Friday, June 19, 2009


Sitting nearly a month on the other side of my last posting is interesting. It was really good to read it again just now because my circumstances have changed dramatically. Only a few days after that post, I was informed that as of June 30 the contracts for clients in one school district weren't being renewed. This makes up about 75% of my income. I went through all the stages of grieving, feeling incredibly confused about the whole situation, but seeing God's hand over all of it. The previous malaise and feeling out of sorts was preparation in a sense for the current series of events. This is my opening to step out into something new and slightly scary.

I have my good and bad days where this situation is concerned. I vacillate between boldness to do the impossible and fear that drives me to constantly seek a way to pay for my life. Today is a good day--I feel ready to drive a stake in the ground and declare my intention to walk forward into what I feel is God's desire for my life at this point. I'm maintaining my positions as chaplain at Northeastern and leader at Shawmut Springs Church, and will begin a full-time course of study at Gordon-Conwell seminary in the fall. I will probably be working part-time with my current job (I still have 5 hours a week with 1 client) and am seeking additional part-time work. I have no idea how I'm going to afford to do this, but I am overwhelmed by God's leading to read Matthew 6 and Luke 1:37 this morning. Both passages are about God's abundant provision and His ability to work the 'impossible.' I assent to loving a God like that, but 99% of the time I behave as if that God doesn't exist. This is a time where I'm being called to take steps on the waves, needing to trust fully that fixing my eyes on Him will keep me from sinking.

I've seen God do absolutely incredible things but still foolishly doubt Him with my curse/blessing of a scientific mind and independent spirit. I don't want to be chained to a small idea of Him or myself--I need to release of my vision of our identities. I want to truly trust and lean into a God that I know will fully care for, love, provide, and nurture me. I want to believe that I will not always be this doubting child who refuses help and only trusts what she can see with her own eyes.

These are prayers that God answers and I KNOW He will respond tenfold today.