hmmm. wow. i'm nestled nicely in the best western roswell suites ending a day that was so up and down in ways i don't know if i can explain. i'm sitting here, right in the middle of a conference called thirsty that i've experienced as a revolutionary few days. this is the place 2 years ago where i heard the call of God to move into ministry. this is a place where i saw close friends open their mouths wide and drink in God. this place is a big deal to me.
i don't know if i came with any real expectations other than a break from work and time spent with jess. i got both of those things and a whole lot more. i've been blessed to surround this trip with rob bell's book 'velvet elvis.' i thought it would be another book full of things i agree with and a nice way to spend the plane ride here. the book has been more challenging than i expected. i'm not completely on board with everything he says, but there's a lot of truth in the pages i've read so far. and i'm hearing those words bent into different forms all through talks made by speakers here, my prayer life, the Word, and what jess has said to me. i don't think that's bizarre because i expect that here. but what i didn't expect is the message itself. i don't really know exactly what it is because i've been looking for a vision--what i still need is just a Savior who heals all the broken places.
last night francis chan spoke on the book of haggai (i know...totally crazy) about God saying over and over again that He is with us. the end of the talk blew me out of the water--God called zerubbabel His signet ring. that sounds bizarre, but when one considers what a signet ring symbolizes for a king it's a huge deal. haggai 2:23 is the same as when Christ told peter that whatever he loosed on earth would be loosed in heaven and what is bound on earth is bound in heaven. i never reached around that passage like that before. God is saying that we are His hands here--he trusts us and chooses us to carry out His plans. i knew that all before, but it somehow became personal for me then. He calls me to do His will. He has called me to preach to the prodigals. this is for real. this is not an abstract concept. and the coolest deal is He equips me to do it. totally. all that i need. end of story. i never realized how paralyzed by fear i am until that moment. i didn't know that i was hedging my bets in favor of a safer hand. but God isn't calling me to a safe hand, but rather a life of total abandon to His will.
so i cried those big, horrible sobs that only happen when realization is at its fullest. i was feeling more last night than i have since i moved to boston. i wasn't numb anymore. i wasn't rationalizing anymore. i stood up and was prayed over by strangers around me. i heard affirmations that my soul was parched and longing for. and the coolest deal is this was just the first day...
i read some earth-shattering stuff in 'velvet elvis' today and then voiced about 8 pages of it out loud to jess. i started crying in places and i wasn't sure why. i saw me on those pages. i saw people i love who stumbled in ministry there. i saw my need for a Savior. He's not just for asking forgiveness from--He's just as much about restoration and healing. i never thought i needed to be healed. i thought that part was all taken care of, but of course, i was wrong. i am so broken inside and need to be completely reworked by the Father. He needs to overhaul me in ways i never knew until today.
communion happened tonight at the main session. i didn't know if i could even handle that holy moment. i didn't feel deserving almost. but i walked up and ate of the bread and drank from the cup. i barely choked it down. when i got back to my seat i wrote this:
"there's something throat-catching about communion. how do we deserve that love? that sacrifice? how that we swallow that body and blood? the irony is that we can swallow it because of it. it requires us to choke it down sometimes to receive it. i don't know how that fits into my time here. another great wrestling to come out more like the One i wrestled with. burned down. refined. just simply less of me and more of Him. what this speaks about vision, work, church planting--i don't know. but i swallow it all down. washed clean by tears along the way. accepting the sacrifice that provides the way for accepting. resting in the God of Heaven."
i think i can see more of the fitting in now. i'm glad for perspective and how God washes it over me. Lord, bring more. bring the healing. bring the hope. bring only more of You.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
how the duke blue devils steal my joy -or- how march madness reflects the mind of God
my name is jen and i'm a march madness addict. i love the games. i love making a bracket. i love keeping track of the scores. it's like having the super bowl last over several weekends. it's fabulous. when march rolls around i become a full-on guy. i handicap the teams and carefully make a bracket. i never fail to do horribly, but it's fun to cheer the teams on.
i realized the depth of my fanaticism during spring break of my senior year in college. i was enjoying a week in a time share in orlando with my girlfriends and around came final four weekend. i spent a lot of time reading about the upcoming games and attempting to talk about them with my fellow vacationers. that did not go over well. only one of the other girls cared about college basketball and her beloved kentucky had already been eliminated. but duke was still in it. duke is my team and has been since i was in 4th grade. i'm surprised i didn't attempt to go to college there, but i digress...
it was the night of the final and the girls wanted to rent a movie. what?!?! they had no comprehension of the battle that was about to ensue and the importance of being an active observer of that battle. after no short battle of our own, the majority ruled. we rented a chick movie. i don't remember what it was, but i do remember it being horribly sappy and telling them so. they all finally went to bed...and i had the big tv all to myself to watch The Game. it was wonderful, thrilling, engrossing, and horribly disappointing. i think it went to at least 1 overtime but my team lost. i cried with coach k that year. if only i'd been watching the whole time--maybe we would have won!
fast forward to present day. i attacked my bracket with vigor this year, even wagering $5 on the hopes of earning a first place prize of $190. the money didn't mean anywhere near as much as the bragging rights as the winner. work was abuzz with the distraction. comraderie and competition filled the air. updates were published. and i bragged about casting my confidence behind duke to win it all again this year. they have a tradition i said. they have an historical coach. jj redick is one of the best college players of all time. so went my marketing campaign.
duke battled their way through a tight first round game that made me nervous. they destroyed george washington in the second round. and then came lsu last night. it all fell apart at the end of the game, and for a little while, i hated basketball. i watched redick cry and hug his teammates as the seconds ground out of his last college game. then i changed the channel.
there's something entirely passionate about march madness. the conference tournaments in the weeks before and the selection show determine the 64 teams that get to play the last games of the year to determine the "best." seniors play their final games here. no name schools topple giants. no one knows what to expect at any time. nearly every game is a highlight reel on its own. the final 3 seconds are filled with talk of 2-possession games. in no other sport is it so close. at no other time is american sport so desperately primal.
the desperation is the appeal. it's a battle royale spread out over 3 weekends every spring. i wonder if the roman citizens looked forward to the tournaments in the coliseum as much. sport has been around ever since people used tools enough to gain leisure time. we played at war when we weren't actually at war. isn't that what it all is? just war games with different weapons? i think we're all hard-wired to battle in some way. if it's for a cause, the Kingdom, ourselves, or basketball, we all participate in battle. this is especially true for those of us who are believers. as we are being renewed with the mind of Christ, we see more and more the spiritual battle that rages all around us. and even more ordinarily, we feel the tension of the battle that rages within us between our flesh and the desires of God.
march madness can provide lessons for us as believers. on a basic level, we need to show the same passion for Christ as we do our favorite basketball team. the amazing thing about the spiritual battle is that our team (namely the Trinity) will always win out in the end. there's no reason to be disappointed, despite the enemy trying to tell us differently.
i think it's also notable that the teams that win the tournament aren't necessarily the ones with the best players, but those that play as one and listen to their coach. that speaks volumes to me about how we need to function as the unified body of Christ, always listening to the voice of God. we shouldn't get caught up in the spectacular talent of another "player" and let them do all the spiritual work. this battle belongs to all of us. we need to be complementary to the strengths and weaknesses of the Body in order to move forward to victory. this victory can come for the Kingdom as a whole or for each believer personally as the redeemed self wins out over the dead flesh.
i thank God that i can see Him move in something like college basketball. that He can use it to reflect His heart is a beautiful thing. And it makes me even happier that call Him Abba.
i realized the depth of my fanaticism during spring break of my senior year in college. i was enjoying a week in a time share in orlando with my girlfriends and around came final four weekend. i spent a lot of time reading about the upcoming games and attempting to talk about them with my fellow vacationers. that did not go over well. only one of the other girls cared about college basketball and her beloved kentucky had already been eliminated. but duke was still in it. duke is my team and has been since i was in 4th grade. i'm surprised i didn't attempt to go to college there, but i digress...
it was the night of the final and the girls wanted to rent a movie. what?!?! they had no comprehension of the battle that was about to ensue and the importance of being an active observer of that battle. after no short battle of our own, the majority ruled. we rented a chick movie. i don't remember what it was, but i do remember it being horribly sappy and telling them so. they all finally went to bed...and i had the big tv all to myself to watch The Game. it was wonderful, thrilling, engrossing, and horribly disappointing. i think it went to at least 1 overtime but my team lost. i cried with coach k that year. if only i'd been watching the whole time--maybe we would have won!
fast forward to present day. i attacked my bracket with vigor this year, even wagering $5 on the hopes of earning a first place prize of $190. the money didn't mean anywhere near as much as the bragging rights as the winner. work was abuzz with the distraction. comraderie and competition filled the air. updates were published. and i bragged about casting my confidence behind duke to win it all again this year. they have a tradition i said. they have an historical coach. jj redick is one of the best college players of all time. so went my marketing campaign.
duke battled their way through a tight first round game that made me nervous. they destroyed george washington in the second round. and then came lsu last night. it all fell apart at the end of the game, and for a little while, i hated basketball. i watched redick cry and hug his teammates as the seconds ground out of his last college game. then i changed the channel.
there's something entirely passionate about march madness. the conference tournaments in the weeks before and the selection show determine the 64 teams that get to play the last games of the year to determine the "best." seniors play their final games here. no name schools topple giants. no one knows what to expect at any time. nearly every game is a highlight reel on its own. the final 3 seconds are filled with talk of 2-possession games. in no other sport is it so close. at no other time is american sport so desperately primal.
the desperation is the appeal. it's a battle royale spread out over 3 weekends every spring. i wonder if the roman citizens looked forward to the tournaments in the coliseum as much. sport has been around ever since people used tools enough to gain leisure time. we played at war when we weren't actually at war. isn't that what it all is? just war games with different weapons? i think we're all hard-wired to battle in some way. if it's for a cause, the Kingdom, ourselves, or basketball, we all participate in battle. this is especially true for those of us who are believers. as we are being renewed with the mind of Christ, we see more and more the spiritual battle that rages all around us. and even more ordinarily, we feel the tension of the battle that rages within us between our flesh and the desires of God.
march madness can provide lessons for us as believers. on a basic level, we need to show the same passion for Christ as we do our favorite basketball team. the amazing thing about the spiritual battle is that our team (namely the Trinity) will always win out in the end. there's no reason to be disappointed, despite the enemy trying to tell us differently.
i think it's also notable that the teams that win the tournament aren't necessarily the ones with the best players, but those that play as one and listen to their coach. that speaks volumes to me about how we need to function as the unified body of Christ, always listening to the voice of God. we shouldn't get caught up in the spectacular talent of another "player" and let them do all the spiritual work. this battle belongs to all of us. we need to be complementary to the strengths and weaknesses of the Body in order to move forward to victory. this victory can come for the Kingdom as a whole or for each believer personally as the redeemed self wins out over the dead flesh.
i thank God that i can see Him move in something like college basketball. that He can use it to reflect His heart is a beautiful thing. And it makes me even happier that call Him Abba.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
recapturing 'me'
so i cut most of my hair off again. it's the hairstyle i've wanted for years and it finally happened. i didn't really plan it, but it worked out somehow. i liked the style in a pic i found in a magazine and the stylist modified it. i inexplicably ended up with the perfect hair at a salon in a strip mall, located literally around the corner from work. crazy, but very cool.
apparently others like the hair too. i've gotten a lot of compliments from people at work. i think it helps to work in a building with a lot of people and to also be one of the people in charge. ok, so some of these complimentors are maybe giving me lip service, but not all of them....right??
apparently others like the hair too. i've gotten a lot of compliments from people at work. i think it helps to work in a building with a lot of people and to also be one of the people in charge. ok, so some of these complimentors are maybe giving me lip service, but not all of them....right??
Sunday, March 12, 2006
dance of the dissident daughter
i began reading the book of same title as above thinking that i might learn something about the role of women in the church, but i found something much different. i found a collection of prose only loosely connected to scripture written by a woman who missed the point. i muddled my way through the chapters on her journey to find the 'feminine divine,' scarcely controlling my desire to burn the book or cross out passages. but i couldn't--it's a library book.
when she was finally able to find her answers, i was actually able to agree with something she said. she spoke about the essence of God not as merely other or transcendent, but also close and relational. the question is begged--why did it take so much jungian analysis, feminist research, and participation in mystical women-celebration to get to that point?
unfortunately, the author is still lost, despite her years in the southern baptist church. i think she's a victim of the 'christian culture' of the south, that sometimes empties the gospel of its wholeness. i weep for this woman. she works so hard to make faith complicated and non-traditional and eschews the simplicity of a God-man who died in the place of all. she forgets the glory of the resurrection in favor of the god of self. she shapes god in her own image in an attempt to cure centuries of cruelty to women. that injustice is not the fault of God, but growing out of the sin of man- (and woman-) kind.
i'm not sure if i can say what i learned since i'm not quite finished yet. i can say i'm thankful for a few things: i'm thankful that i can take what any author writes and pour it through the sieve of scripture. i'm thankful for a mind given by God to do that. i'm thankful for freedom from restriction (religious or governmental), so that i was able to even read that book.
when she was finally able to find her answers, i was actually able to agree with something she said. she spoke about the essence of God not as merely other or transcendent, but also close and relational. the question is begged--why did it take so much jungian analysis, feminist research, and participation in mystical women-celebration to get to that point?
unfortunately, the author is still lost, despite her years in the southern baptist church. i think she's a victim of the 'christian culture' of the south, that sometimes empties the gospel of its wholeness. i weep for this woman. she works so hard to make faith complicated and non-traditional and eschews the simplicity of a God-man who died in the place of all. she forgets the glory of the resurrection in favor of the god of self. she shapes god in her own image in an attempt to cure centuries of cruelty to women. that injustice is not the fault of God, but growing out of the sin of man- (and woman-) kind.
i'm not sure if i can say what i learned since i'm not quite finished yet. i can say i'm thankful for a few things: i'm thankful that i can take what any author writes and pour it through the sieve of scripture. i'm thankful for a mind given by God to do that. i'm thankful for freedom from restriction (religious or governmental), so that i was able to even read that book.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
a little reality check
on saturday, rosana and i spent some QT at our fav haunt--the southie target. it's a great combo of classic target value and crazy ghetto-licious drama...but the target is not the subject of this blog, but merely it's setting.
so, rosana and i are in target on saturday. we're wandering around the home organization area (read: plastic containers of various sizes meant to 'organize' everything from trash to sweaters to wrapping paper) just chatting it up. she was talking about the date that was planned for later. i asked her if it was the same guy from last week--the one who stood her up at the restaurant. she said no, and then proceeded to give me a backstory that actually shocked me. anyway, the stand-up guy apparently called her on monday to try to patch things up and get another date. he explained that there was an emergency that caused him not to show up. when she pressed for more of an answer, he shared that his neighbor and friend (a female) had just gone through a breakup and was really upset. he was there consoling her when he should have been on a date with rosana. [at this point, i was already thinking this guy was pretty ballsy to tell such a tale and still ask for another date, but oh, this was NOT the end of the story...] she went on to press stand-up man why then, he didn't take a few seconds to call her. [this is where he becomes even ballsier.] then comes the response...he was having sex with break-up girl. holy crap. i think my chin hit the floor while we were checking out plastic trash cans! i'm not a naive person and i've done more than my share of sin and sketchy things, but this took the cake. i couldn't believe a guy would do what he did and expect to call, completely fess up and get another date with another girl! on top of that my surprise was expanded by rosana's reaction--she RESPECTED him for telling the truth. HELLO--TOTAL CAD ALERT!!
so here's the moral for me...no matter how 'aware' or 'worldly wise' i think i am, the depths of sin will somehow find a way to surprise me. maybe this is a good thing--that i have some semblance of innocence left. maybe it's God's way of reminding me what He saved me from. no matter what, my eyes are opened wider to the lostness of my community and the drive to love that community has grown even stronger.
so, rosana and i are in target on saturday. we're wandering around the home organization area (read: plastic containers of various sizes meant to 'organize' everything from trash to sweaters to wrapping paper) just chatting it up. she was talking about the date that was planned for later. i asked her if it was the same guy from last week--the one who stood her up at the restaurant. she said no, and then proceeded to give me a backstory that actually shocked me. anyway, the stand-up guy apparently called her on monday to try to patch things up and get another date. he explained that there was an emergency that caused him not to show up. when she pressed for more of an answer, he shared that his neighbor and friend (a female) had just gone through a breakup and was really upset. he was there consoling her when he should have been on a date with rosana. [at this point, i was already thinking this guy was pretty ballsy to tell such a tale and still ask for another date, but oh, this was NOT the end of the story...] she went on to press stand-up man why then, he didn't take a few seconds to call her. [this is where he becomes even ballsier.] then comes the response...he was having sex with break-up girl. holy crap. i think my chin hit the floor while we were checking out plastic trash cans! i'm not a naive person and i've done more than my share of sin and sketchy things, but this took the cake. i couldn't believe a guy would do what he did and expect to call, completely fess up and get another date with another girl! on top of that my surprise was expanded by rosana's reaction--she RESPECTED him for telling the truth. HELLO--TOTAL CAD ALERT!!
so here's the moral for me...no matter how 'aware' or 'worldly wise' i think i am, the depths of sin will somehow find a way to surprise me. maybe this is a good thing--that i have some semblance of innocence left. maybe it's God's way of reminding me what He saved me from. no matter what, my eyes are opened wider to the lostness of my community and the drive to love that community has grown even stronger.
Friday, March 03, 2006
preach it!
Check out this story about Olympic snowboarder Kelly Clark:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/olympics/2006/writers/02/13/clark.pipe/
I love the headline--A higher power: U.S. snowboarder Clark finds her victory elsewhere
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/olympics/2006/writers/02/13/clark.pipe/
I love the headline--A higher power: U.S. snowboarder Clark finds her victory elsewhere
Monday, February 27, 2006
the mbta game
the mbta (or the "t" as we locals call it) is never a boring place. most of the time everyone on board works hard to ignore one another, no matter if everyone is squished together or not. most everyone plays the game of looking at one another but never making eye contact. it's actually quite fun to people-watch like that. anyway, the ignoring-watching game gets messed up when people break the rules. those people are generally children and once in a while the assorted freak. (one time there was a guy on the orange line that seemed to be gesticulating and responding to a person the rest of the world couldn't see. it looked like miming, but he was more likely mentally ill or high on something...)
my last few experiences on the t have been more remarkable than usual. on recent trips i've watched elderly twin women dressed exactly alike, a poorly made-up transvestite who appeared to be scared of his own shadow, and witnessed a near-brawl when a punk chick got pissed off after a group of theater players decided to break into song. three times. (that was actually the same night as the tranny-sighting) i digress...
the t is the melting pot of this city. almost everyone rides it. all you need is $1.25 and somewhere to go. i've sat with people of all ages, races, ethnic origins, religions, political leanings, and educational levels. it's a pretty cool thing. so i try not to tune out when i'm there, even though i'm listening to mp3s and playing sudoku. i still can hear and learn from watching the people of my city. that's why Jesus went to the city gates and the markets. it's where the people were. His advantage was He knew everything about those people--i'm still a student and i'm thankful for the t being such a willing teacher.
sometimes the t can provide moments of solace. last sunday night, i was rolling my way back from the church public, when i looked up to realize i had the whole car to myself. i was listening to chris tomlin and the desire to sing over that car just welled up inside me. so i did. i wasn't scared about anyone hearing me or what i sounded like. it was just me and the music and the roaring of the car on the tracks. what a cool way to worship!
my last few experiences on the t have been more remarkable than usual. on recent trips i've watched elderly twin women dressed exactly alike, a poorly made-up transvestite who appeared to be scared of his own shadow, and witnessed a near-brawl when a punk chick got pissed off after a group of theater players decided to break into song. three times. (that was actually the same night as the tranny-sighting) i digress...
the t is the melting pot of this city. almost everyone rides it. all you need is $1.25 and somewhere to go. i've sat with people of all ages, races, ethnic origins, religions, political leanings, and educational levels. it's a pretty cool thing. so i try not to tune out when i'm there, even though i'm listening to mp3s and playing sudoku. i still can hear and learn from watching the people of my city. that's why Jesus went to the city gates and the markets. it's where the people were. His advantage was He knew everything about those people--i'm still a student and i'm thankful for the t being such a willing teacher.
sometimes the t can provide moments of solace. last sunday night, i was rolling my way back from the church public, when i looked up to realize i had the whole car to myself. i was listening to chris tomlin and the desire to sing over that car just welled up inside me. so i did. i wasn't scared about anyone hearing me or what i sounded like. it was just me and the music and the roaring of the car on the tracks. what a cool way to worship!
Friday, February 24, 2006
i love getting mail!
thanks to the glory that is ebay, i was able to purchase a cut-rate set of magnetic poetry to grace my fridge. i added it to a set my credit card company sent as a thank you (very odd little thing to get in the mail...). the one i bought from ebay was a 'christian' version, which at first made me a little wary. i didn't want a set of all thees and thous! (there's only one thy and that's all!) i spent an inordinate amount of time playing around with the words after i opened the package. it turned into an awesome worship experience, which is pretty dang cool. i guess that's what dwelling on the majesty of God should be--taking time to ponder the words He created and somehow
use them to describe Him. it was totally cool and i highly suggest it to anyone! i'm posting some pics of my praises...i'd love for there to be a cool website somewhere where people could write magnetic poetry-type things to describe God. what a stinkin cool way to collectively praise Him who is worthy of all praise! anyway, just a thought. :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Feet behind doctrine
Being a witness at work during the most crazy day yet isn't a 'sexy' ministry. I don't know if I was very successful at it either. I had to work really hard to be self-sacrificing. I didn't choose to do the things I had to do today. I didn't choose to be gracious to my coworkers, but by the grace of God, I think I did that. I had stress written all over my face (despite my best efforts to mask it) but I made it though the day. It's no coincidence that God and I were chatting this morning about my witness at work, or that I began reading I Timothy. My prayer for tomorrow is not that it will be better, but that Christ's footprint in me would be that much more clear to everyone around.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
A busy weekend that bred some thoughts
I did more in the last 4 days than I've done since Passion06. CCPC training Friday night. Cleaning and laundry Saturday morning. Four hours of training residential staff Saturday afternoon. More cleaning and prep for Gabby and Eric's arrival Saturday night. Quincy Market for lunch on Sunday. Vision casting and meeting at The Church Public the rest of Sunday. Adventuring around Harvard Square on Monday afternoon. Ikea with Gabby on Monday night. Wow. It was tiring just typing that...but I had a good time and got to eat some good food. Why is it that good times are always paired with good food?
I digress. Vision casting for our church brought up things close to my heart...again. It was so great to hear out loud from others things that God has spoken to me and over me in the last few years. To hear about how He WILL capture Boston for His Glory. WOW. He's moving in this city. I can hear echoes of it. In a separated way, I hear how God is using Christians in other places to minister in 'non-traditional' ways that resonate with how we should minister here. I feel like those ideas are closer to be married to one another and that's so exciting. I've known since last summer that He's got something huge for this city. I can't deny the rich, deep heritage of the gospel in this place. There's already been talk about another great awakening beginning and I'm praying that that would truly be the case. Please join me in that plea!
I digress. Vision casting for our church brought up things close to my heart...again. It was so great to hear out loud from others things that God has spoken to me and over me in the last few years. To hear about how He WILL capture Boston for His Glory. WOW. He's moving in this city. I can hear echoes of it. In a separated way, I hear how God is using Christians in other places to minister in 'non-traditional' ways that resonate with how we should minister here. I feel like those ideas are closer to be married to one another and that's so exciting. I've known since last summer that He's got something huge for this city. I can't deny the rich, deep heritage of the gospel in this place. There's already been talk about another great awakening beginning and I'm praying that that would truly be the case. Please join me in that plea!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
on the quest to scare myself...
i have officially decided to freak myself out by doing things outside my element. that process started over a year ago when i knew i was going to move back here boston. moving meant quitting my job, trusting God for financial support, faith to find a place to live, etc. for a while after i moved, life was under my control again, or so i thought. when i kept making my own decisions, i moved farther away from God and His purposes. i was living a mundane existence for my own enjoyment. and that was just plain lame. God revolutionized that thinking at passion06 (funny how passion has that effect on me) and showed me how He's been working by bringing me out of the comfortable places.
here's the latest 'scary' things:
i'm no longer standing behind other people at work--i'm fully responsible for 21 clinical cases, with more to come. i accepted an offer to teach a graduate level course in behavior analysis during the summer semester. i am a pivotal member of a church plant that's just getting it's feet wet. i joined eharmony and am starting to communicate with guys who i may eventually want to date. i'm looking into actually buying a condo here.
i know many of those things aren't scary to most people, but they are to me. in some ways i'm a walking contradiction--i want stability, but am scared to death of commitment. i think that might arise from the fear of being wrong or imperfect. anyway, making those commitments and sticking my neck out is good for me. it keeps me looking up and trusting God to order my steps. it reminds me that He is always in control and has my best interests in mind. and that's the most comforting place in the world.
here's the latest 'scary' things:
i'm no longer standing behind other people at work--i'm fully responsible for 21 clinical cases, with more to come. i accepted an offer to teach a graduate level course in behavior analysis during the summer semester. i am a pivotal member of a church plant that's just getting it's feet wet. i joined eharmony and am starting to communicate with guys who i may eventually want to date. i'm looking into actually buying a condo here.
i know many of those things aren't scary to most people, but they are to me. in some ways i'm a walking contradiction--i want stability, but am scared to death of commitment. i think that might arise from the fear of being wrong or imperfect. anyway, making those commitments and sticking my neck out is good for me. it keeps me looking up and trusting God to order my steps. it reminds me that He is always in control and has my best interests in mind. and that's the most comforting place in the world.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The Blizzard of '06
Here's my upstairs neighbor Ashley finishing up the shovelling in the driveway. After we finished it started snowing really hard again. I really have no idea how much snow we got since it's been blown around, but I think it's about 18 inches. Boston Public Schools already closed for tomorrow. If we have a snow day I still have to go to work or use my vacation time...lovely. Rosana and I have spent the day watching movies and relaxing. Bizarre how doing that on a normal day is OK, but when you CAN'T go anywhere, it totally drives you crazy. Hence me actually going outside and shovelling. :) 
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
rough night...
So, I thought my house was going to blow up last night. Yes, it's true. I thought there was a natural gas leak, called the gas company, and eventually called 911. Four fire trucks showed up on my little street. It was insane! It was a bonding experience for my housemates (3 single ladies in their 20s & 30s) and I as we chatted and contemplated what was happening. It turned out to be no gas leak (despite the hideous odor that made me feel nauseated and light-headed) but rather a short in my boiler. Usually the safety won't allow the boiler to be on if there's no water in the system to heat. The safety shorted out and the boiler got so hot it melted a gauge. The end of it all was I had to stay in a motel last night (paid for by the landlord) since there was no heat. I stayed in the hotel on principle since the landlord hasn't fixed things she needs to--broken windows in my house and many other things in the housemates' apartments--and it's the law. It was quite a saga that's continuing. I'm sure I'll post about it again in a few days...
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
a call to be more than light
Work was difficult today, with meeting after meeting wearing me down from busy work and negligible decisions to be made. I was pretty stressed out and unfed (as usual) when I caught myself walking down the hall with the most downcast, negative expression. Immediately I decided that to finish the day, I needed to move on with a brighter attitude.
Later on, I had the opportunity to meet with some of my staff, talking about work-related things and just chatting. It was good to hear from them about what had happened during their day and I got a chance I didn't expect. I was talking with one of the house managers who was looking at the pictures on my desk. We got on the topic as I was trying to explain why several of the pics featured my friends in Israelite costumes and dark make-up. The best part was I got to tell her about being here to plant a church. She went to college at BU and grew up Catholic--she said it was "really cool" that I was here doing something like that. We moved on to other conversation, but I was happy to be able to share the other part of my life once again. I hope that conversation can be a part of a long seed-sowing process here.
On the way home I was listening to one of the breakout sessions from Passion06 presented by Tim Hughes. He was talking about being a worship leader, but the talk was applicable nonetheless. One thing really stuck out to me that summed up my day--a quote from John Wesley. Tim Hughes mangled it a little bit, but here's the real quote: "Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn." Some days more than others, it's a challenge to have that enthusiasm, but I keep seeing God show up on those rough days. Inevitably, that's when someone will say how much they appreciate my work or compliment me on my positive attitude. I praise God for undergirding me on those days, for rewarding my enthusiasm. I can see Him at work through me as I pour myself out for others with joy--that can't be of myself and God gets the glory as a result.
I'm glad that we are all on a journey, 'working out our salvation with fear and trembling,' as Paul says. I don't take that to mean we should be afraid of God, but rather know that we can't live this life on our own strength. Today I learned a little bit more about what it means to be His servant and it was worth every bit of stress.
Later on, I had the opportunity to meet with some of my staff, talking about work-related things and just chatting. It was good to hear from them about what had happened during their day and I got a chance I didn't expect. I was talking with one of the house managers who was looking at the pictures on my desk. We got on the topic as I was trying to explain why several of the pics featured my friends in Israelite costumes and dark make-up. The best part was I got to tell her about being here to plant a church. She went to college at BU and grew up Catholic--she said it was "really cool" that I was here doing something like that. We moved on to other conversation, but I was happy to be able to share the other part of my life once again. I hope that conversation can be a part of a long seed-sowing process here.
On the way home I was listening to one of the breakout sessions from Passion06 presented by Tim Hughes. He was talking about being a worship leader, but the talk was applicable nonetheless. One thing really stuck out to me that summed up my day--a quote from John Wesley. Tim Hughes mangled it a little bit, but here's the real quote: "Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn." Some days more than others, it's a challenge to have that enthusiasm, but I keep seeing God show up on those rough days. Inevitably, that's when someone will say how much they appreciate my work or compliment me on my positive attitude. I praise God for undergirding me on those days, for rewarding my enthusiasm. I can see Him at work through me as I pour myself out for others with joy--that can't be of myself and God gets the glory as a result.
I'm glad that we are all on a journey, 'working out our salvation with fear and trembling,' as Paul says. I don't take that to mean we should be afraid of God, but rather know that we can't live this life on our own strength. Today I learned a little bit more about what it means to be His servant and it was worth every bit of stress.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Chick movie of the week
Is it OK that I enjoyed a movie for teen girls? I just watched 'The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants' and really liked it. In a weird way, it reminds me 'The Joy Luck Club,' one of my favorite movies of all time. The stories of the 4 friends are well-plotted and the performances of 2 of the young actresses are truly impressive. A good rental for any girl looking for a clean film about sisterhood.
Monday, January 23, 2006
The Name
I was beginning to think we were going to remain a nameless church. I know that God doesn't need us to have a name to move as He desires, but a name is pivotal to our identity. And if you look at scripture, names are pretty stinking important. Over and over again, God changed people's names (Abram & Sarai, Saul, Simon to name a few) when He commissioned them or they underwent a huge life change.
So, we were back to needing a name for our newly born church. Last night 3 of us sat around and just brainstormed. We talked about Emerson's campus and what purpose we perceived our ministry would serve. We threw out words we love. We talked through scripture. We referenced books. I don't even know how long we talked, but we kept landing on the idea of community. We didn't want to use that word per se, but the idea of it was central to our body. So we got out the thesaurus and looked up 'community.'
Boston is a place where people keep themselves out of community but desire to have it so badly. Generally, community here is sought through worship of sports teams, musicians, and political ideals. Where does one go to worship and/or discuss these things in this city? The pub. That place is everywhere here. Cheers may have been a dramatization, but more often than not, the pub is a gathering place for Bostonians. I think it may be the strong Irish and British heritage of this place, but I swear half the restaurants here are brew pubs. People love to sit around, talk, watch the Sox, and have a pint--the essence of community.
So, that's how we got to our name: The Church Public. It harkens back to history and the 'publick house' (aka pubs). It declares the anti-exclusivity of our body of believers. It shows we don't have any secrets. It speaks of our community. (And we can call it 'The Pub' for short!)
I have to say it was a pretty sweet time working together to come up with a name, especially since none of us were satisfied (or could agree on) a name prior to that. We're pressing forward with plans for start-up, including a website, print materials, and doing a survey of students on Emerson's campus. We're going to be spending more time there as a group by attending events on campus as a team, as well as inviting students we've met through Good News Fellowship to come to our Sunday night meetings. Finally it feels like we're really starting. Praise God! It seemed like a long time coming, but I know it was all in His timing. I can't wait to see what amazing things come along as He goes before us!
So, we were back to needing a name for our newly born church. Last night 3 of us sat around and just brainstormed. We talked about Emerson's campus and what purpose we perceived our ministry would serve. We threw out words we love. We talked through scripture. We referenced books. I don't even know how long we talked, but we kept landing on the idea of community. We didn't want to use that word per se, but the idea of it was central to our body. So we got out the thesaurus and looked up 'community.'
Boston is a place where people keep themselves out of community but desire to have it so badly. Generally, community here is sought through worship of sports teams, musicians, and political ideals. Where does one go to worship and/or discuss these things in this city? The pub. That place is everywhere here. Cheers may have been a dramatization, but more often than not, the pub is a gathering place for Bostonians. I think it may be the strong Irish and British heritage of this place, but I swear half the restaurants here are brew pubs. People love to sit around, talk, watch the Sox, and have a pint--the essence of community.
So, that's how we got to our name: The Church Public. It harkens back to history and the 'publick house' (aka pubs). It declares the anti-exclusivity of our body of believers. It shows we don't have any secrets. It speaks of our community. (And we can call it 'The Pub' for short!)
I have to say it was a pretty sweet time working together to come up with a name, especially since none of us were satisfied (or could agree on) a name prior to that. We're pressing forward with plans for start-up, including a website, print materials, and doing a survey of students on Emerson's campus. We're going to be spending more time there as a group by attending events on campus as a team, as well as inviting students we've met through Good News Fellowship to come to our Sunday night meetings. Finally it feels like we're really starting. Praise God! It seemed like a long time coming, but I know it was all in His timing. I can't wait to see what amazing things come along as He goes before us!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Romans 7
I've always loved the book of Romans. Ever since I was a child, I've loved it. Chapter 7 has resonated with me for a long time. And chapter 7, verse 14-25 is me tonight. I'm at war--I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I do want to do. I desire to be a good witness, but I'm SO weak! Being here is hard...it's a mission that isn't safe for me, but yet it's what God calls me to. I'm so guilty of not seeing the dying souls all around me, being lulled by being a 'good person' or a 'nice person.' I don't see enough of myself 5 years ago in who they are. I don't have the empathy of a person compelled by the love of Christ to minister. I want the end of chapter 7 to wash over me--it's only CHRIST in me that can do good. HE IS THE REASON WHY I LIVE AND MOVE AND BREATHE. HE IS THE HOPE OF GLORY! God, rend my heart for these people so I may live a holy life before them that can only be attributed to YOUR strength!
Here's the verses in the New Living Translation:
14The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.
18I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
21It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God's law with all my heart. 23But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
Here's the verses in the New Living Translation:
14The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.
18I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.
21It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God's law with all my heart. 23But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
What makes you get up in the morning?
I had a day today that made me want to jump up and down, just thanking God for allowing me to be alive. Do you ever feel like that? I'm not really sure what made today one of those days, but it felt like I was doing exactly what I was created to do. On my drive home from work I was praying, thanking God for the day, and He said that the joy in my heart is how He feels when His children are finding pure delight in Him. Wow. I think being able to get a glimpse of God's heart was worth more than 1000 todays strung together.
Emerson's the other way...
I had several pics to upload at once, but I can't get Picasa to put them in the same post. Techno
logy can be a pain sometimes.
Well, here I am in Concord, MA, birthplace of the transcendentalist movement and the American Revolution. Lots to ponder...and it was a really gorgeous autumn day.
I'll try to get the rest of those pics up tomorrow. They're more from the daytrips JMurph and I took to Concord and Salem.
logy can be a pain sometimes.Well, here I am in Concord, MA, birthplace of the transcendentalist movement and the American Revolution. Lots to ponder...and it was a really gorgeous autumn day.
I'll try to get the rest of those pics up tomorrow. They're more from the daytrips JMurph and I took to Concord and Salem.
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