Monday, May 25, 2009

Just not right...

I am officially burnt out.

I don't feel good at anything right now. I spent most of today researching new ideas for a behavior plan and I came up with nothing. I feel like I'm dropping the ball with ministry stuff too. I'm just off in a way I can't describe or understand.

I do have moments here and there that I catch a glimpse of myself in my element--in conversation with Ben about college ministry and in conversation with my neighbor Julie about the grant project I worked with in Florida. But those moments are few and far between now.

The kicker of it all is that I don't know what's wrong and I can't seem to fix it. I have no brilliant solutions for myself or anyone else. I have little confidence in my ideas or thought processes. It's like someone poked a hole in me and I'm slowly losing air.

Most of the time I'm just numb to it, functioning OK and doing what I need to do every day, but there are days where it just hits me. Today was one of those days. A conversation at a meeting and working on this behavior plan kept me inside and hiding all day.

It's so hard to not know what I need, because if I knew I could ask for it. I'm treading water, drifting farther and farther away from shore. I know it's dangerous but I'm paralyzed from swimming somehow.

I keep crying out to God for some realization or direction and I'm not hearing a response. I know I need Him more than anything else, but there's a blockage I don't understand. When I think about people from the Bible like Joseph and Job who went through long periods of difficulty and confusion I am encouraged, but I forget it all so fast. There is greater purpose in this and there's definitely a war that I can't see that's affecting me. I hate the enemy so much for distracting and discouraging me, but I know God has a greater plan for it all.

Maybe I need to claim His victory more often and rejoice that my life is in His hands. To proclaim His name and fame. To remember every second that I am NOT just a sum of my deeds but so much more than that. To stare in the face of opposition knowing that I don't fight battles alone--curse the enemy speaking that lie in my ear!

This is a pep talk for me and everyone else who is feeling overwhelmed. We can cling to the cross together--we can rejoice more loudly because we are unable to do anything in our own strength.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins." (2 Pet 1:3-9, NIV)

"Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.

So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books." (2 Pet 1:3-9, MSG)

I think I just found some verses to memorize....

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