Rest

Breathing in and out. In and out. Seeing clearly. Moving forward. Breathing in and out. In and out.

That feels so good I can't even express it. Pure joy.

Woah

By some literal miracle of God, I am DONE with writing my final exam and preparing my last lecture. Done done. This summer of constant work for class and therefore no tan is done. YEAAAAA! I'm shouting. Seriously. Now it's time to clean like a bandit and await Kasia's arrival. I. AM. SO. EXCITED.

To cast a long, lingering look behind

I absolutely should be either writing my final exam or my final lecture right now, but I just can't get down to the business of doing that until I can get this blog out of my system.

Today was the first time since I tendered my resignation that I feel uneasy about it. I had my last visit to one of the group homes tonight and the staff there didn't know I was leaving. I had no idea they didn't know. I tried to explain to the verbal student that I wasn't going to be coming back to the residence again. She told me I should come back and visit again even after I stop coming to the school. Then she asked if she could move into my office and take over my desk. (Which is more than a little hilarious since she's 9 and earns to come and visit my office when she follows her rules.) Anyway, it was just a weird conversation to have. I really love the kids and the staff members that are dedicated to their success. Unfortunately other forces have outweighed those benefits. It's time to make my week-long goodbye.

Possibility in Hopefulness

For the first time in a while I feel like I have energy. I attribute this to quite a few things: teaching my 2nd-to-last class that will contain instruction, I can see the end of the tunnel at work, I finished being on-call for the last time, I got a new dining room table that was a fabulous deal, and I had an iced coffee at 3:30pm. Who knows if I'll sleep tonight...In all seriousness, I feel like I'm more fight-worthy than I've been in a long time. Maybe I'll actually have the energy to do all that needs to happen before Kasia gets here Saturday afternoon. It's not impossible.

Potential & Fear, or is it Potential of Fear?

This little tidbit was posted on the blog of a friend, who got it from a Bible study. No matter where it came from, it's applicable and I wanted to share it. Seems like a whole lot of my audience (including myself) needs to take it in deep.
-J
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Too often we conform to the culture or our own little world and don't even think to challenge the roles were seemingly dropped into. Embedded deep in the heart of each person is a passion to discover what they were made for and what they are truly capable of. As touchable as dreams can sometimes seem, the problem occurs when something comes up and you fear you wont have what it takes. You start to believe that you don't have what your dream will demand, and thats where you can potentially lose hold.

What needs to be understood is that desire wasn't yours to begin with but has been wired into you by your Creator God and the fullness of the life He calls you to. When we allow the fear of failure to sever our dreams, we fall short of that fullness. Failure is inevitable to a point, but who ever said it was a bad thing? Failure always comes across as negative because most often when we experience it, (especially with an audience), we feel exposed and jump up so fast to save face that we miss what we could have learned from the fall.

Begin to learn what causes your mistakes so that next time you hit the floor you can get up with an understanding of why you're down there. Gods given you a dream, so trust Him as you pursue it. As Philippians 4:13 says, I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.

Somebody post SOMETHING!

There's been a recent dearth in good blogging in my world as of late. I can't shoulder this alone people! Unless you want to hear me spout Cooper, Heron, & Heward (1987) about punishment procedures, you're not going to get much out of me today...

So, someone blog something I can sink my mental teeth into. Please.

A Quote That's Been Following Me Around

I never read the following poem until a few days ago when a friend emailed it to me. Just tonight I ran across it in a book I was finishing. So I must tack it to the blog for posterity's sake....

Disturb Us, Lord
- Attributed to Sir Francis Drake

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

"A life of risk will be intimidating/demanding/difficult/lonely/overwhelming/troublesome/uncomfortable. But serving God is worth the risk, because God is enough [italics mine]. It's better for us to risk something for which we are passionate about and fail than to never risk at all, because more important than safety is the pleasure of God." --JR Briggs, When God Says Jump

Making It Count

It's been an up and down week for me at work. One day I'm having an amicable meeting with the boss about me leaving, the next day I'm being treated like a persona non grata. Then I tell one of my staff about resigning and she started crying. Hard.

Today I stayed in my office most of the day, keeping to myself, and beginning the long task of organizing everything I do so that some other people can figure it out. I think I deleted half the files on my computer today since so much of it was redundant. Anyway, I only really talked to my staff today, and told a few more people that I'm leaving. All of them asked me if I was joking. That was the universal first response. I guess I don't seem the type to make such a big decision so quickly. And they're right....

Now it's time to leverage the days.

Heart of Ministry

Admittedly I read a lot. Most of it is on the web, which is a great place to find the pulse of the culture and those in ministry that are connected to the culture. I guess I do all that reading because I'm searching for my niche. Being a woman called to ministry is not easy. I'm trying to find a place where my gifts, talents, and calling collide. Maybe that's too much to ask. But maybe it's not.

I'm still here in Boston, committed to church planting, despite the fact that my team is gone. I don't know where God wants me to go with this vision. All I know is that He's ordered my steps to get into a position where beginning seminary is more than possible. I took the step and it feels really good. I'm remembering that Indiana Jones feeling I had last year--walking out onto that invisible platform, trusting God all the way. I will not look down.

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The original intent for this post was to comment on a quote I read in the Relevant Leader newsletter: "Personally, the issues that most motivate my life in ministry are discipleship and a desire for authentic community in the Church." Did this person read my mind? Or is this the heart of what Christ has called us to in this generation?