Saturday, June 03, 2006
Silence and Space
At Bible study the other night I got on a tangent about how when my life is most noisy I hear from God less, and vice versa. I have a hungering need for silence and solitude with God but a bracing fear of actually stopping and being silent. It's a horrible conundrum and most likely one of those things God has appointed me to learn in this earthly life. So, with that in mind, I read Mark Driscoll's blog this morning and found there was a link to an article he wrote for the Faith & Values section of the Seattle Times. (If you don't know anything about Mark Driscoll, you should learn--he's written a couple fantastic books and is putting into practice a ministry in Seattle that in many ways mirrors the one we desire for Boston). So, click here for the article Mark wrote about silence. This guy has an amazing way of putting into words all the things I think (and know) I want to say.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Work
I'm still tired after my trip. I hope this weekend will bring the rest I need, but that's going to difficult since Saturday is a bit busy. Going to bed early tonight after doing laundry will be a good thing.
So, I'm at work right now, kind of taking a break before delving into the stack of paperwork that needs to be logged and sorted. Totally not fun on a rainy Friday, but my desk will be clean at the end of day for the first time in weeks. Next Monday through Wednesday is our school's re-accreditation, so it's been pretty crazy around here for the last month or so. There's still things that need to be done, but there's too much for me to do if I wanted it to be perfect. So it's not going to be and I'm ok with that. Our school's accreditation is not going to depend on 5 of my student's graphs being updated. That's an entire day's worth of stress that I'm choosing not to have. And that's a really good choice.
So, I'm at work right now, kind of taking a break before delving into the stack of paperwork that needs to be logged and sorted. Totally not fun on a rainy Friday, but my desk will be clean at the end of day for the first time in weeks. Next Monday through Wednesday is our school's re-accreditation, so it's been pretty crazy around here for the last month or so. There's still things that need to be done, but there's too much for me to do if I wanted it to be perfect. So it's not going to be and I'm ok with that. Our school's accreditation is not going to depend on 5 of my student's graphs being updated. That's an entire day's worth of stress that I'm choosing not to have. And that's a really good choice.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Back
I stepped inside my apartment about 20 minutes ago, so I'm officially home again. It's about a million degrees in here and I need to get to work, but I figured I'd post to let everyone know I'm home. If I'm not completely exhausted after work I'll post about my trip. I bet you're all waiting in anticipation!! ;)
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Spent
Everything that's going on has worn me out. I am poured out. I've been sitting in mourning over Rebekah's death since Thursday afternoon and it's sinking in. I haven't been overwrought about it since Friday afternoon--I'm healing and seeing God work through it, though I'm not quite rejoicing yet. I'm still kind of numb about the whole thing. I've had a lot of opportunity to be alone with my thoughts and alone with God the past few days.
I'm taking it easy at this conference overall. I don't have a passion for the smoozing aspect of what comes along with climbing the ladder in my field. So, I'm opting out of that, just going to presentations to get the continuing ed credits I need. I'm seeing old friends and that feels good. But I'm still so tired.
I'm going to Buckhead Church this afternoon. That's the closest I can get to home while I'm here in Atlanta. I'm praying for rest and a little bit of peace in all of this chaos. I'm praying to see how He is choosing to work in this situation.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm taking it easy at this conference overall. I don't have a passion for the smoozing aspect of what comes along with climbing the ladder in my field. So, I'm opting out of that, just going to presentations to get the continuing ed credits I need. I'm seeing old friends and that feels good. But I'm still so tired.
I'm going to Buckhead Church this afternoon. That's the closest I can get to home while I'm here in Atlanta. I'm praying for rest and a little bit of peace in all of this chaos. I'm praying to see how He is choosing to work in this situation.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, May 22, 2006
something someone else said (part 2)
Mitch Hedberg says, “I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
But I share his sentiment. I went to go see the DaVinci Code on Friday (I would not recommend it, 2.5 hours of talking and vapid acting) but anyway there were protestors out there with picket signs. I was like…. “Picket signs?”
Does your church honestly think that picket signs are the answer? Do picket signs reach anyone anymore? Is this still a methodology that works? That people respond to? And should this be the church’s line of action? I don’t know…it seems really….well, I want to say “Old Fashioned,” but let’s say “Stupid” instead.
And then at Starbucks, I saw those picketers on the front page of the newspaper. I think if that paper hit God’s porch in the morning, he would throw that days paper in the trash. I doubt He’d be saying. “Well done good and faithful servants. I am so glad you all took this passive stance using archaic and outdated methods.”
All I can think is, “Oh great, more bad press for Christians.” I don’t think non-believers look at that and say, “Wow, those people really stand up for what they believe.” I think they think, “There they go again, pointing fingers…..”
John Burke says, “Everyone knows what the church is against. But do they ever hear what we are for?”
So, I want to picket the picketers. I want to make my own signs that tell the picketers that it’s all going to be ok, and that God loves all people. God loves people who see the DaVinci Code, God loves homosexuals, God loves women who get abortions and God loves abortion Doctors. I want my signs to be bigger than their signs and I want to stand right in front of them, so that all they see is me, and all the world sees is the back of our two signs.
Do I think a picketer ever made a homosexual turn from their orientation? No…
Do I think a picketer should be in the front of an abortion clinic as hurt and confused girls run in? No, But what if we all put our signs down….and left the entrances to these places alone and all met back at the exit.
People don’t need picketers in front of the theatre as people are going in; they need people to meet them on their way out. Not to condemn them, but to help them with their questions, and to invite them to fellowship where their questions can be answered.
People don’t need picketers out in front of abortion clinics. No, but they do need to be there for the broken women who are walking out. Where do these shattered lives go? Can the church be the hospital that it should be? Can it be there to help these people put their lives back together and invite them into fellowship?
Hey picketer! Put the megaphone down, fold up your director’s chair and meet me around in the back. Let’s talk to people, not yell at them. Let’s meet people, not accuse them. Let’s welcome people, not scare them.
Let’s use Christ’s approach. He healed the sick. He raised the dead. You and I have the answer to life. You and I hold the keys to the Kingdom of God. So let’s open doors.
But I share his sentiment. I went to go see the DaVinci Code on Friday (I would not recommend it, 2.5 hours of talking and vapid acting) but anyway there were protestors out there with picket signs. I was like…. “Picket signs?”
Does your church honestly think that picket signs are the answer? Do picket signs reach anyone anymore? Is this still a methodology that works? That people respond to? And should this be the church’s line of action? I don’t know…it seems really….well, I want to say “Old Fashioned,” but let’s say “Stupid” instead.
And then at Starbucks, I saw those picketers on the front page of the newspaper. I think if that paper hit God’s porch in the morning, he would throw that days paper in the trash. I doubt He’d be saying. “Well done good and faithful servants. I am so glad you all took this passive stance using archaic and outdated methods.”
All I can think is, “Oh great, more bad press for Christians.” I don’t think non-believers look at that and say, “Wow, those people really stand up for what they believe.” I think they think, “There they go again, pointing fingers…..”
John Burke says, “Everyone knows what the church is against. But do they ever hear what we are for?”
So, I want to picket the picketers. I want to make my own signs that tell the picketers that it’s all going to be ok, and that God loves all people. God loves people who see the DaVinci Code, God loves homosexuals, God loves women who get abortions and God loves abortion Doctors. I want my signs to be bigger than their signs and I want to stand right in front of them, so that all they see is me, and all the world sees is the back of our two signs.
Do I think a picketer ever made a homosexual turn from their orientation? No…
Do I think a picketer should be in the front of an abortion clinic as hurt and confused girls run in? No, But what if we all put our signs down….and left the entrances to these places alone and all met back at the exit.
People don’t need picketers in front of the theatre as people are going in; they need people to meet them on their way out. Not to condemn them, but to help them with their questions, and to invite them to fellowship where their questions can be answered.
People don’t need picketers out in front of abortion clinics. No, but they do need to be there for the broken women who are walking out. Where do these shattered lives go? Can the church be the hospital that it should be? Can it be there to help these people put their lives back together and invite them into fellowship?
Hey picketer! Put the megaphone down, fold up your director’s chair and meet me around in the back. Let’s talk to people, not yell at them. Let’s meet people, not accuse them. Let’s welcome people, not scare them.
Let’s use Christ’s approach. He healed the sick. He raised the dead. You and I have the answer to life. You and I hold the keys to the Kingdom of God. So let’s open doors.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
new beginnings
i've been back in boston for nearly 9 months now. enough time to have a baby--so weird. in a lot of ways my time here has been a birth. that imagery has been present with me in a very real way the last few months. so much is growing now--work responsibilities, personal ministry, church ministry, professional opportunities, ministry education. it's more than a little overwhelming. i knew God was preparing me for something big, but this feels so beyond me. my life seems to be moving faster than i am. there haven't been many days in the last few weeks where i felt like i got ahead of the game. and maybe that's the entire point--maybe i'm not supposed to get ahead because God's path for my life can't be accomplished by me. it has to be by His hand alone. this is the same old struggle again, but i get refined more every time. i have my lists every day, but i'm more apt to pay attention to how He's moving and deviate when necessary. some days i'm better at it than others, but i always learn. i'm a ragamuffin who's glad that Christ walks with us on all types of roads.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I See the Light!
My drive home today contained something I haven't seen in days--blue sky. There were little glimpses of it between the clouds that have hung over us for what seems like weeks. Bits of sun reflected magnificiently off the Hancock Building as passed through my favorite overlook in the Blue Hills. It gave me hope that everything that's raining down on me is going to eventually break to reveal the light.
Monday, May 15, 2006
something someone else said
the following article is copied from a blog i read on a regular basis.
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Simply Available
‘If we never take time, how can we ever have time?” The Merovingian asked Neo in the Matrix trilogy.
I can’t just talk about having personal quiet communion with God, I have to plan it into my day, or it’s not going to happen. And if I want this to become more adopted in my life, I need to be comfortable developing this habit in my own settings. So, I went to an empty room at my church, locked the door behind me with a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door for any busy custodians and quietly sat on the carpeted floor with a lit candle in front of me.
As my eyes closed, I picked a focus word: Available. It has been becoming more and more relevant in my journey as of late. How can I be more available to God? Not as a tool, or a teacher or a busy-bee, but just as an accessible disciple? How can I be more available to the people in my life? Not as a mentor, or a preacher or a distributor of biblical advice, but simply how can I be more obtainable for their needs? Can I sit still and wait on Him? (Psa 27:14) Can I be a soldier in waiting? Can I be a sentry alert and ready? Otherwise, if I am not available and waiting for commands from my Lord, how will I hear Him if I am too busy following my own decrees?
At first, I fought off anxiousness. “Here I am Lord, available.” I seemed to be thinking. I wanted a theophany or a vision or a feeling similar to John’s revelation. Perhaps I felt that simply by creating the environment, I could create the experience. I could feel my spirit becoming restless. But, this did not seem to fit the idea of being available to God. Was I only available to God, if He was available to me? Why do I feel my relationship with God is contingent upon anything I design? If the Lord said, “Wait here” and pointed to my seat, who am I to become fretful for my orders or apprehensive for His return? My duty is to be present; my obligation is to be offered.
As I sat there, I began to be aware of the spirit of waiting. I was waiting for this moment to pass. I was waiting for the clock to tell me it was over. I was waiting for a personal communion with God. I was in a character of impatience, I was not available. I shook my head and tried to refocus. “I’m waiting.” I heard.
‘That’s true,’ I quickly thought. I had an image of a child sitting in the corner with the extended finger of a parent behind the words, ‘You sit there and think about what you have done.’ No, I was not being punished, but I was being reminded: God waits for me all of the time. God waits for me here in this classroom while I am running around the church hanging signs and getting things ready for Sunday. God waits for me in quiet meditation as I busily teach and hurry through lessons and bible studies. God waits for me in scripture as I race through homework and personal devotions before I collapse in sleep. God waits for me to realize… God waits for me to come…. God waits for me to awaken… God waits for me to see… God waits for me to hear… God waits for me patiently.
Am I as patient? I want to hurry up and graduate, I want my students to hurry up and grow. I want to hurry up and get a full time ministry, I want to hurry up and actualize my future. I want to hurry up and have a child, I want to hurry up and conquer my sins. I want to treat my relationship with God, the way I treat my life here on Earth. I want to get to the next stage quickly. I want to pass the next car. I want to take another step forward in line. I want to progress.
Waiting feels like wasting.
Availability feels like abandon.
Sometimes when we stop to take a breath, we focus on the mountain and are disheartened at the remaining cliff yet to scale. ‘I’m wasting my time,’ we think. ‘I should be climbing.’ But rests and breaths are important for life. They serve a function that although unseen is crucial. My function is to be a disciple, a learner, a sitter and a listener. I receive my climbing orders as the Lord doles them out. My heart and mind and spirit rest in a state of availability. My rest begins with my words, “I am here.” And I sit and wait for his words to mirror mine.
-----
i resonate with what he's saying and try to do that--to make space for God. but it always seems to be on my schedule...i am the person looking at the huge mountain and thinking it's insurmountable. i am the person who thinks the stopping is a waste of time. maybe if i stop i won't ever climb again. so i'm brought back to that same old reminder that God calls us to let go of whatever is comfort to us. and for me it's never stopping. Lord, please let me stop.
-----
Simply Available
‘If we never take time, how can we ever have time?” The Merovingian asked Neo in the Matrix trilogy.
I can’t just talk about having personal quiet communion with God, I have to plan it into my day, or it’s not going to happen. And if I want this to become more adopted in my life, I need to be comfortable developing this habit in my own settings. So, I went to an empty room at my church, locked the door behind me with a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door for any busy custodians and quietly sat on the carpeted floor with a lit candle in front of me.
As my eyes closed, I picked a focus word: Available. It has been becoming more and more relevant in my journey as of late. How can I be more available to God? Not as a tool, or a teacher or a busy-bee, but just as an accessible disciple? How can I be more available to the people in my life? Not as a mentor, or a preacher or a distributor of biblical advice, but simply how can I be more obtainable for their needs? Can I sit still and wait on Him? (Psa 27:14) Can I be a soldier in waiting? Can I be a sentry alert and ready? Otherwise, if I am not available and waiting for commands from my Lord, how will I hear Him if I am too busy following my own decrees?
At first, I fought off anxiousness. “Here I am Lord, available.” I seemed to be thinking. I wanted a theophany or a vision or a feeling similar to John’s revelation. Perhaps I felt that simply by creating the environment, I could create the experience. I could feel my spirit becoming restless. But, this did not seem to fit the idea of being available to God. Was I only available to God, if He was available to me? Why do I feel my relationship with God is contingent upon anything I design? If the Lord said, “Wait here” and pointed to my seat, who am I to become fretful for my orders or apprehensive for His return? My duty is to be present; my obligation is to be offered.
As I sat there, I began to be aware of the spirit of waiting. I was waiting for this moment to pass. I was waiting for the clock to tell me it was over. I was waiting for a personal communion with God. I was in a character of impatience, I was not available. I shook my head and tried to refocus. “I’m waiting.” I heard.
‘That’s true,’ I quickly thought. I had an image of a child sitting in the corner with the extended finger of a parent behind the words, ‘You sit there and think about what you have done.’ No, I was not being punished, but I was being reminded: God waits for me all of the time. God waits for me here in this classroom while I am running around the church hanging signs and getting things ready for Sunday. God waits for me in quiet meditation as I busily teach and hurry through lessons and bible studies. God waits for me in scripture as I race through homework and personal devotions before I collapse in sleep. God waits for me to realize… God waits for me to come…. God waits for me to awaken… God waits for me to see… God waits for me to hear… God waits for me patiently.
Am I as patient? I want to hurry up and graduate, I want my students to hurry up and grow. I want to hurry up and get a full time ministry, I want to hurry up and actualize my future. I want to hurry up and have a child, I want to hurry up and conquer my sins. I want to treat my relationship with God, the way I treat my life here on Earth. I want to get to the next stage quickly. I want to pass the next car. I want to take another step forward in line. I want to progress.
Waiting feels like wasting.
Availability feels like abandon.
Sometimes when we stop to take a breath, we focus on the mountain and are disheartened at the remaining cliff yet to scale. ‘I’m wasting my time,’ we think. ‘I should be climbing.’ But rests and breaths are important for life. They serve a function that although unseen is crucial. My function is to be a disciple, a learner, a sitter and a listener. I receive my climbing orders as the Lord doles them out. My heart and mind and spirit rest in a state of availability. My rest begins with my words, “I am here.” And I sit and wait for his words to mirror mine.
-----
i resonate with what he's saying and try to do that--to make space for God. but it always seems to be on my schedule...i am the person looking at the huge mountain and thinking it's insurmountable. i am the person who thinks the stopping is a waste of time. maybe if i stop i won't ever climb again. so i'm brought back to that same old reminder that God calls us to let go of whatever is comfort to us. and for me it's never stopping. Lord, please let me stop.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
weird
i have officially been added to the national autism center's senior clinical staff page. this is a slightly bizarro experience since i'm listed among the literati at the may center. i guess i just don't see myself that way. i posted the link to my bio page if anyone's interested...http://www.nationalautismcenter.org/bios/johnston.html
Saturday, May 13, 2006
home depot has more than tools
so, rosana and i went to home depot today, on the search for electrical plugs, flowers, and other sundry home improvement items. we stopped by the paint section to check out some wood stain for her futon. we mulled over the choices a little while and then i saw him--hot joe the paint guy. way back in november when jess was visiting, we debated paint choices for my kitchen at this particular home depot. and that's when we met hot joe. he helped pick out 'bookbinder' for the walls. needless to say, it was a nice experience. the next time i was in home depot, he was there. another time, i saw him stopped at the same traffic light as me.
well, i wasn't counting on seeing hot joe today. he greeted me in the paint section and i smiled. i'm sure i blushed more than a little bit. rosana gave me a hard time about this guy. he is a boy though. probably no more than 23. but dang, he made me act like a high schooler for an hour this afternoon...
well, i wasn't counting on seeing hot joe today. he greeted me in the paint section and i smiled. i'm sure i blushed more than a little bit. rosana gave me a hard time about this guy. he is a boy though. probably no more than 23. but dang, he made me act like a high schooler for an hour this afternoon...
Monday, May 08, 2006
once and never again
United 93 was one of those movies that everyone needs to see once and never again. I rank it up there with The Passion and Schindler's List. All are brutal and dramatizations of real, gut-wrenching events. We have to see those things to remember that life isn't all about our new cool stuff, our jobs, or an argument over what kind of pizza toppings to order. Life can be dark, unfair, and out of our control. Pain happens. It's a part of what we have to experience to be human beings.
American culture shelters us from a lot of that. We medicate ourselves from all kinds of emotional and physical pain with drugs, food, sex, relationships, entertainment, exercise--distraction. But to be really human, sometimes we just have to feel the anguish with those passengers calling their loved ones to say last goodbyes. With Jews in concentration camps burying the fetid bodies of their friends. With Christ being flogged for no sin of His own.
That's why I drove home from the movie without the phone on or any music playing. I wanted to sit with that pain for a little while. I cried out to God about why something like 9.11 happened. I remembered that my anguish wasn't new--that the Bible records the pain of many, many people who asked why. And I thanked God that my little moment of pain took me back to Him.
American culture shelters us from a lot of that. We medicate ourselves from all kinds of emotional and physical pain with drugs, food, sex, relationships, entertainment, exercise--distraction. But to be really human, sometimes we just have to feel the anguish with those passengers calling their loved ones to say last goodbyes. With Jews in concentration camps burying the fetid bodies of their friends. With Christ being flogged for no sin of His own.
That's why I drove home from the movie without the phone on or any music playing. I wanted to sit with that pain for a little while. I cried out to God about why something like 9.11 happened. I remembered that my anguish wasn't new--that the Bible records the pain of many, many people who asked why. And I thanked God that my little moment of pain took me back to Him.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
ok, so it wasn't a total disaster...
apparently i'm an egomaniacal control freak. people at work like my hair--a few even complemented me on it before i could ask for their opinion. i was literally obsessing over it all last night, all this morning, until someone said something about it about as soon as i walked into school. how could i be so distracted by such a stupid thing? it's not that my hair looked bad, it's just that it came out differently than i'd been expecting. maybe this is a little object lesson for me that's much larger than hair color. could i be dissatisfied with my life, despite things being ok, just because it's different from what i think it should be? could i be dissapointed with God for not doing what i want Him to do? it's not just hair dye anymore...
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
disaster
i've just experienced humbling at the hands of a box of haircolor. it turned out awful and i wasn't even trying to be adventurous. just a slightly lighter brown with some highlights. ha! apparently that means light brown with too many copper penny highlights. argh. i'm just going to make it through work tomorrow then dye it back as best i can. the whole idea of it makes me exhausted.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
There is a season...
It's been a weird collection of days. Thursday was full of tears. Friday was full of laundry. Saturday was full of service. And today was full of fun. I am down with the writer of Ecclesiastes 3: "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..." That's a huge bit of wisdom I've seen borne out in my life recently.
Despite the intensity that often surrounds me, I'm so thankful for every moment God has given me in Boston. The things I described above are all a part of the mosaic that is Him at work in and through me here. It's a beautiful thing to see. God is wondrous and His ways are far beyond mine. He works every instant out to His glory. Each moment forms my life and equips me to serve him better. How amazing!
In honor of formation, I want to declare to a broader audience an announcement: I am going to attend seminary. I'm not sure when I will start (fall or winter), but I'm looking seriously at Gordon-Conwell's MDiv program in Urban Ministry. I'm praying about this and am asking for the prayers of the rest of you as well. As far as I see things, I won't be quitting work since the classes are at night or on special weekend sessions. But...if God wants me to quit, that's what I'm going to do. More than anything, I want His wisdom in this situation. I'm rejoicing that God is opening this door, but I don't want to be blinded in any way by the enemy.
Despite the intensity that often surrounds me, I'm so thankful for every moment God has given me in Boston. The things I described above are all a part of the mosaic that is Him at work in and through me here. It's a beautiful thing to see. God is wondrous and His ways are far beyond mine. He works every instant out to His glory. Each moment forms my life and equips me to serve him better. How amazing!
In honor of formation, I want to declare to a broader audience an announcement: I am going to attend seminary. I'm not sure when I will start (fall or winter), but I'm looking seriously at Gordon-Conwell's MDiv program in Urban Ministry. I'm praying about this and am asking for the prayers of the rest of you as well. As far as I see things, I won't be quitting work since the classes are at night or on special weekend sessions. But...if God wants me to quit, that's what I'm going to do. More than anything, I want His wisdom in this situation. I'm rejoicing that God is opening this door, but I don't want to be blinded in any way by the enemy.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
poured out
i am so tired. the fatigue is emotional and physical. i'm being poured out like a drink offering and it's painful. my fabulous to do list for the week has nary a slash mark to be found. and i'm leaning hard into Him. He is the only way i can press on through the interruptions, allergies, and unmet goals. i need to remember how He was poured out for me and be a willing vessel. this is His mission for me this week--that's very clear. but right now...it's really hard.
Monday, April 24, 2006
soul longing
occasionally i look back and remember my teen years and the angst they included. how important everything seemed. the little dramas that rocked my world. how devastating situations looked at the time. truly, some of those moments were soul-crunching, spirit-dampening, character-forming. but they were all so felt. in maturing, did we lose our ability to be honest about our emotions? are we all a little bit numb?
looking back, i see i was the most numb when i was farthest away from Christ. i was so drawn up and worn down by my own drama that i wasn't touched at all by the pain of those around me. i didn't care too much about anything other than me. and even at that, i threw myself into more drama just so i could feel something through the callous.
then something happened. the layers were painfully torn away. the scales fell off. my old, scarred heart was replaced with a new one. the Holy Spirit rushed in. Christ's recapturing of my heart was dramatic and humbling. and i could feel it all--the painful change and the overwhelming joy. i was given a gift to see people and empathize deeply. that's something i never knew before my life became His life. sometimes that gift is distracting and embarrassing. sometimes i cry on behalf of strangers, but sometimes i labor in tears with a friend. after living for years selling my emotions short, i daily praise my Father for giving me a means to minister sometimes without words. what a precious gift. what a beautiful Savior.
looking back, i see i was the most numb when i was farthest away from Christ. i was so drawn up and worn down by my own drama that i wasn't touched at all by the pain of those around me. i didn't care too much about anything other than me. and even at that, i threw myself into more drama just so i could feel something through the callous.
then something happened. the layers were painfully torn away. the scales fell off. my old, scarred heart was replaced with a new one. the Holy Spirit rushed in. Christ's recapturing of my heart was dramatic and humbling. and i could feel it all--the painful change and the overwhelming joy. i was given a gift to see people and empathize deeply. that's something i never knew before my life became His life. sometimes that gift is distracting and embarrassing. sometimes i cry on behalf of strangers, but sometimes i labor in tears with a friend. after living for years selling my emotions short, i daily praise my Father for giving me a means to minister sometimes without words. what a precious gift. what a beautiful Savior.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
swan lake gone wrong
due to kim working at broadway in boston, i was able to see matthew bourne's swan lake for free last night. we had more than decent seats in the small theater (which i commented later was smaller than the auditorium in my high school) and i was prepared to see my first broadway performance since a trip to nyc during undergrad. i haven't seen the original swan lake production--the classic ballet version. i didn't know the story at all, but i'm sure what i saw last night was not it. i believe the original is popular for children (like the nutcracker) but i would not bring children to this 'revival!' i can see the director was trying to update the story for modern audiences, but i didn't know it was contemporary until one of the characters had their cell phone ring. the costuming never portrayed a modern setting--it was a bizarre mix of 50s, 60s, and 70s clothing that pranced around on stage. odd.
well, that's not really the heart of my review. the dancing was really quite good. the swan troupe could have done better to be synchronized when needed, but the principal dancer was amazing. i was completely in awe that a male body, not intended for so much grace, could move and bend with such lightness. unfortunately, about 120 minutes of the 140 minute running time was dripping with all sorts of sexuality: hetero-, homo-, bi-, trans-. it was all there, glorified. as if the entire story revolved around sex.
the way i saw it (there were no speaking parts like a traditional ballet), the prince (who i assume to be in his 20s) desired to be loved by his queen mother and was not. he had a nightmare about swans one night and his mother refused to comfort him (a weird scene of oedipal-type wrestling around with the prince trying to hug his mother). the prince dates a socially inappropriate girl he likes but the queen doesn't. the girl gets paid off to leave the prince alone by the queen's secretary. the prince gets drunk and experiences a swan fantasy in a park--afraid of the swans and eventually loves them. (this scene lasted WAY too long and was more than a little homoerotic. there were several points where i was literally biting my lip to keep from laughing.) intermission. (i almost left, but my curiosity won out. it starts again.) everyone important in the kingdom goes to a ball at the palace. lots of very sexual dancing. a 'stranger' shows up (who is the same guy as the principal swan) and tries to lure everyone's woman away. he comes on to the queen and is successful. the prince freaks out and pulls a gun. the girl the prince dated before tries to stop him. the queen's secretary also pulls a gun. the girl gets shot and dies. the prince somehow ends up in a mental hospital. (i question if the entire show is the fantasy of a mental patient). he is given some drugs and ends up in his (the prince's) bedroom again. the swans come out from under the bed. the prince dances with them. the principal swan comes out through a hole in the bed (very cool and also kinda gross at the same time). he has cuts on him--weird. the other swans try to attack him and they are fought off eventually. a weird love dance with the swan and prince. (i am worrying that this is going to end up IN the bed.) the other swans come back and attack the swan again, eventually making him disappear (we were getting pretty close to some Christ-imagery here that was bothersome). the prince looks for him and passes out on the bed. resolve to morning. the queen comes in to greet the prince and finds him dead on the bed. then you can see above the bed, backlit behind a scrim, the swan holding the limp body of the prince. end of show.
ok. just bizarre, full of agenda, and bleak. i saw some good dancing, but i didn't learn anything new. the show said to me: 'if the primary people who are supposed to love you don't do so in a way you need, go out and find someone else (anyone else) who will. it's especially good if they sacrifice a lot to love you.' but then there was nothing. lots of big, dramatic 'loving' and dying, but that's all. so very self-focused. the one character that cared about others even a little bit (the rejected girlfriend) was murdered and never mentioned again. hmmm... yet another illustration of the realization of the world i live in. i'll chalk the experience up to keeping my eyes open and out of my own little world.
well, that's not really the heart of my review. the dancing was really quite good. the swan troupe could have done better to be synchronized when needed, but the principal dancer was amazing. i was completely in awe that a male body, not intended for so much grace, could move and bend with such lightness. unfortunately, about 120 minutes of the 140 minute running time was dripping with all sorts of sexuality: hetero-, homo-, bi-, trans-. it was all there, glorified. as if the entire story revolved around sex.
the way i saw it (there were no speaking parts like a traditional ballet), the prince (who i assume to be in his 20s) desired to be loved by his queen mother and was not. he had a nightmare about swans one night and his mother refused to comfort him (a weird scene of oedipal-type wrestling around with the prince trying to hug his mother). the prince dates a socially inappropriate girl he likes but the queen doesn't. the girl gets paid off to leave the prince alone by the queen's secretary. the prince gets drunk and experiences a swan fantasy in a park--afraid of the swans and eventually loves them. (this scene lasted WAY too long and was more than a little homoerotic. there were several points where i was literally biting my lip to keep from laughing.) intermission. (i almost left, but my curiosity won out. it starts again.) everyone important in the kingdom goes to a ball at the palace. lots of very sexual dancing. a 'stranger' shows up (who is the same guy as the principal swan) and tries to lure everyone's woman away. he comes on to the queen and is successful. the prince freaks out and pulls a gun. the girl the prince dated before tries to stop him. the queen's secretary also pulls a gun. the girl gets shot and dies. the prince somehow ends up in a mental hospital. (i question if the entire show is the fantasy of a mental patient). he is given some drugs and ends up in his (the prince's) bedroom again. the swans come out from under the bed. the prince dances with them. the principal swan comes out through a hole in the bed (very cool and also kinda gross at the same time). he has cuts on him--weird. the other swans try to attack him and they are fought off eventually. a weird love dance with the swan and prince. (i am worrying that this is going to end up IN the bed.) the other swans come back and attack the swan again, eventually making him disappear (we were getting pretty close to some Christ-imagery here that was bothersome). the prince looks for him and passes out on the bed. resolve to morning. the queen comes in to greet the prince and finds him dead on the bed. then you can see above the bed, backlit behind a scrim, the swan holding the limp body of the prince. end of show.
ok. just bizarre, full of agenda, and bleak. i saw some good dancing, but i didn't learn anything new. the show said to me: 'if the primary people who are supposed to love you don't do so in a way you need, go out and find someone else (anyone else) who will. it's especially good if they sacrifice a lot to love you.' but then there was nothing. lots of big, dramatic 'loving' and dying, but that's all. so very self-focused. the one character that cared about others even a little bit (the rejected girlfriend) was murdered and never mentioned again. hmmm... yet another illustration of the realization of the world i live in. i'll chalk the experience up to keeping my eyes open and out of my own little world.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
the weather...and other thursday randomness...
it was another gorgeous spring day today. it was a shame to be inside working all day, but everyone's spirits were high. it's going to be colder tomorrow, but we have to take the mundane with the amazing!
so, tomorrow night i'm going to see this broadway version of swan lake in boston. it's supposed to be a pretty good show. and even better--i'm seeing it for free! i have a friend who works at broadway in boston and gets tickets to random shows. this is the first time i've been able to get to see one. another good part is being able to eat at silvertone (my new favorite boston eatery) before curtain time. i'm ready for a good evening!
so, tomorrow night i'm going to see this broadway version of swan lake in boston. it's supposed to be a pretty good show. and even better--i'm seeing it for free! i have a friend who works at broadway in boston and gets tickets to random shows. this is the first time i've been able to get to see one. another good part is being able to eat at silvertone (my new favorite boston eatery) before curtain time. i'm ready for a good evening!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
reading vs. work
do you ever wish you could read faster so you could read more books? i'm in this phase right now where i have a huge queue of books to get through. they are all so compelling that it's hard for me to have the patience to finish one at a time. can i just quit working for a little while so i can catch up on my reading?
Monday, April 17, 2006
the fight to see the transcendent
sometimes keeping your eyes on Christ is hard. sometimes life gets bizarre and you see everything but Christ all around you. it's hard to focus then. it kills me that i can have a couple hours that totally disorient and distract me from Christ, but when i get my bearings i can see the enemy's hand all over it. and that reminds me that i bear the mark of Christ--i am His and because of that i'm dangerous. the fog clears and my feet are on solid ground again.
__________________
i finished up donald miller's book "through painted deserts" tonight. the entire book is about simplicity and how that can help you see God more clearly--especially through nature. it's been a great respite in my generally crazy life. this is a passage that spoke to me:
"I start realizing that this is the first time I've encountered beauty in nature. I've read poems that have made my heart race. I've read scenes in novels that have caused me to close the book, set my head in my hands, and wonder how a human could so brilliantly orchestrate words. But nature has never inspired me until now. God is an artist, I think to myself. I have known this for a long time, seeing His brushwork in the rivers. But the night sky is His greatest work. And I would have never known this if I had stayed in Houston. I would have bought a little condo and filled it with Ikea trinkets and dated some girl just because she was hot and would have read self-help books, end to end, one after another, trying to fix the gaping holes in the bottom of my soul, the hole that, right now, seems plugged with Orion, allowing my soul to collect that feeling of belonging and love you only get when you stop long enough to engage the obvious."
__________________
i finished up donald miller's book "through painted deserts" tonight. the entire book is about simplicity and how that can help you see God more clearly--especially through nature. it's been a great respite in my generally crazy life. this is a passage that spoke to me:
"I start realizing that this is the first time I've encountered beauty in nature. I've read poems that have made my heart race. I've read scenes in novels that have caused me to close the book, set my head in my hands, and wonder how a human could so brilliantly orchestrate words. But nature has never inspired me until now. God is an artist, I think to myself. I have known this for a long time, seeing His brushwork in the rivers. But the night sky is His greatest work. And I would have never known this if I had stayed in Houston. I would have bought a little condo and filled it with Ikea trinkets and dated some girl just because she was hot and would have read self-help books, end to end, one after another, trying to fix the gaping holes in the bottom of my soul, the hole that, right now, seems plugged with Orion, allowing my soul to collect that feeling of belonging and love you only get when you stop long enough to engage the obvious."
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