and waiting for commands from my Lord, how will I hear Him if I am too busy following my own decrees?

At first, I fought off anxiousness. “Here I am Lord, available.” I seemed to be thinking. I wanted a theophany or a vision or a feeling similar to John’s revelation. Perhaps I felt that simply by creating the environment, I could create the experience. I could feel my spirit becoming restless. But, this did not seem to fit the idea of being available to God. Was I only available to God, if He was available to me? Why do I feel my relationship with God is contingent upon anything I design? If the Lord said, “Wait here” and pointed to my seat, who am I to become fretful for my orders or apprehensive for His return? My duty is to be present; my obligation is to be offered.

As I sat there, I began to be aware of the spirit of waiting. I was waiting for this moment to pass. I was waiting for the clock to tell me it was over. I was waiting for a personal communion with God. I was in a character of impatience, I was not available. I shook my head and tried to refocus. “I’m waiting.” I heard.

‘That’s true,’ I quickly thought. I had an image of a child sitting in the corner with the extended finger of a parent behind the words, ‘You sit there and think about what you have done.’ No, I was not being punished, but I was being reminded: God waits for me all of the time. God waits for me here in this classroom while I am running around the church hanging signs and getting things ready for Sunday. God waits for me in quiet meditation as I busily teach and hurry through lessons and bible studies. God waits for me in scripture as I race through homework and personal devotions before I collapse in sleep. God waits for me to realize… God waits for me to come…. God waits for me to awaken… God waits for me to see… God waits for me to hear… God waits for me patiently.

Am I as patient? I want to hurry up and graduate, I want my students to hurry up and grow. I want to hurry up and get a full time ministry, I want to hurry up and actualize my future. I want to hurry up and have a child, I want to hurry up and conquer my sins. I want to treat my relationship with God, the way I treat my life here on Earth. I want to get to the next stage quickly. I want to pass the next car. I want to take another step forward in line. I want to progress.

Waiting feels like wasting.

Availability feels like abandon.

Sometimes when we stop to take a breath, we focus on the mountain and are disheartened at the remaining cliff yet to scale. ‘I’m wasting my time,’ we think. ‘I should be climbing.’ But rests and breaths are important for life. They serve a function that although unseen is crucial. My function is to be a disciple, a learner, a sitter and a listener. I receive my climbing orders as the Lord doles them out. My heart and mind and spirit rest in a state of availability. My rest begins with my words, “I am here.” And I sit and wait for his words to mirror mine.
-----
i resonate with what he's saying and try to do that--to make space for God. but it always seems to be on my schedule...i am the person looking at the huge mountain and thinking it's insurmountable. i am the person who thinks the stopping is a waste of time. maybe if i stop i won't ever climb again. so i'm brought back to that same old reminder that God calls us to let go of whatever is comfort to us. and for me it's never stopping. Lord, please let me stop.

weird

i have officially been added to the national autism center's senior clinical staff page. this is a slightly bizarro experience since i'm listed among the literati at the may center. i guess i just don't see myself that way. i posted the link to my bio page if anyone's interested...http://www.nationalautismcenter.org/bios/johnston.html

home depot has more than tools

so, rosana and i went to home depot today, on the search for electrical plugs, flowers, and other sundry home improvement items. we stopped by the paint section to check out some wood stain for her futon. we mulled over the choices a little while and then i saw him--hot joe the paint guy. way back in november when jess was visiting, we debated paint choices for my kitchen at this particular home depot. and that's when we met hot joe. he helped pick out 'bookbinder' for the walls. needless to say, it was a nice experience. the next time i was in home depot, he was there. another time, i saw him stopped at the same traffic light as me.

well, i wasn't counting on seeing hot joe today. he greeted me in the paint section and i smiled. i'm sure i blushed more than a little bit. rosana gave me a hard time about this guy. he is a boy though. probably no more than 23. but dang, he made me act like a high schooler for an hour this afternoon...

once and never again

United 93 was one of those movies that everyone needs to see once and never again. I rank it up there with The Passion and Schindler's List. All are brutal and dramatizations of real, gut-wrenching events. We have to see those things to remember that life isn't all about our new cool stuff, our jobs, or an argument over what kind of pizza toppings to order. Life can be dark, unfair, and out of our control. Pain happens. It's a part of what we have to experience to be human beings.

American culture shelters us from a lot of that. We medicate ourselves from all kinds of emotional and physical pain with drugs, food, sex, relationships, entertainment, exercise--distraction. But to be really human, sometimes we just have to feel the anguish with those passengers calling their loved ones to say last goodbyes. With Jews in concentration camps burying the fetid bodies of their friends. With Christ being flogged for no sin of His own.

That's why I drove home from the movie without the phone on or any music playing. I wanted to sit with that pain for a little while. I cried out to God about why something like 9.11 happened. I remembered that my anguish wasn't new--that the Bible records the pain of many, many people who asked why. And I thanked God that my little moment of pain took me back to Him.

ok, so it wasn't a total disaster...

apparently i'm an egomaniacal control freak. people at work like my hair--a few even complemented me on it before i could ask for their opinion. i was literally obsessing over it all last night, all this morning, until someone said something about it about as soon as i walked into school. how could i be so distracted by such a stupid thing? it's not that my hair looked bad, it's just that it came out differently than i'd been expecting. maybe this is a little object lesson for me that's much larger than hair color. could i be dissatisfied with my life, despite things being ok, just because it's different from what i think it should be? could i be dissapointed with God for not doing what i want Him to do? it's not just hair dye anymore...

disaster

i've just experienced humbling at the hands of a box of haircolor. it turned out awful and i wasn't even trying to be adventurous. just a slightly lighter brown with some highlights. ha! apparently that means light brown with too many copper penny highlights. argh. i'm just going to make it through work tomorrow then dye it back as best i can. the whole idea of it makes me exhausted.

There is a season...

It's been a weird collection of days. Thursday was full of tears. Friday was full of laundry. Saturday was full of service. And today was full of fun. I am down with the writer of Ecclesiastes 3: "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..." That's a huge bit of wisdom I've seen borne out in my life recently.

Despite the intensity that often surrounds me, I'm so thankful for every moment God has given me in Boston. The things I described above are all a part of the mosaic that is Him at work in and through me here. It's a beautiful thing to see. God is wondrous and His ways are far beyond mine. He works every instant out to His glory. Each moment forms my life and equips me to serve him better. How amazing!

In honor of formation, I want to declare to a broader audience an announcement: I am going to attend seminary. I'm not sure when I will start (fall or winter), but I'm looking seriously at Gordon-Conwell's MDiv program in Urban Ministry. I'm praying about this and am asking for the prayers of the rest of you as well. As far as I see things, I won't be quitting work since the classes are at night or on special weekend sessions. But...if God wants me to quit, that's what I'm going to do. More than anything, I want His wisdom in this situation. I'm rejoicing that God is opening this door, but I don't want to be blinded in any way by the enemy.

poured out

i am so tired. the fatigue is emotional and physical. i'm being poured out like a drink offering and it's painful. my fabulous to do list for the week has nary a slash mark to be found. and i'm leaning hard into Him. He is the only way i can press on through the interruptions, allergies, and unmet goals. i need to remember how He was poured out for me and be a willing vessel. this is His mission for me this week--that's very clear. but right now...it's really hard.

soul longing

occasionally i look back and remember my teen years and the angst they included. how important everything seemed. the little dramas that rocked my world. how devastating situations looked at the time. truly, some of those moments were soul-crunching, spirit-dampening, character-forming. but they were all so felt. in maturing, did we lose our ability to be honest about our emotions? are we all a little bit numb?

looking back, i see i was the most numb when i was farthest away from Christ. i was so drawn up and worn down by my own drama that i wasn't touched at all by the pain of those around me. i didn't care too much about anything other than me. and even at that, i threw myself into more drama just so i could feel something through the callous.

then something happened. the layers were painfully torn away. the scales fell off. my old, scarred heart was replaced with a new one. the Holy Spirit rushed in. Christ's recapturing of my heart was dramatic and humbling. and i could feel it all--the painful change and the overwhelming joy. i was given a gift to see people and empathize deeply. that's something i never knew before my life became His life. sometimes that gift is distracting and embarrassing. sometimes i cry on behalf of strangers, but sometimes i labor in tears with a friend. after living for years selling my emotions short, i daily praise my Father for giving me a means to minister sometimes without words. what a precious gift. what a beautiful Savior.

swan lake gone wrong

due to kim working at broadway in boston, i was able to see matthew bourne's swan lake for free last night. we had more than decent seats in the small theater (which i commented later was smaller than the auditorium in my high school) and i was prepared to see my first broadway performance since a trip to nyc during undergrad. i haven't seen the original swan lake production--the classic ballet version. i didn't know the story at all, but i'm sure what i saw last night was not it. i believe the original is popular for children (like the nutcracker) but i would not bring children to this 'revival!' i can see the director was trying to update the story for modern audiences, but i didn't know it was contemporary until one of the characters had their cell phone ring. the costuming never portrayed a modern setting--it was a bizarre mix of 50s, 60s, and 70s clothing that pranced around on stage. odd.

well, that's not really the heart of my review. the dancing was really quite good. the swan troupe could have done better to be synchronized when needed, but the principal dancer was amazing. i was completely in awe that a male body, not intended for so much grace, could move and bend with such lightness. unfortunately, about 120 minutes of the 140 minute running time was dripping with all sorts of sexuality: hetero-, homo-, bi-, trans-. it was all there, glorified. as if the entire story revolved around sex.

the way i saw it (there were no speaking parts like a traditional ballet), the prince (who i assume to be in his 20s) desired to be loved by his queen mother and was not. he had a nightmare about swans one night and his mother refused to comfort him (a weird scene of oedipal-type wrestling around with the prince trying to hug his mother). the prince dates a socially inappropriate girl he likes but the queen doesn't. the girl gets paid off to leave the prince alone by the queen's secretary. the prince gets drunk and experiences a swan fantasy in a park--afraid of the swans and eventually loves them. (this scene lasted WAY too long and was more than a little homoerotic. there were several points where i was literally biting my lip to keep from laughing.) intermission. (i almost left, but my curiosity won out. it starts again.) everyone important in the kingdom goes to a ball at the palace. lots of very sexual dancing. a 'stranger' shows up (who is the same guy as the principal swan) and tries to lure everyone's woman away. he comes on to the queen and is successful. the prince freaks out and pulls a gun. the girl the prince dated before tries to stop him. the queen's secretary also pulls a gun. the girl gets shot and dies. the prince somehow ends up in a mental hospital. (i question if the entire show is the fantasy of a mental patient). he is given some drugs and ends up in his (the prince's) bedroom again. the swans come out from under the bed. the prince dances with them. the principal swan comes out through a hole in the bed (very cool and also kinda gross at the same time). he has cuts on him--weird. the other swans try to attack him and they are fought off eventually. a weird love dance with the swan and prince. (i am worrying that this is going to end up IN the bed.) the other swans come back and attack the swan again, eventually making him disappear (we were getting pretty close to some Christ-imagery here that was bothersome). the prince looks for him and passes out on the bed. resolve to morning. the queen comes in to greet the prince and finds him dead on the bed. then you can see above the bed, backlit behind a scrim, the swan holding the limp body of the prince. end of show.

ok. just bizarre, full of agenda, and bleak. i saw some good dancing, but i didn't learn anything new. the show said to me: 'if the primary people who are supposed to love you don't do so in a way you need, go out and find someone else (anyone else) who will. it's especially good if they sacrifice a lot to love you.' but then there was nothing. lots of big, dramatic 'loving' and dying, but that's all. so very self-focused. the one character that cared about others even a little bit (the rejected girlfriend) was murdered and never mentioned again. hmmm... yet another illustration of the realization of the world i live in. i'll chalk the experience up to keeping my eyes open and out of my own little world.

the weather...and other thursday randomness...

it was another gorgeous spring day today. it was a shame to be inside working all day, but everyone's spirits were high. it's going to be colder tomorrow, but we have to take the mundane with the amazing!

so, tomorrow night i'm going to see this broadway version of swan lake in boston. it's supposed to be a pretty good show. and even better--i'm seeing it for free! i have a friend who works at broadway in boston and gets tickets to random shows. this is the first time i've been able to get to see one. another good part is being able to eat at silvertone (my new favorite boston eatery) before curtain time. i'm ready for a good evening!

reading vs. work

do you ever wish you could read faster so you could read more books? i'm in this phase right now where i have a huge queue of books to get through. they are all so compelling that it's hard for me to have the patience to finish one at a time. can i just quit working for a little while so i can catch up on my reading?

the fight to see the transcendent

sometimes keeping your eyes on Christ is hard. sometimes life gets bizarre and you see everything but Christ all around you. it's hard to focus then. it kills me that i can have a couple hours that totally disorient and distract me from Christ, but when i get my bearings i can see the enemy's hand all over it. and that reminds me that i bear the mark of Christ--i am His and because of that i'm dangerous. the fog clears and my feet are on solid ground again.
__________________
i finished up donald miller's book "through painted deserts" tonight. the entire book is about simplicity and how that can help you see God more clearly--especially through nature. it's been a great respite in my generally crazy life. this is a passage that spoke to me:

"I start realizing that this is the first time I've encountered beauty in nature. I've read poems that have made my heart race. I've read scenes in novels that have caused me to close the book, set my head in my hands, and wonder how a human could so brilliantly orchestrate words. But nature has never inspired me until now. God is an artist, I think to myself. I have known this for a long time, seeing His brushwork in the rivers. But the night sky is His greatest work. And I would have never known this if I had stayed in Houston. I would have bought a little condo and filled it with Ikea trinkets and dated some girl just because she was hot and would have read self-help books, end to end, one after another, trying to fix the gaping holes in the bottom of my soul, the hole that, right now, seems plugged with Orion, allowing my soul to collect that feeling of belonging and love you only get when you stop long enough to engage the obvious."

here is love

i think easter in the northeast (or any cold place) is that much weightier. it comes at a time where it can still be cold or a time when life is bursting anew from the earth. the resident of colder climes welcomes (even yearns for) any sign that the weather is turning for the warmer. we eagerly watch for the crocuses and robins. much attention is paid to every budding tree. it's almost as if every citizen wants to scream out "You are my joy!" but most of them don't know whom to praise for the annual rebirth. so easter comes. some notice and others do not.

i did my usual sunny sunday walk this morning to grab some coffee and a bagel. the time gives me space to think, pray, and observe my neighborhood. the sun was bright, the trees budding with crayola 'spring green', growing flower stems reaching for the sky, and the breeze blowing cold to remind us all it's not quite summer. more people than usual were dressed in their best. neighbors next door honored an elderly neighbor with an easter lily. the resurrection is present in each of those moments. my prayer for today is to be thankful and grateful for rebirth, but remember the stinging breeze points to the cost of that rebirth.
_________________________
Here is love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heav'n's eternal days

On the mount of crucifixion
Fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God's mercy
Flowed a vast a gracious tide
Grace and love, like mighty rivers
Poured incessant from above
And Heav'n's peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love

Chorus:
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, o Lord

breathe it in

the trees are budding. the birds are singing. the plastic is off the windows!! spring must be here!

enjoy this gorgeous holiday weekend everyone. :)

enthusiasm

i was thinking about that quote i have written on my bedroom mirror, "catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn." more than anything i want that enthusiasm to be for Christ. it can come out in other ways, but i want it all to point to Christ. the way i do my work, how i interact with my peers, how i respect my superiors, how i treat my employees, how i love my students. my life isn't all about my job, but i spend most of my time there--most of my pivotal influence occurs there. i can see God moving people's hearts there. one of the senior teachers i supervise came to my office today to say that she's the happiest she's been since we moved to the new building in september. she said she was so happy to be working on my team--that we were the best to work for. praise God! that's so all Him! work isn't perfect and it won't be. it's still a daily effort but i see a lot more laughing going on. people are banding together. thank you God! that's an answer to prayer. so i'm going to keep prayer-walking those halls, begging God for revival. i know that every week won't show results of those prayers like the last 2 have, but by His grace i will be faithful despite the results. He's called me to labor in prayer for my workplace and as a servant, i need to do just that.

i miss jeremy kennedy!

in the course of the last few weeks, i've been thinking about how much i miss those kennedy boys...and then relevant magazine (where jeremy works) posted pics from their yearly staff version of field days. Check him out doing the surfer sign in the 7th pic down.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/2006relevantgames.php

what a week!

i've spent this entire week in awe of God and humbled at how He's used me. at almost every corner i turned, God had His hands all over me. i knew i came away from thirsty with a renewed sense of purpose, but i had no idea He would work like He has this week. i am so overwhelmed by Him that i can't even begin to express it. the song "everything glorious" by david crowder band has been playing in my car and in my head this whole week as a soundtrack for His work...that's as close to an expression of how i feel as i can get.

the day is brighter here with You
the night is lighter then it's You
would lead me to believe
which leads me to believe

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
what does that make me?

my eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
which leads me to believe
there's life enough to see that

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
and I am Yours

from glory to glory
You are glorious
You are glorious
from Glory to Glory
You are glorious
which leads me to believe
why i can't believe

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
and i am Yours

from Glory to Glory
You are glorious....

praise You like i should

remember that song? it's not ironic to me that lyric resides in a secular song. no matter who we are, we were created to praise. the difference only is the One we choose to praise. and i want to praise God today. He just plain rocks!

i've just come from a spiritual high place and had to dive right into the mundane today. i have to say i was more than a little concerned about how the day would play out. and it was more than challenging with a time-sucker training and an extremely long and contentious meeting right after. it was bad. but i got to minister to my staff. i had encouragement and exhortation to give that was not possible in my flesh. i left work at work when i walked out the door. praise Him! the other cool thing is i didn't leave the people at work--i feel a new-found impression from the Spirit to surround them in prayer individually and by prayer walking the building at least once a week. that's what has to happen to make that place resonate for His glory. and God's got me working there for just that purpose. He showed me 2 other christians at the crowder concert in october for a reason. what a beautiful mantle! what a beautiful Savior who desires all to be drawn to Himself! Lord, i want Your humility more than anything...i want to walk without fear about Your call on my life...i want to hear your Name praised rather than cursed. i want You to start a revolution in my office and i know You can.

guess who's back...

travelling back to boston from atlanta was interesting. jess had some trouble with her flight (it ended up leaving 1.5 hrs late), but other than that the travel went well. i sat with a cool woman on the plane who used to work for the may institute and enjoyed overhearing 2 teen boys behind me discuss relationships. i actually slept for 20 min during the flight (a rare occurrence for me) and had a creative brainstorm about the church public. a good trip back in all.

so things are smooth right now, but the real test will be me allowing God to continue to bring buoyancy to my life and perspective. i understand what john piper means when he talks about fighting for joy. this conference helped me to get through some of the things preventing that joy, but maintaining it requires trust and faith. my prayer is to have that. and to have the confidence to be who God made me to be.

let stress at work not steal my joy and ability to serve others as Christ did!!

Blessed Be Your Name

matt redman sang Blessed Be Your Name at thirsty yesterday. i love that song. it has ushered me through more than one spiritual revelation and i just saw another level in it. how can a song that i've labored with for more than 4 years suddenly become new? it's very cool. so, the part in the song that says, "He gives and takes away, gives and takes away, blessed be your name" always meant to me that i need to praise God no matter the circumstances. and the giving meant blessing and the taking away meant losing something precious. the first sentence is true, but the second one has a new layer now. the giving can be the placing of something laborious into my life and the taking away can be removing something painful or scar tissue that needs to be healed. that's an entirely new perspective and one that's quite relevant for me right now. blessed be Your Name.