eharmony

as many of you know, i've delved into the world of internet dating via eharmony. i've been a member since january '06 and had one date. it was a bomb. when my 6 month membership lapsed i decided not to renew. then i was convinced to extend 3 more months by a good deal they offered. so i continued. as of a few weeks ago i lost any enthusiasm for internet dating. i gave up on eharmony. but then i got a fantastic match a few days ago. this guy had all the credentials and wrote a witty profile. i was waiting to get a communication back and i decided to check my profile tonight. he closed the match, citing the reason "other." i am SO done with this. is being in a relationship worth this work and aggravation?

october

i can't believe it's october already. i've been wearing a coat most of the weekend. fall is here. i've been living in this apartment for over a year now. wow. time flies. a friend turned 30 yesterday. i turn 30 in less than 3 months. crap. where has my life gone? have i done as much as i should have by now? have i loved people as much as i should have? have i loved God as much as He wants me to? are these really the questions that have been furtively haunting my brain for the past few months? i still can't shake them off.

Micah 6:8 (The Message)
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.

the science of sleep

i saw "the science of sleep" today. being one of those lucky people that lives in a 'top 15 market,' i relished my weird day off limited release matinee with 10 other just as lucky people. this showing was my first foray into the arty, harvard square cinema 5. (other films playing in this theater included "confetti," "the illusionist," "the black dahlia," and "hollywoodland." the good bit is that their matinee is $7.25...ok, that's not that good, but it's on the cheaper end of things in boston.) the film was in a large theater that swallowed up our lucky souls. i loved the fact that the theater is old, complete with MCMXXV emblazoned below the clocks mirroring each side of the screen. very cool, but on to the film...

if i tried to explain the plot, i wouldn't do it justice. one has to view 'the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" to understand director michel gondry's style and vision. it is not a linear plot, but that's ok. my life has been anything but linear lately, and i felt at home in the film. the jokes are generally clever plays on words in 3 languages (the film is primarily in english, with a large portion of french, and a bit of spanish thrown in. pay attention to the subtitles--you will laugh heartily if you've ever been a part of the comedy involved in a multiligual conversation). if you want to see this film, be willing to go for a ride. there isn't an overarching message or political statement, but rather creativity on display. if i had to glean a meaning from the film, it is that we often don't need the things we seemingly want, and to the greatest value is found in relationships with people who understand us. gondry didn't force those messages at all, and viewers have the freedom to draw their own conclusions.

it was a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, especially since i was able to sit in the waning sunlight, just feet away from the harvard square chess master. tuesdays off aren't that weird after all.

Despite my best efforts, I am experiencing my life as bland right now. Nothing stays too exciting for long, in spite of being a part of some cool things lately. I'm learning the life of a believer who is not affected by emotionalism. I've never been here before. I don't know what to make of it and I'm not sure if I should fight it. Why is it so hard to feel?

Random Day

I was off yesterday and ended up doing random things that one can only do when living near Boston. I met up with a friend and enjoyed browsing a great open-air farmer's market in Copley Square, then we lingered over delicious tea and yummie snacks at Tealuxe on Newbury St. It was an amazingly sunny and perfect autumn day, so I walked through the Public Garden, people-watching and remembering how beautiful fall in New England can be.

After that, I caught up with Angela (who tried to scare the ever-living crap out of me on Tremont Ave--it didn't work) and we took the T up to Davis Square. After meeting up with 2 other people, we wandered to nearly every restaurant in the Square (there are lots), trying to decide on something to eat. I think we chose one of the worst...I had the most heinous fettucine alfredo there. But at least it was pretty cheap!

After dinner, we walked the Square again and came across a hilarious hot dog eating contest at Spike's. This guy needed to eat 9 dogs to get on the 'wall of fame.' When we came upon the scene, he had consumed 8 and had 10 minutes left to complete the task. I was engrossed, staring through the window at the man, his stack of hot dogs, and the huge group of friends he brought to cheer him on. Our little band of girls was outside, chatting with some of his buddies, and cheering randomly when we were called upon. The guy made the worst facial expressions, reminding me of contestants on Fear Factor who ate disgusting items for relatively little money. He was ready to puke at any moment. And I was glued. The entire situation was better than any reality TV show since we were active participants in it. He was half-way through his 9th dog when time ran out. Dang. No puking, no wall of fame. I'm glad I wasn't there the whole 90 minutes...

Then we proceded to have an OK time chatting with a person I don't enjoy very much. Ang and I left around 10 to grab the T back to my place...where she fell asleep watching Annapolis. I, of course, was awake the whole time. My night owl tendencies are in high gear. :)

bipolar disorder? or is it a spiritual thing?

i ran smack into the downside of my new job--i can no longer mask a poor spiritual walk with excessive busyness. i'm not busy anymore. *boom* the bomb of my crappy walk with God dropped about thursday afternoon. all those ugly 'little' sins that i'm so prone to just oozed out of my pores. i had (and have had for at least a couple months) no taste for prayer. i slept ALL the time. i was completely sick of myself by saturday and by sunday night i needed to do something. i was rotting inside but too numb to be affected by anything. that feeling was so familiar and i didn't want it to stay.

so i called jess. truly, she means more to me than my family. she's been right there being used by God through the majority of my spiritual growth in the last several years. i needed to fess up and get beaten up. we talked for a while about a lot of things but got down to the core issues pretty quickly. i am sorely lacking in community. i am ashamed of my loss of passion for Christ. i just want to hear Him again.

writing that out makes me think there somehow are easy solutions: get community, get passionate, & pray. but those aren't so easy to come by.

this morning i listened to tim hughes music. nothing. later i was driving to meet with my boss and i listened to the first sermon from the alabanza summer retreat. nothing. after the meeting i listened to part of the second sermon. a little something. i walked into my first ccpc meeting. a little something more. i was asked point-blank in front of everyone how i was doing. deluge. flood. waterfall.

i lost it in front of the people who are really my community now. i hadn't forgotten about them, but i needed to be reminded of them. they listened through my blubbering, incoherent thoughts. i was naked. i was loved. and i can hear again.

so my life is going to stay on the quieter side of things. i'm going to 'fast' from things that tend to get in the way of my walk: too much entertainment of the secular variety, alcohol, excessive sleep. i'm reading the Word a lot more than just a chapter when i wake up. prayer is brief but frequent. these things are not going to be my salvation from this pit--God is.

tonight i've done some things for work, talked to a friend on the phone, ate some fantastic pf chang's leftovers with chopsticks and listened to A Collision a few times through. simplicity is good.

My New Life

I never imagined that opting out of the 8-4 existence would mean this much freedom. I feel like I'm awash with time, overwhelmed with many possibilities. I'm not not working, but it somewhat feels like that. I've already been able to go to an unplanned Flaming Lips show last night (for FREE!), which I might have turned down had I been working today. And today is for laundry, errands, and time with a friend. It's like living a chocolate existence. Why didn't I figure this out before? I know that this fairy tale will most likely have its downside at some point, but from where I sit right now, it's beautiful. I can't wait to enjoy all the things one can do when a job isn't the primary focus. Praise God.

David Crowder's Tidbit (or 850 Words) of the Day

A Costly Faith: Lessons from a Pawnshop Van
by David Crowder

I grew up in east Texas—Texarkana, Texas, to be precise. The town's name nods to its fantastic geographic mergers, as half the town sits in the great state of my birth, while the other half hangs over into Arkansas. I guess the idea of a dualistic geographic state seems fantastic enough to warrant this pictorial monument, as I have in fact personally observed a number of pictures taken in front of the sign. And I'd add that those participating seemed genuinely excited. But I've stood there myself, and I couldn't feel a thing.

If I were to sum up my experience growing up there for those who are unfamiliar to its culture and its people, I would tell them about Gary Mills. Gary worked for my dad. Sort of. That is, when he wasn't in jail.
Gary owned a van he bought at a pawnshop. Only in the piney woods of eastern Texas and portions of rural West Virginia can vehicles be acquired from pawnshops, for like $2. It seems vans acquired from pawnshops can be surprisingly prone to failures of varying types. One day Gary's accelerator cable broke. Gary, being almost genius, rigged up a cheap solution. The large intrusion of plastic in a van, bulging out into the forward-inhabited space between the driver's right knee and the passenger's left knee, is often crowned with faux-wooden beverage holders and covers what mechanics like to call "the engine." Being almost genius, Gary drilled a hole through the plastic cover. He then ran a rope through the newly drilled hole and attached the rope to the engine's accelerator arm. Thus, the rope then became the accelerator pedal! Now to move the vehicle in a forward direction, Gary needed only to reach over to his right and pull on the rope hanging from the freshly drilled hole in the plastic engine cover. Astounding! Almost genius! But his mastermind genius did not end there! No! He then took a saw and cut a slit down from the freshly drilled hole, effectively forming the shape of an antique keyhole. He then tied knots in the rope at different speed increments. Cruise control! Almost genius I say!

This strikes me as too closely metaphorical of my faith—being born in the American South, Christianity costs me nothing. It often feels to me cheap and rigged. Like things keep breaking along the way, and now I'm pulling on this ridiculously intricate array of ropes spreading to so many levers and pulleys, and my hand is getting rope burn from all this tugging, and the knots are starting to fray, and I think duct tape is involved. Not to say I haven't occasionally made attempts toward a costly faith. Once, I gave up R-rated movies (being more concerned with a movie's rating than the real-life societal issues the film may have been a reflection of). Or perhaps we relinquish the use of certain words, or cease the consumption of certain beverages or the inhalation of certain burned materials. And we applaud ourselves while bemoaning the costliness of the Gospel. And the irony is that all these efforts often serve to only cheapen our faith. They become but more ropes through more holes, and I have but only so many hands.

Lately I've been thinking about the soul. And death. Our mortal state, situated here as humans. It seems like we don't do that much anymore—think about death and the nature of the soul and the body. And maybe this is understandable, seeing as it used to be our primary point of conversation when discussing our faith with others—the turn-or-burn evangelism of our not-too-distant past. The logic was that if the present were just transitory, if we're just passing through, then it followed that there was no need to feel any affinity toward this place or spend much time trying to tidy up, which is almost brilliant. But we've now moved on, I think. The present has taken center stage. But my fear is that in hopes of becoming more palatable and less divisive, we forget the eternal unfolding in our words and deeds.

I think we live in a space divided. I think Jesus insisted that the kingdom of heaven was not just a space we would later inhabit, but also one that He was bringing here and now. We exist with one foot here in the earthly and one in the eternal. Yet we rarely feel it. We rarely live with a sense that someone should take a picture. That what is happening right now bears documentation. That we're in two places at once.

I want to live a faith that is a reflection of the cost of its eternal origin, not merely a reflection of my transient one. I want to feel the reality of where we sit. That the things we decide here are eternal ones. That our conversations mean something. I want to live in a manner that feels heroic, that turns the invisible into the visible, that is a solid intrusion of the eternal into the divided streets of humanity.

The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

I love the feedback log feature on Xanga. I am addicted. I don't know if it's curiosity or vanity that compels me to determine who is reading my rarely sage words, but I check the listing daily. Seriously...I told you I was an addict. The problem comes when I find something out in the log--either the fact that someone I'd rather not read the blog is reading it, or that people I really want to check it out aren't. It must be in some fashion like when Adam and Eve ate of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The drive to know is often overwhelming, but sometimes the knowing itself brings you more unanswered questions.

Back in the Land of Warm Weather and Afternoon Thunderstorms...

So I'm in the good ol FL for a few days, seeing my parents and assorted friends. I probably won't go to the beach at all unless someone drags me down there some night. It's pretty, but you just BAKE out there in the summer. I kind of love it at night, all mysterious and dark. It becomes dangerous to walk in up to your ankles. You never know what kind of creature will come up and get you (AKA croc hunter).

All that aside, I'm glad to be here and just relax. I've got some long stretches of time planned with people I love. It's time to be me and let go in a place that knows who I am. Boston knows who I am and wants to change me. Pittsburgh knows who I was in college. Florida, for me, is like a city of refuge from the Bible, although I have to be honest and say that I'm not the same person I was when I left here a year ago.

Coming back always brings knowledge and growing through God. He uses people here in FL in strategic ways to strengthen my faith. I know this trip isn't any different. I need to be challenged in my walk. It's been far too easy to get soft in my daily disciplines in a place where none of it is valued. I battle every moment to see truth and deny lies in Boston. Being missional is very, very hard work. It requires the discipline of Christ and I know I don't have that. The way of the truth truly is a very narrow, rocky, dangerous path. That is not the way of those in Boston--they want easy, well-tred, beautiful, and entertaining paths. Christ is not that path. At least I have eyes open enough to see the obviousness of the lie because it's not couched in religiousity. At least many people in Boston clearly reject the truth and make it known where they stand. At least we have a starting point. It's much harder to minister to someone who already believes the 'easy' percentage of what you have to say.

So I'm here, ready to soak up the truth that God has laid for me. May I be humble enough to hear it all.

The 'Burgh

Side note before I get to the blog...I had completely forgotten that I blogged this AM before work. Long day...

I am now sitting in my brother's 3rd bedroom-turned-office in a suburb of good ol' Pittsburgh. His GIGANTIC black cat (properly named Monster) is laying on the desk next to me. This is the first time I've met the infamous cat. At any rate, my flight was about 30 minutes delayed out of Boston, but I was fine with that. I navigated the 'no liquids' mess just fine. There was a marked decrease in the carried-on baggage since when I last flew in July. And I just need to add that JetBlue rocks. This airline definitely needs to fly into Pensacola or Ft Walton...great service, great seats, DirecTV...

The last day at work was quite odd as last days go. I worked. I summed some data, helped out in a few crises. The only thing that would have made it more normal would've been a meeting. We had a cake party in one of the classrooms--it was really sweet. I cried a little bit, but I know I'm going to be able to see who I want to see. I'm not moving anywhere this time. I'm looking forward to expanding relationships with people that were limited by the bounds of 'professionalism.' I'm praying that God will blow those doors wide open with opportunity.

So, I'm ready to rest and see what God brings on. It's been an intense summer--a crucible perhaps. I wonder what's going to come of this next week?

Rest

Breathing in and out. In and out. Seeing clearly. Moving forward. Breathing in and out. In and out.

That feels so good I can't even express it. Pure joy.

Woah

By some literal miracle of God, I am DONE with writing my final exam and preparing my last lecture. Done done. This summer of constant work for class and therefore no tan is done. YEAAAAA! I'm shouting. Seriously. Now it's time to clean like a bandit and await Kasia's arrival. I. AM. SO. EXCITED.

To cast a long, lingering look behind

I absolutely should be either writing my final exam or my final lecture right now, but I just can't get down to the business of doing that until I can get this blog out of my system.

Today was the first time since I tendered my resignation that I feel uneasy about it. I had my last visit to one of the group homes tonight and the staff there didn't know I was leaving. I had no idea they didn't know. I tried to explain to the verbal student that I wasn't going to be coming back to the residence again. She told me I should come back and visit again even after I stop coming to the school. Then she asked if she could move into my office and take over my desk. (Which is more than a little hilarious since she's 9 and earns to come and visit my office when she follows her rules.) Anyway, it was just a weird conversation to have. I really love the kids and the staff members that are dedicated to their success. Unfortunately other forces have outweighed those benefits. It's time to make my week-long goodbye.

Possibility in Hopefulness

For the first time in a while I feel like I have energy. I attribute this to quite a few things: teaching my 2nd-to-last class that will contain instruction, I can see the end of the tunnel at work, I finished being on-call for the last time, I got a new dining room table that was a fabulous deal, and I had an iced coffee at 3:30pm. Who knows if I'll sleep tonight...In all seriousness, I feel like I'm more fight-worthy than I've been in a long time. Maybe I'll actually have the energy to do all that needs to happen before Kasia gets here Saturday afternoon. It's not impossible.

Potential & Fear, or is it Potential of Fear?

This little tidbit was posted on the blog of a friend, who got it from a Bible study. No matter where it came from, it's applicable and I wanted to share it. Seems like a whole lot of my audience (including myself) needs to take it in deep.
-J
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Too often we conform to the culture or our own little world and don't even think to challenge the roles were seemingly dropped into. Embedded deep in the heart of each person is a passion to discover what they were made for and what they are truly capable of. As touchable as dreams can sometimes seem, the problem occurs when something comes up and you fear you wont have what it takes. You start to believe that you don't have what your dream will demand, and thats where you can potentially lose hold.

What needs to be understood is that desire wasn't yours to begin with but has been wired into you by your Creator God and the fullness of the life He calls you to. When we allow the fear of failure to sever our dreams, we fall short of that fullness. Failure is inevitable to a point, but who ever said it was a bad thing? Failure always comes across as negative because most often when we experience it, (especially with an audience), we feel exposed and jump up so fast to save face that we miss what we could have learned from the fall.

Begin to learn what causes your mistakes so that next time you hit the floor you can get up with an understanding of why you're down there. Gods given you a dream, so trust Him as you pursue it. As Philippians 4:13 says, I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.

Somebody post SOMETHING!

There's been a recent dearth in good blogging in my world as of late. I can't shoulder this alone people! Unless you want to hear me spout Cooper, Heron, & Heward (1987) about punishment procedures, you're not going to get much out of me today...

So, someone blog something I can sink my mental teeth into. Please.

A Quote That's Been Following Me Around

I never read the following poem until a few days ago when a friend emailed it to me. Just tonight I ran across it in a book I was finishing. So I must tack it to the blog for posterity's sake....

Disturb Us, Lord
- Attributed to Sir Francis Drake

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

"A life of risk will be intimidating/demanding/difficult/lonely/overwhelming/troublesome/uncomfortable. But serving God is worth the risk, because God is enough [italics mine]. It's better for us to risk something for which we are passionate about and fail than to never risk at all, because more important than safety is the pleasure of God." --JR Briggs, When God Says Jump

Making It Count

It's been an up and down week for me at work. One day I'm having an amicable meeting with the boss about me leaving, the next day I'm being treated like a persona non grata. Then I tell one of my staff about resigning and she started crying. Hard.

Today I stayed in my office most of the day, keeping to myself, and beginning the long task of organizing everything I do so that some other people can figure it out. I think I deleted half the files on my computer today since so much of it was redundant. Anyway, I only really talked to my staff today, and told a few more people that I'm leaving. All of them asked me if I was joking. That was the universal first response. I guess I don't seem the type to make such a big decision so quickly. And they're right....

Now it's time to leverage the days.

Heart of Ministry

Admittedly I read a lot. Most of it is on the web, which is a great place to find the pulse of the culture and those in ministry that are connected to the culture. I guess I do all that reading because I'm searching for my niche. Being a woman called to ministry is not easy. I'm trying to find a place where my gifts, talents, and calling collide. Maybe that's too much to ask. But maybe it's not.

I'm still here in Boston, committed to church planting, despite the fact that my team is gone. I don't know where God wants me to go with this vision. All I know is that He's ordered my steps to get into a position where beginning seminary is more than possible. I took the step and it feels really good. I'm remembering that Indiana Jones feeling I had last year--walking out onto that invisible platform, trusting God all the way. I will not look down.

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The original intent for this post was to comment on a quote I read in the Relevant Leader newsletter: "Personally, the issues that most motivate my life in ministry are discipleship and a desire for authentic community in the Church." Did this person read my mind? Or is this the heart of what Christ has called us to in this generation?