Environment Makes a Difference

I'm sitting in a Panera Bread, sitting among the harried masses since this is the only free wi-fi in reasonable driving distance. I'm waiting out about 4 hours between a meeting and 2 client sessions since extra driving is out of the question considering gas is nearly $3/gallon. This old man nearby has been noshing on the free bread slices and keeps going back for cheap things like coffee. I think he's trying to justify his existence here, taking up a perfectly usable table for 4. As he pays his gas bill and reads the Globe, he surprises me by pullling out a Blackberry. I don't even have one of those...
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So I'm here, feeling bad that I'm taking up this space, but typing away nonetheless. I need to chill and sit here for a little while--I've still got over 2.5 hours to my home visit. Breathe. Relax. Let those shoulder muscles unwind. That's really hard to do in here with the frenetic pace, hyper Kenny G music, and business meetings occupying the neighboring tables. I think I had too much caffeine this morning.
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The sun is finally out. We were promised 80 degrees today and before I walked in here, it probably hadn't hit 65. It was rainy and dreary for longer than those sage weathermen promised. We'll see if that 80 thing happens.
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We had our last CCPC Monday event for the semester last night. We had a cookout with steak (yummy--thanks Pine Lake!) and potluck stuff at the Jones' to celebrate Karin's 7 years in ministry in Boston. She is ending her time as a campus minister at Northeastern to stay home with Baby Eric (he's due on June 10). It's a really exciting time for her, but bittersweet of course. I enjoyed hearing the stories of people who have known her far longer than I have.
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I've been getting mad at myself lately. I'm frustrated that the just God and me thing hasn't been "doing it" for me for a while. It now has to be: God, me, some dynamic speaker; God, me, good music; God, me, and a community of people in prayer. I know those aren't bad things, but I also know that my public worship shouldn't exceed my private worship. Maybe I need to carve out more space for Him. I'm so guilty of letting everything else crowd our time together, even in my thoughts. I truly have a divided mind that never stops running, figuring, and working. That can be an advantage, but not when God calls you to rest in Him. Gotta breathe.

Sometimes You Just Want to Pop

Coming back home tonight made me realize I was on overload in Atlanta. It was good overload, but the engine was revving high without shifting.

The engine got in gear as we circled over the Harbor Islands as the plane approached its landing at Logan. Seeing the city gets me every time.

Rosana picked me up at the airport and it was great to talk to her. I finally was able to process things that I didn't even realize God was working out. I have a real feeling of moving forward in what I'm supposed to be doing in Boston. So here, for posterity (and my own accountability) is a list of what God is calling me to do until He tells me otherwise:

1. Take over planning community action/social justice projects in Mission Hill for Shawmut Springs
2. Work with the CCPC team in facilitating those types of projects all over Boston--with multiple church and parachurch ministry involvement
3. Work hard at my 'real' job this summer to make money to pay off the debt that's accrued from the last few months of low income
4. Cut hours a my 'real' job in the fall to accomodate seminary, Passion Boston prep work, & Shawmut/students
5. Raise monthly support for any financial shortfall
6. Become the guru of demographics for Boston colleges
7. Study REALLY hard

Wow...it's been so long since I've made a list like that or been so definitive. This is forward progress.

Since I'm exhausted, tomorrow I'm going to attack the action list for how I'm going to accomplish the above tasks.

Shallow Waters Breed Mosquitos

I've been a sad excuse for a blogger these last several weeks. I learned/remembered that my writing must come from a place of depth. Honestly, it just hasn't been there...so I didn't write. God has this amazing way of jarring me out of my shallow pool. He wants me to write and propels me forward to do it. He simply requires me to remember who the prime mover of the operation is or it doesn't happen. A whole lot of writing happened today that wasn't about me in forms that are rusty and unmaintained. Some new and exciting things were birthed unexpectedly. I have no idea what's going to happen next, but I know this is God's deal and not mine. It was never mine. It will never be mine.

I'm going to bed tonight with more satisfaction than I've had in a long time, remembering that I have a creative God who is all about restoration and His glory.

Man, Rebekah, I'm so jealous that you're getting to party it up in heaven right now. One day. And I'm hoping to bring a lot of good friends with me.

We are Virginia Tech

We Are Virginia Tech, by Nikki Giovanni

We are Virginia Tech
We are sad today
And we will be sad for quite a while
We are NOT moving on
We are embracing our mourning

We are Virginia Tech
We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry, and sad enough to know
We must laugh again

We are Virginia Tech
We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing to deserve it
But neither does the child in Africa, dying of AIDS
Neither do the Invisible Children, walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army
Neither does the baby elephant, watching his community be devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water
Neither does the Appalachian infant, killed in the middle of the night in his crib, in the home his father built with his own hands, being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized
No one deserves a tragedy

We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hand to those who offer their hearts and minds
We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid
We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be
We are alive to the imagination and the possibility we will continue to invent the future
Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness
We are the Hokies
We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail
WE ARE VIRGINIA TECH

All I Need

Today was one of those long days that make me wonder why I voluntarily live my life as I do. I ran from place to place and hardly had a minute to feed myself. That wasn't the best way to go into the weekend. But I was able to rally despite having to ride the subway into Boston and dealing with crowds of people whose personal mission seemed to be to annoy me.

After Ang and I finally met up in Kenmore Square, we fought Red Sox Nation to get a bite to eat at McDonald's. This VERY late lunch helped to rescue my mood a bit. I'm glad we took the time to sit since we were about to stand up for the next 5 hours.

We followed the throngs in the general direction of Fenway, but we were not counting ourselves among those who were about to watch the Sox thrash the Angels 10-1. Instead, we got in line at Avalon (one of the big clubs on Lansdowne St next to Fenway), showed our IDs, got a lovely orange bracelet, and walked inside. I haven't been to Avalon since I last lived in Boston, during grad school. I recall that the last time I was there involved some post-party drinking with 2 guys my roommate and I met at said party. I was surprised I remembered so much about the interior of the place. Hilariously enough, the bathroom was perfectly familiar, but I could swear the place was much bigger than it appeared to me last night. Ahh, perceptions over time, and how they vary depending on the ingestion of substances...

Needless to say, I had mixed emotions about being back there. That place has directed connections to who I used to be. It was a long time ago, but not long enough that I've forgotten or that it couldn't happen again. But this time was about redeeming that place in my heart and solidifying who I am in Boston now.

Ang and I were there to see Mat Kearney, the headliner for the VH1 You Outta Know Tour (I know, cheesy). Mat is a Christian who doesn't sing songs that are overtly Christian. He's gotten pretty famous over the last year by virtue of several of his songs being featured on Grey's Anatomy. I got his CD in a Relevant Network kit last spring and immediately loved it--it's a mix of guitar pop, piano, and spoken word/rap. Good, creative stuff. He came to Boston last fall and I missed the show due to my own poor pre-planning. I jumped at the chance to see him this time.

The show was a triple bill headed off by Rocco deLuca and the Burden. They are more rock influenced than Mat Kearney, but I could dig the neo-steel guitar sound. I enjoyed their set, other than the guitar solo that hearkened to something memorialized in There's Something About Mary. Let's just say he was REALLY into that solo.

Next up was The Feeling, a band from the UK that I would best describe as Euro, emo-pants pop. I give them credit for the fantastic harmonizing, but the lead singer's posturing and dancing on stage was SOOO annoying. I gulped down my Sam Adams while those guys were on stage--I was hoping it would make it end. But the pain was only amplified by the addition of two female college students with voices that I can only describe as East Coast Valley Girl. Their conversations during the show were frequently hilarious due to their lack of content beyond:

1. Relative hotness of band members
2. Rating the current song ("awesome" and "so great" were used frequently)
3. Recent hookups and their fallout
4. Maligning the fact that Tom Petty was not playing there after one of his songs was played as walk-in music between sets. Um, you won't be getting Tom Petty tickets for $17, or seeing him in a small venue like that, but I digress...
5. "He looked at me! I know he was singing right to me!"

Unfortunately, the East Valley Girls stuck around even after The Feeling's set was over. Later on I felt guilty about being so annoyed by them since these are exactly the people I'm sent to show God's love. Chalk that up to learning experience #1 for the night.

Another random concert-goer that made Angela and I crack up numerous times was Drunk Zebra Lady. This poor woman apparently forgot that the 80's were best left there the first time around. That outfit would have looked disastrous on a 17 year old, let alone someone of her age. It's a shame I wasn't able to capture her dancing. Please enjoy her picture here:

With all that said, I was happy for Mat Kearney to step on stage. My feet and lower back were starting to show their age. Needless to say, his set was very well done, with a great mix of his guitar- and piano-based songs. He sang every song from his latest album, as well as two older songs, and a new one called "Black and White." As he explained, the latter song was written while he was in Istanbul.

I enjoyed the show, but wished he talked more about the songs and their origins. Before taking to the piano to play one of my favorites, "All I Need," he explained that it was written for some friends who lived through Katrina in New Orleans. I attempted to record the song, but my camera's memory card ran out of room. It was a beautiful rendition of the song, but it will just have to live in my memory rather than in my memory card.

Mat came out to sing the obligatory encore to the adoring Boston crowd. We were really into his music and he seemed to honestly appreciate it. He told us that this show was the largest they'd done on the tour so far. The final two songs were the most spiritual of the night. The first song of the encore included "hallelujah" in the lyrics and allusions to the crucifixion. I was worshiping in that moment, knowing that this place was as good as any to praise my King. The final song was one that is on Mat's album, but he added an extended freestyle rap. From the moment he started the flow, I could feel my chest tighten and my eyes tear. As he began to describe a T ride down Comm Ave on the green line, talking about all the colleges, and the students, I heard God speak through that. Mat kept repeating words about love, grace, and redemption, recalling Boston's spiritual and cultural history. He was speaking about those students to whom I'm called to be a minister. After the song was over, I just stood there attempting to take a moment to process this in the middle of the cheering crowd. It seems like God always shows up to encourage me at the instant I least expect Him.

This New House

I went to see a new apartment this morning. The location is ideal. There's laundry in the unit. There's off-street parking. It's a 5 bedroom...that was not in the original plan. I thought it was just going to be Angela and I--a way to ease myself back into roommate life.

Today I got to spend more time with the prospective roommates and got a full tour of the place. It's huge. Large open spaces for entertaining. There's tons of storage space (big closets are a rarity here). The bedrooms somehow feel really private. And the rent is priced right.

Despite my best-laid plans, this may be my new home as of June 1. If the roommates stay as they are I will be the 'middle child' where age is concerned--2 older and 2 younger than me. It could be a powerful learning experience to live in that age spectrum.

I'm praying about this move and need discernment, but this feels like a wide open door.

On Holy Week

"We celebrated Good Friday that night, a week late. It's a sad day, of loss and cruelty, and all you have to go on is faith that the light shines in the darkness, and nothing, not death, not disease, not even the government, can overcome it. I hate you can't prove the beliefs of my faith. If I were God, I'd have the answers at the end of the workbook, so you could check as you go along, to see if you're on the right track. But nooooooo. Darkness is context, and Easter's context: without it, you couldn't see the light. Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us" (Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, p. 274-5)

"Easter says that love is more powerful than the dark, bigger than cancer, bigger than airport security" (p. 268).

Oh yeah...

I got into seminary as of the letter I received on Saturday.

God really needs to be on top of this whole money thing or I'm going to be in loans up to my eyeballs...

Soul's Renaissance

It's been 2 weeks since I last posted. A lot has gone on that I don't care to discuss here, but suffice it to say, it's been the searing fire again. This time it came from an unexpected source, so the pain was multiplied. I had a week of being completely out of sorts, barely able to function at a minimum level. I literally felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I slept a lot.

This past Tuesday I felt something shift. I'm not sure what it was, but the weight was gone. The sun was out and I spent time outside with some lovely kids I was babysitting. We dug in the black earth, read about a million books, and soaked up the weak spring sun. It was heaven and just the balm my soul needed. I needed to experience the reality of springtime to finally let my heart listen to what my head's been saying.

The last two days have been close to perfection. I wore myself completely out doing cleanup at a Boston community center with some great friends from church alongside Northeastern students. We had so much fun and it didn't hurt that it was perfect weather to haul rocks and dirt, prune bushes, and bag leaves. After that, Joey came over and we concocted a delicious pizza creation for dinner. We were so tired that we didn't have the energy to watch the movie we planned on.

Today was a lazy day, topped off by a dinner of childhood favorites and decorating eggs. The food was great and dinner conversation centered on hilarious childhood experiences. It was so great. Then we all got creative with the egg dying...it was a blast from the past dipping those eggs. I can't remember the last time I did that.

Hope Among the Ashes

I am so thankful for community right now. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be unabashedly broken among them so they can minister to me. This is why we don't walk with Him alone.

Debbie Downer

This week with the mission team was quite wonderful but it's been tempered by personality conflict. How can you love a best friend so much yet sometimes feel like we're speaking two different languages? I know her weaknesses and propensities. But we clashed this week over scheduling and plans. There was a plan all ready made and very few reasons to change it, but changes happened despite my input. Then when I put my foot down about a few things (due to my local knowledge) that would potentially be really difficult to pull off, I felt the full force of anger. Last night she blew up at me for undermining her authority and I attempted to explain how I felt--no accusation, just feelings. And I got the wall that was there last year. Sometimes I feel like there's these unspoken expectations she has for me that I don't know about. When I don't meet them I get punished. I was trying to be so helpful this morning, but all I got was that same wall and no goodbye. I don't deal well with that at all.

Schizophrenia, Chaos, and the Sovereign Will of God

This post will become longer eventually, but I'm fighting exhaustion, a cold, a headache, and snow-soaked pants. Suffice it to say this week has rocked. It was 70 degrees 2 days ago and now there's 8 inches of snow on the ground with freezing rain beating down. Crazy people keep talking to these students and random strangers overhear our fervent God-talk and crane their necks to soak up more. Some even talk to us. God is bigger than any attack of the enemy. This week has shown me thus.

Everything Old is New Again, Again

am a ridiculous control freak. I thought I'd had that beaten out of me for the last time, but it became abundantly clear today that that's not the case. Having my beloved 625 square feet be the home base for 10 and sleeping quarters for 3 has been stressful. Being told that I could opt out of things with the team and then getting chastised for having to stick to the schedule as it was written (in order to go to work) was rough. It doesn't help that I haven't had adequate sleep or downtime. How is it that I used to spend next to zero time at home and wasn't bothered by it? The constantly changing schedule (around which that I've been attempting to plan my REAL life) is grating on me.

I'm glad I decided to park here tonight after getting home from work. The 50 minute drive that turned into a 100 minute traffic disaster on the way to work was what did me in. Right now I'm trying to ignore the explosion of blankets, clothes, and other stuff that is taking over my living room while having a glass of red wine and catching a new episode of my latest favorite tv design show. My lower back is slowly uncoiling. That's a really good thing but it doesn't solve any of the underlying problems.

Time Management 101

This week is going to be a bear for me. I'm scheduled to the hilt for the first time since I left working for the May. I'm really afraid I'm going to crash and burn, so we'll see. Between corralling the mission team, working, being stressed out about my newest client's pain-in-the-assness, sleeping, and not being able to pay the bills, I may just freak out. Can I please be a good steward and delegator of my time for once??

Something Much Bigger Than Me

There's a friend I've been ministering to here, knowing that God is intersecting our lives intentionally. We've become much closer lately and I've spent a lot of time listening. She is utterly broken right now--unemployed, having health problems, and desperate to have a husband and family.

She came home late last night from another disappointing attempt to connect with a group of women her age. She began talking just about the problems of that evening, but it turned into much more--a revealing of her deepest fears and truth of her current place in life. Sitting on those hard chairs in my dining room as she sobbed out her life's disappointments, I was close to being a deer in headlights. I'm not a stranger to hearing others' pain, but I've been able to speak Christ's hope freely over them because they knew Him. She doesn't know Him and I knew this wasn't a conversion moment.

I didn't speak very much until she started talking about working so hard to build a good life that includes a husband and a family. WORKING. It resounded in my head. I know that one...that was me, that IS me when I forget that God works on my behalf and for my best. Then she mentioned praying and how she can't set foot in a church without losing it emotionally. I poked around a bit about root causes. Somehow I said something about letting down pride and that maybe her reaction is to a palpable sense of God's love for her while she's in a church building. I cringed for the rebuttal, but received nothing. I knew He was speaking now. I was praying all while she spoke for God to show Himself. I told her that she didn't need to work to gain God. I think her jaw almost fell to the floor. I didn't have another statement or a qualifier--I was still perched in my uncomfortable chair at 2am, clinging to Christ for what to say or do.

A few minutes after that, the intensity was over and we were on safer, more mundane ground again. She gave me a fierce hug before going upstairs and asked me to say that part again about God. At the moment, I didn't remember what I had said, but she prompted me through it. I was still racing with the Father on every response.

It was difficult to be in front of someone so broken who doesn't know Christ. All those platitudes ingrained in me fell woefully short. I feel her pain but fear that I'm not empathetic enough to her situation. I cannot make things better for her. I cannot save her. I must remain desperate enough in this friendship to hang on to the Spirit for discernment and guidance for my every word.

Father, guard this house so that nothing but your love and truth reign here.

Why We Fight

I've never been accused of being a bleeding-heart liberal or a conspiracy theory sympathizer. I proudly call alma mater one of the most politically conservative and patriotic colleges in the nation. My last locale was neighor to major Navy and Air Force bases. I have a lot of friends in the military and those who are military contractors. But as I get older and go deeper into the personhood of Christ, I become increasingly disillusioned about establishment anything. Military, government, industry, and their associated machinery can do positive things, but over and over again I am more saddened by the injustices of it all.

Tonight I watched a documentary called Why We Fight. It centers around Dwight D. Eisenhower's farewell address at the end of his presidency. He used that speech to warn the nation about the dangers of something called the military-industrial complex. This struck me because Eisenhower was a GENERAL. At any rate, the film took a more balanced and professional tack than Fahrenheit 9/11, but the final message was similar. It was very well done.

I struggle with this information frequently. Commercialism disgusts me more and more. War for any reason becomes increasingly disgusting. Isn't His Kingdom about peace? Shouldn't we support leaders who actually live out Christ's Kingdom rather than just pay Him lipservice?What does all this mean for me as a follower of Christ? How can I be a part of the solution?

Wake Up Dead Man

For a friend...

Wake Up Dead Man by U2

Jesus, Jesus help me I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your Father, He made the world in seven
He's in charge of Heaven
Will you put in a word for me

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Listen to your words they'll tell you what to do
Listen over the rhythm that's confusing you
Listen to the reed in the saxophone
Listen over the hum in the radio
Listen over sounds of blades in rotation
Listen through the traffic and circulation
Listen as hope and peace try to rhyme
Listen over marching bands playing out their time

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, were you just around the corner?
Did you think to try and warn her?
Or are you working on something new?
If there's an order in all of this disorder
Is it like a tape recorder?
Can we rewind it just once more?

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Finding the New Me

I had an unexpected chance to hang out with college students from all over the city tonight. My plan was to do it next week, but God had something else in mind. I connected with them through my Passion07 divine appointment, and it was all Him. The part I enjoyed the most was chatting over coffee, tea, water, and pastries at ABP after the meeting was over. These students are fantastically interested and want so much to stretch their knowledge of God. The humbling moment was when they paid attention to absolutely everything I said. God, that better have been You talking, and not just me spouting some half-baked theology or life experience.

I think I'm taking my first baby steps into the fullness of this calling. Whoa nelly...

Parenting by Proxy

I had my first 'bad' babysitting experience today. I was watching a 1 year old girl and a 5 year old boy in Brookline. The little girl was an absolute joy...she saved me from utter insanity. The boy, on the other hand, was a total brat. I don't often say that, but it's true. He's a result of what I see so often here--parenting by proxy. Kids in two-parent homes who rarely see their parents. Kids whose nannies raise them. This particular family has a Harvard law grad attorney for a mom and a doctor for a dad. They came home 30 minutes before the kids' bedtime, and judging from the daily journal that's a regular occurrence. If I'm ever blessed with children, I pray that they see me and their father more than any babysitter.

Melting

It's been over 40 degrees the past 2 days and I'm enjoying it. Beth and I ventured out for our first walk since the great snow-then rain-then freeze on Valentine's Day. Today was the first day that the sidewalks have been passable in our neighborhood. We walked to CVS, wandered around in there for a while, and then to Coffee Break Cafe for lovely drinks and a introspective chat.

The day looks really good so far--I did Pilates this morning for the first time in months and then had the lovely afternoon with Beth. I'm off to install the new memory in my laptop, then head into the city with Rosana to enjoy music, pizza, and bowling with Shawmut Springs. I'm so glad I'm skipping AI tonight.