Mission Boston

The Unlikely Disciple

2009-07-10T23:43:00.003-04:00

I read myself hoarse tonight, poring over a fantastic book that Stacey and I could not put down. What began with me spouting off a few funny quotes while we sunned ourselves this afternoon turned into hours of digging deep into the rich loam that is The Unlikely Disciple. I have never read a memoir written by a young person that was this honest and real...it just knocked my socks off. The unique opportunity to see Christian culture through the eyes of someone foreign to it was priceless. Kevin Roose never sought to defame anyone in this book--he was just honest and very graceful. There are some things he mentioned that stung, but these are often things that also bother me about the particular brand of Christian culture purported by Liberty University. Kevin's struggle with faith but complete openness to fully participate in spiritual life on campus was remarkable. I also loved the random shout-out to my alma mater Grove City College that occurred amongst the pages.

But what will stay with me the most is what the book said to me about the value of relationship in a person coming closer to knowing Christ. Kevin presented himself as an 'insider' on the campus and was able to view everything without pretense and bias...and he walked away experiencing what it means to be truly loved by a Christian community. Maybe we should never put labels on people, separating them into camps of 'saved' and 'unsaved' and just live life with them. No shying away from doing the stuff of faith with them, ushering them into the experience but being gracious when they aren't ready to participate. Maybe this is 'relational evangelism' done truly well. I've always had an inkling that living life and drawing others alongside was it, but it never felt fully formed. This book as assured me of that truth.

The hard part is that life is rarely like a residential college campus, where you spend most of your time with the same people, doing all the activities of work (study), meals, sleep, and play together. There is no other time in life when community is so obviously present. This makes me all the more affirmed in the power of the collegiate moment to shape the trajectory of life and all the more empowered that God has me working in this moment with just these people. May He continue to provide me with the grace to expand what I've learned through this book into things I can put into practice on a daily basis with the students I serve.

Not My Home

2009-07-05T23:37:00.002-04:00

I had an incredible Boston 4th of July weekend--the kind that makes you incredibly thankful to live in a place where people all over the world desire to come and celebrate the Nation's birthday. I spent yesterday with some lovely old friends and new ones, chilling out on the Esplanade the entire day, enjoying great munchies, games, good books, fantastic people watching, and basking in the heretofore absent sunshine. It was no less than brilliant. As Lia said, it ranks right up there with my top 5 days in Boston, even with the crazy climbing over and through fences, and walking the entire 3.5 miles home with my good buddy Jon.

My blistered feet were screaming this morning along with the rest of my 30-something body. But...time to make the chowder for family meal! It was a sweet morning, prepping the old family recipe and watching the epic Roddick-Federer Wimbledon match. Then Kristin and I ran off to city hall plaza, where she found all the cool free stuff and I ate the other kind of chowder. Tonight we had a super fun family meal night with way too much food (as per usual), lots of laughs, loud talking, and impromptu singing.

All of this was so sweet, but it somehow left me longing. Knowing that so many friends are leaving Boston in weeks or months, I felt a sense of needing to cherish the moment. Just like when I was a kid, savoring each gulp of grape juice, holding it in my mouth to fully taste the sweet layers of flavor before swallowing it, I took in these days. I want to be wrapped in a warm blanket of friendship without anyone leaving me. I've had my share of leaving and being left...it adds up after awhile. I'm missing those old friends from college years more as I approach our reunion this fall. I'm pondering Florida memories and good times with Boston friends who've left.

There's nothing wrong with remembering...but there's something else I need to remember: this is not my home. No matter how I feel about God calling me to Boston, my true home is not here, but in heaven. This sounds bizarre, but it's true. No other place will fully satisfy my longing to be loved, cherished, and respected. Christ is the only one who will never leave me though I may run away from Him. I aspire to be like the followers mentioned in Hebrews 11, of which the writer says, "Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them" (Heb 11:13-16, MSG).

Despite the startling beauty of the moment, friends, fireworks...there's more than this that is not fleeting and waiting to be broken. Let me cling to the one who uses our longing to turn to Him.

Change

2009-06-19T10:10:00.004-04:00

Sitting nearly a month on the other side of my last posting is interesting. It was really good to read it again just now because my circumstances have changed dramatically. Only a few days after that post, I was informed that as of June 30 the contracts for clients in one school district weren't being renewed. This makes up about 75% of my income. I went through all the stages of grieving, feeling incredibly confused about the whole situation, but seeing God's hand over all of it. The previous malaise and feeling out of sorts was preparation in a sense for the current series of events. This is my opening to step out into something new and slightly scary.

I have my good and bad days where this situation is concerned. I vacillate between boldness to do the impossible and fear that drives me to constantly seek a way to pay for my life. Today is a good day--I feel ready to drive a stake in the ground and declare my intention to walk forward into what I feel is God's desire for my life at this point. I'm maintaining my positions as chaplain at Northeastern and leader at Shawmut Springs Church, and will begin a full-time course of study at Gordon-Conwell seminary in the fall. I will probably be working part-time with my current job (I still have 5 hours a week with 1 client) and am seeking additional part-time work. I have no idea how I'm going to afford to do this, but I am overwhelmed by God's leading to read Matthew 6 and Luke 1:37 this morning. Both passages are about God's abundant provision and His ability to work the 'impossible.' I assent to loving a God like that, but 99% of the time I behave as if that God doesn't exist. This is a time where I'm being called to take steps on the waves, needing to trust fully that fixing my eyes on Him will keep me from sinking.

I've seen God do absolutely incredible things but still foolishly doubt Him with my curse/blessing of a scientific mind and independent spirit. I don't want to be chained to a small idea of Him or myself--I need to release of my vision of our identities. I want to truly trust and lean into a God that I know will fully care for, love, provide, and nurture me. I want to believe that I will not always be this doubting child who refuses help and only trusts what she can see with her own eyes.

These are prayers that God answers and I KNOW He will respond tenfold today.

Just not right...

2009-05-25T22:23:00.003-04:00

I am officially burnt out.

I don't feel good at anything right now. I spent most of today researching new ideas for a behavior plan and I came up with nothing. I feel like I'm dropping the ball with ministry stuff too. I'm just off in a way I can't describe or understand.

I do have moments here and there that I catch a glimpse of myself in my element--in conversation with Ben about college ministry and in conversation with my neighbor Julie about the grant project I worked with in Florida. But those moments are few and far between now.

The kicker of it all is that I don't know what's wrong and I can't seem to fix it. I have no brilliant solutions for myself or anyone else. I have little confidence in my ideas or thought processes. It's like someone poked a hole in me and I'm slowly losing air.

Most of the time I'm just numb to it, functioning OK and doing what I need to do every day, but there are days where it just hits me. Today was one of those days. A conversation at a meeting and working on this behavior plan kept me inside and hiding all day.

It's so hard to not know what I need, because if I knew I could ask for it. I'm treading water, drifting farther and farther away from shore. I know it's dangerous but I'm paralyzed from swimming somehow.

I keep crying out to God for some realization or direction and I'm not hearing a response. I know I need Him more than anything else, but there's a blockage I don't understand. When I think about people from the Bible like Joseph and Job who went through long periods of difficulty and confusion I am encouraged, but I forget it all so fast. There is greater purpose in this and there's definitely a war that I can't see that's affecting me. I hate the enemy so much for distracting and discouraging me, but I know God has a greater plan for it all.

Maybe I need to claim His victory more often and rejoice that my life is in His hands. To proclaim His name and fame. To remember every second that I am NOT just a sum of my deeds but so much more than that. To stare in the face of opposition knowing that I don't fight battles alone--curse the enemy speaking that lie in my ear!

This is a pep talk for me and everyone else who is feeling overwhelmed. We can cling to the cross together--we can rejoice more loudly because we are unable to do anything in our own strength.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins." (2 Pet 1:3-9, NIV)

"Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God. The best invitation we ever received! We were also given absolutely terrific promises to pass on to you—your tickets to participation in the life of God after you turned your back on a world corrupted by lust.

So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books." (2 Pet 1:3-9, MSG)

I think I just found some verses to memorize....

The Call Revisited

2009-03-29T23:32:00.003-04:00

Chris gave us an assignment this week--to remember why God called us to Boston. I put it off until tonight. I had lots of important things to do, like obsess about cleaning the stainless steel fridge and rearrange all the pictures on it so they are lovely geometric collages. Yeah, important.

So I finally dug out old journals tonight. It firstly reminded me that I should write more. I journaled a little bit then and I do it even less now. Argh...what stuff am I forgetting? It also reminded me that I can be incredibly misguided. Another argh. But then I got to the good part--the list of what God showed me at Passion05. That was where God called me to Boston. It was incredibly moving to read that list over again, especially in light of the cynical journal entry from one of the days just before the conference. I was definitely brought right back to those amazing days.

Honestly, this Boston journey hasn't gone as I would have planned for myself. It has been an intensely shaping, growing, and stretching experience. Despite that, I still often feel like I am not truly sharing in Christ's sufferings in this place. That there is something more that God needs me to learn about carrying Christ in my everyday life. All I still know is that He wants me to continue learning in this place. To continue contextualizing the Gospel to those I meet, pray over, drink coffee with, and love. May my awe at God's call be as fresh on March 30, 2009 as it was on January 5, 2005. Fouryearsthreemonthstwenty-five days is less than a breath to You...You havebeenarewillbeworking in Boston calling people to Yourself, somehow using me in that process. Amen.

Passion 2010 Webcast

2009-02-19T13:08:00.003-05:00

The Passion 2010 live launch webcast was Monday night and I was so excited for it. Despite my nagging cold/flu, the equally sick Stacey and I laid on my bed, staring at laptops and worshipped Jesus together. Louie Giglio, Chris Tomlin, and Matt Redman led worship in a super low-tech (for Passion) night hosted in the 'big room' at the Passion House in Alpharetta, GA. There was no giant stadium or massive field to kick off this season of leaning into God calling students for 4 days of worship and rearranging of hearts.

It was awesome to hear them sing off key once in a while and have technical problems. These people are not perfect megastars (not that they ever say they are), but just people God has called to stand in the spotlight for this generation. Stace and I loved every minute of it because it felt a lot like our local fellowship here in the living room down the street.

As a part of signing on to the webcast, you could input your name, campus, and city. Northeastern U got a shout out, which I thought was pretty awesome. At another point in the night, Louie asked for people who are leaders that have been affected by Passion as students to email in prayer requests. Stacey somehow blazed off an amazing email and she was prayed for by name by one of the Passion staff members during the webcast. Additionally, Louie posted nearly the entirety of her email in his blog post the next day. She has been asking God lately for more people to pray for her and our ministry with college students in Boston--God certainly answered in a big way since the webcast and Louie's blog are viewed by a huge audience!

Also amazing was the fact that the discount registration for the event was opened that night. I needed to reserve 10 spots since that's what I felt like God was telling me to do. Only the first 1000 registrations would go for the $99 price. Well, by God's grace we got all 10 of those spots for that price! As Louie's blog stated the next day, those 1000 were gone in 7 minutes 8 seconds. Praise God that I can type quickly and that Stacey manned the computer when I left for a bathroom break!!

It truly was a lot of emotion packed into only 90 minutes of worship and prayer. I'm so thankful that God can use technology to unite hearts from all around the globe. If Passion is able to post the stream again, it would be worth watching!

Jesus Threw Me In the River

2009-02-08T15:39:00.002-05:00

I don't think I can do justice to my thoughts right now, having arrived home just over an hour ago, completely exhausted mentally and physically. I'm overwhelmingly thankful for all who were holding me up in prayer this weekend. I felt it and it made all the difference.

This weekend was a woah moment. I knew God had a lot to teach me and prepare me for, but it was unlike what I expected. I truly learned what it was like to approach students where they were from a position of humility and an openness to dialog. If you know me, you know I love being right. The truth of the Gospel is so important that it often becomes the ultimate "right." Many times the shape of that results in condemnation--more often than not driving people away from Christ. Well, God drove any need to be correct out of my heart this weekend. I found the humanly impossible balance of speaking truth with love. I listened way more than I spoke, but when I spoke, students (and others) listened.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have been used in this way. It was probably some of the most challenging days of my life, but I saw Jesus covering everything. It gives me faith and assurance that God can always work through me like that--when I have a willing and yielded spirit.

I want to be able to continue the conversations that began with so many. There was little idle talk amongst the group--they came to the table hungry. Pray alongside me that I would continue to have contact with all of these students with whom I was able to have more extended conversation:

-Paul
-Evan
-Reema
-Carolyn
-Brandon
-Jenny
-Alby
-Amber
-Honor
-Jay
-Harsheet
-Elaf
-Michelle
-Malcolm
-Drew

Several of these students "ended up" in the small group discussions I led, at my workshop, sitting next to me in big sessions, and at my meal table time and again. Nearly all of them do not have Christ at the center of their lives, but they are thirsty to drink from a well that does not run dry. They are hungry to taste and see. They desire wholeheartedly to do justice and love mercy. The piece that is missing is the Lord and walking humbly with Him. May these students be specifically connected to me or other students or people of faith who can walk alongside them in their journey toward Christ. Praise God that He is in control and desires for all to come to Him!

I am so thankful that I am able to be a small part of His movement at Northeastern and in Boston. He is truly mighty to save. He is bigger than the air we breathe.

Church Planting and Faith

2009-02-05T20:13:00.002-05:00

I think God can use you wherever. Big or a small city. I don’t think planting should be too comfortable. It has to come with risks. It is going to be uncomfortable. The best is when it does not make a whole lot of sense on paper. I think the doors are open. I don’t wait for God to open doors. I think they are always open. I would rather start heading down a path instead of waiting until I think a door is open, I will stop when I visibly see a shut door. What about you?

--Craig Gross of XXXchurch.com on church planting, emphasis mine

This encourages me at the juncture we're at as a community, just venturing out on the second plant. This also speaks to me as a follower of Christ, who has learned to trust Him more as my faith expands. Every single time I walk out into something new, with or without vision to do it, it has been the right thing, or God has course-corrected me in some way. There's a ton of comfort in that. God wants us to trust Him and do what a lot of others think is crazy. He doesn't want us to have comfortable, "normal" lives--He wants us to be in what Louie Giglio has described as the crazy rapids of a river that is His plan. It's an adventure I don't want to be on the banks just watching. I want to be in there, despite fears, tendencies to avoid failure, and desire for self-preservation.

Remember what Jesus said about losing our lives? I think He was right. He always is.

No, I Didn't Eat Too Much 7-Layer Dip...

2009-02-02T00:45:00.003-05:00

I can't fall asleep, but it's one of those good, amazing things because Jesus is the reason for it. I feel like a kid anticipating Christmas or a big snow day.

My heart is just so full right now. I can't even describe why, but I just feel so loved and see so much love around. I know that's altogether far more mushy than I ever am, but it's what I feel.

calm
safety
peace
anticipation
joy
love

I can't help but ask the Lord what He's up to. He's giving me a clue in some ways, but I'm disappointed with my ability to express it all right now. Let's suffice it to say that I'm putting a stake in the ground today by this post. I feel the lift in the sails. I don't know all the details of where we're going but the journey is taking off.

I AM SO EXCITED!

Lessons from the Backyard

2009-01-28T15:21:00.003-05:00

I watched the tail-less squirrel today who lives outside my window. He was happily leaping on fallen logs between sleet and freezing raindrops. He was out there living out his purpose among fiery cardinals, squawking blue jays, and ordinary sparrows. He wasn't ashamed of his missing tail at all. He just kept scavenging and running and doing things squirrels do that I don't understand.

We human beings have a blessing and a curse. We have the knowledge of good and evil. We are aware when things are wrong. We can choose to be disconnected from our creator. But we can conversely choose to be intimately connected and in relationship with Him.

Sometimes I want to be like my backyard squirrel--blissfully unaware that I'm not whole and just living the way it always is at the same time. Thankfully, I'm not created to ignore my missing piece nor function obliviously. When I attempt to do that I become as shallow as a squirrel. My humanity dies a little bit.

But when I plunge into the messiness of grasping a relationship with the Divine One who perfectly fits what's missing, who grants purpose, who provides meaning, who allows for all my pushing and fighting and desire for control...that's what it means to know God.

The World, Heaven, and Me

2009-01-14T22:59:00.002-05:00

Jesus has been rocking my world in a quiet way lately. I'm not sure how all the pieces will fit together just yet, but humor me in my journey to try to step back a bit and examine what we have so far...

So, Friday night Rob called out of the blue and asked me to share my story. It's been a long time since I've done a complete overview of my life. It had a pretty profound affect on me to remember all of the beauty and pain that's been contained in my life. To be reminded again of God's abiding work in and through me. I was in tears pretty quickly recalling all of it.

He asked me to share it on Sunday night, and I did. The Spirit brought a slightly different message, but it was no less humbling. In our time of music, prayer, and reflection afterwards, I continued my journey of thanksgiving for all that He has done with my obedience and disobedience. He was so very real and present for me that night that it was hard to move out of that place of reverence and get back to the real world just to walk down the street.

Tonight at CSU we continued our journey in Philippians, which is a book I suggested we study together. Last week was the first lesson and it was profound. Tonight contained great discussion that I enjoyed, but it became a therapy/reality check time for me personally.

We were discussing Phil 1:20-23, where Paul talks about his strong desire to be in heaven with Christ, but understands the necessity of living on Earth and doing the work assigned to him. The question was posed: if Christ came up to you and said, "Time to go!" would you just go, or would you hesitate? I was honest and said hesitate. So as a group we pressed into the issues underlying that. The results are thus: I have a list (written and unwritten) of things I want to do before I die that I regard more highly than Christ, I don't see time spent at His feet as more valuable than doing good works for Him, and I struggle with the idea that God doesn't need my help to accomplish His purposes (aka if I go to heaven, He will then be missing out on all the great stuff I can do for Him). What does all this point to??? Selfishness, conceit, and independence. These are all the things that get me in trouble--it's me underneath it all, raw and dirty.

Now that I've identified the problem and its root, what's next? I desire for Christ to be what I desire most, so how does my current state change? This is the hard question and one I'll probably be blogging about since I'm most likely not the only person who is struggling with this. Maybe God will share something that will rock someone else's world too.

Mad Men Melancholy

2009-01-01T23:01:00.007-05:00

I have this feeling like I sat around all day and didn't do anything. Which is, for the most part, true. I'm sort of rallying now, but it's 11pm and not the appropriate time to do much other than read, sleep, and be quiet.

This new year was rung in quietly, at home with some of my roommates. This was made necessary by the abundant snow, below-zero windchills and the fact that my car was protesting against said temperatures and refused to start. So I made a decent dinner, hunkered down on the sofa with laptop open and a glass of Malbec nearby. Eventually we watched the Da Vinci Code; made and received various well-wishing phone calls and text messages. A rowdy evening it was not.

So with this unproductive day and homebody New Years Eve I have mixed emotions about 2009. I wasn't rhapsodizing like when the ball dropped us into 2008. This past year has truly lived up to what I felt last New Years, so that leaves me a little concerned about my melancholy towards 2009. But maybe I just watched too many episodes of Mad Men in the last 3 days.

Who would have thought a month ago that I'd be praying to have my routine back?

Thank You for today

2008-09-07T23:06:00.004-04:00

Holy stinking cow, it's been since April since my last post. Woah. I never could have guessed that it was that long ago. So much has changed since then. I moved. I started on leadership at Shawmut. I became a chaplain at Northeastern. So, so much different stuff. My life is moving really fast but it's ridiculously exciting to be in the middle of God's plan that I never expected. Thank you Father for bringing me this far. Thank you for all the good and bad, for all the poor choices and obedience, for all the stepping out in faith when everything within me screamed NO. It's only through You that I am where I am today. Thank You for today.

"I Will Rise"--Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

Praise You

2008-04-15T21:51:00.002-04:00

Today was the longest day of work I've had in a really long time. I was in work-mode from 9:30am to 8:30pm, with about a 30 min break in there for lunch. It was a tiring day, but it was so cool too spend part of my commuting time praying thankfulness over what God has done with this house so far. I can see how He's working so many details together. I'd write more now but I think I'm going to pass out any minute....

New Horizons and Prayers

2008-04-14T19:04:00.002-04:00

I've been knee-deep in planning...so much so that I neglected to blog about God's next major leading in my life.

For the last couple years I've been dreaming about a place where I can offer up my home in hospitality to people who need a place to live or just a place to stay. That hasn't been a possibility in my life circumstances at the time. But things have changed. God has planted a huge blessing in the lap of my friend Stacey and I--he's given us an amazing apartment to rent and share. It's literally down the street from where we meet for Sunday nights. It's owned and recently built by a local pastor and his family. That's a huge thing in and of itself since the Christian community in this city is so small. Throughout the process of the last month it's been a privilege to pray with Stacey, pray alone, pray with their family, and know that they are also praying too. They speak our language and can understand the heart of desire that propels us into this house. This is truly an amazing blessing in so many ways!

Though we are getting into this house with no security deposit, no last month's, rent and no realtor fee (all those conditions are typical of renting in Boston), the rent still is $4200 per month. That's a lot of money and right now there's just Stacey and I. We need 3 or 4 more women to live in the house with us. Even more than that, Stacey and I want this to be an affordable place to live. We are beginning to raise support from people who want to join in on this monthly journey of faith and trusting that God will provide for this as-yet undefined ministry of hospitality, love, and discipleship among young women. Our desire is that our home would function as a family, living as a community of women who desire to grow deeper together in our understand of who God is, who we are in His eyes, and how relying on one another is the manifestation of God's Kingdom on earth.

I don't know who reads this blog, but there are a few of you out there. Please pray for Stacey and I. If you're called to give on behalf of this ministry, please email me for more information about how to do that. If you know or are a woman interested in this type of community living situation, don't hesitate to contact me.

Below is a slideshow of the house. If you link over to the photos on Picasa, there are detailed descriptions of the pictures.

Sunrise

2008-03-23T08:20:00.003-04:00

Awake My Soul

The image of God invisible, the first born of all life
Before and within, He holds it all in
One name, one faith, one Christ

No one is good enough, to save himself
Awake my soul tonight, to boast nothing else

I trust no other source or name, nowhere else can I hide
This grace gives me fear, and this grace draws me near
And all that it asks it provides

No seam in this garment, all my rags to hide
No less than your love, for Jesus is mine

When I stand on the edges of Jordan
With the saints and the angels beside
When my body is healed, and the glory revealed
Still I can boast only Christ

To boast nothing else
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I watched the sun rise over the Atlantic this morning, singing halting praises with my Boston family. God, thank you for filling that parking lot with worshippers. Thank you for giving us that massive ball of fire that warms us and rises each and every day. As sure as the sun rises, so faithful is Your love for us. Thank you for faithfully providing your Son who made the way for us through suffering and death...then resurrection. We celebrate in pure joy today for You are no longer in the grave--it is FINISHED!

Changes

2008-03-23T08:09:00.001-04:00

Since it's officially spring (but still stinking cold outside) and I changed the living room over to the spring-summer color motif, I thought I'd redecorate the blog too. Enjoy.

Madness

2008-03-21T15:24:00.004-04:00

I'm breaking my blog slackerness to say...

March Madness is one of my favorite times of year. The Western Kentucky-Drake OT game was just a thing of beauty. A three-pointer at the buzzer marking the end of OT was just perfect. It also helped that WKY is one of my Cinderella teams...

OK, back to the games!

New Life

2008-02-23T01:29:00.003-05:00

Since the last time I wrote, the Republican contest became no contest at all and Barack Obama rolled over Hillary Clinton in state after state. Whoda thunk it?

During that time, we also experienced Valentine's Day, where Stacey, Sarah, and I enjoyed sharing Snoopy valentines and peppermint patties with lovely patrons at our favorite watering hole. It got so slow in there later into the night that we numbered among the 15 faithful at the bar. It was fun, however, since the band played whatever we wanted to hear. We stayed later than ever, partly because it was enjoyable, and partly out of guilt over removing 20% of the pub's occupants at one time. A major blow. :)

ALSO...I drove to Buffalo for the first time in ages to be there while Gabby delivered her sweet little boy. I played helper for a few days to keep the house and dogs in decent order until she and Elijah Jacob made their way home. He came into the world at 20 inches & 8lbs 2oz at 6:36am on February 17th. I was sleeping then. Figures.

My godson is a rock star. Can't you tell already?

Vote

2008-02-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

I was voter #145 at the Beechwood Knoll School. Go vote.

The Battle is Real

2008-02-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

An evening out with a believing friend to read and study the Bible with a Guinness on the table was never meant to turn into anything more than that. But it has.

Over the last 3 weeks, a partner in ministry and I have been spending Thursday evenings at an unassuming Irish pub in the city. The energy of studying the Word in that place has been electric and that vibe seems to have primed the pump of some faith-focused conversations with "random" people. We are building a relationship with our waiter Zach, who only works at the place on Thursday nights. We are getting to know the great cover band that plays there as a regular gig--they want us to sing with them!

This past week, my friend met a girl at the retail store where she works, and they bonded over a shared area code from a former state. She just moved to Boston after Thanksgiving and doesn't really know many people yet. They began talking about faith and my friend invited her to come to study/hang/talk with us on Thursday at the usual locale. When my friend and I arrived there last night, Zach told us he received an email that day from a friend that he met at training for his day job. Apparently his friend's girlfriend was planning on meeting up with 2 girls at that very pub. It didn't take much of a leap to figure out that we were those girls. WOW! I was really floored by that 'coincidence'...God was confirming His call for us to be at this place.

The girl was never able to make it last night, but it was the first time my friend and I prayed outloud in the bar. We both had the sense that we needed to do that. I'm really glad that we had since a couple of things happened to show us that the enemy isn't really pleased about our mission. My friend went outside to chat with the aforementioned girl on the phone since it was too loud in there. She was accosted by some inebriated guys outside the place. Then, I got asked to dance (which also happened last week)...but this time it was different. I felt weird about it because the guy was an obviously big-money master of the universe. A devil dressed in a well-tailored suit, complete with initials embroidered on his sleeve. Definitely good looking and as it turned out, definitely married. I didn't realize this right away, but when I did I wanted to vomit. I couldn't wait for the song to end and to get the heck out of there. I was pretty shaken...enough to pray with my friend when we got to the T stop.

After I repeatedly called on the Lord for truth to overcome lies, I realized these direct attacks were not an accident. It's not a mistake that I never get a second glance from guys (especially when I am not giving a rip about my appearance) until we're in a place specifically to bring Light there. I am so much more aware now of the battle at hand...and that my friend and I need more prayer covering than we can provide on our own. There's something big beginning to shift that we just seemed to stumble over. Lord, provide us believers to be in faithful in interceding on our behalf every week on Thursday nights. It's just not an option to be without it anymore.

Placating the Rage

2008-01-22T22:18:00.000-05:00

Today was a really long day. I was up MUCH earlier than I've been in a while, didn't eat anything substantive until noon, had 3 times the amount of caffeine I usually ingest, and saw clients for 7 hours of direct service. I came home angry. I wanted to eat everything I really shouldn't have. Everything inside me was impatient and rebelling. I felt like a 4 year old with my self-focused crabbiness, attempting to control any little thing I could. I wanted to decide what we watched on tv, what lighting was on in the living room, where we sat on the couch, what we talked about. It was sick. I tried to placate it with comfort food and entertain it away with mindless tv. It's still here though, clenching my jaw and occupying my mind. I'm gripped.

I'm praying that the challenge of James 4:7-10 would be something I even have the strength to reach up and grab despite fear.

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

Beauty

2008-01-19T00:58:00.000-05:00

The snow that fell on Monday morning was just gorgeous. Big, fluffy white flakes that stuck to everything. They lay in piles on tops of tree limbs and telephone wires for at least a day after the storm was over. It was amazing to walk around in the winter wonderland during a blessed day off due to that snow. Davis Square was a picture postcard. It was the perfect time to see a movie, breathe in scripture and a book, and just sit to write. Lately, it seems like I have to get out of the house to do that properly. Home is just too distracting.

-------------------------

Tonight I had movie and dinner with a friend. After pulling into the driveway late, I stopped to notice the stars. To some, that's not a big deal, but I live in the city. Seeing stars requires a crystal-clear and cold night sky. It was there tonight. I couldn't see anywhere near the points of light that I once glimpsed lying in the dewy grass of my childhood, but they were there--still and quiet, alongside a moon reflecting the sun back at me with all its might.

Lift

2007-12-31T23:57:00.000-05:00

The ball just dropped. It's officially a brand-spanking new year. A whole new start. A palate cleanser. A breath of fresh air. I can't help but be hopeful while I sit in my living room, watching Boston fireworks and sipping a perfectly poured cosmo. As I just described it to a friend, a distinct and profound sense of hope is in my heart.

Thank you God for 2007. A year so full of ups and downs, but one where You were clearly present. People I love came in and out of my life in dramatic fashion. Vision birthed years ago was confirmed and cemented. Great broad hope for the future arrived even today. Thank you Lord for all of these past 365 days!

Can I take this serious moment to give a shout out to New Year's Day marathons? Holy crap! Classic Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi!!! The BEST show ever.

Pondering...

2007-12-04T22:38:00.001-05:00

I had a great conversation with my pastor yesterday, talking about my place/position in our little house church. We looked forward to the future and what that might look like for me. And he brought up something that seems smallish, but an idea that I started pondering a couple months ago--about moving into Boston proper. It's something I've wanted to do, but I love living where I do now. The very idea of moving makes me exhausted. I can't even clean my room at this point. God, I know that this is what you have for me in June, please don't let my comfort get in the way of Your working.

First Snow

2007-12-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

Our first major snow of the season was good enough to grant me a free half day since one of the districts I service closed. We got about 3 inches here, but more up to the north and west. It wasn't snowing at all by the time I got off to my 10am appointment, but a yucky mix of rain and sleet was falling. It just started snowing again about 30 minutes ago and it's just gorgeous. Big, puffy flakes that mean Christmas. I'm listening to Christmas music and just enjoying my afternoon, doing a little work, but mostly taking a moment to breathe. Thank you God for this unexpected, beautiful Sabbath rest that I needed. Thank you for providing for all my needs, even when I don't know or acknowledge them.

Take This Bread

2007-11-29T20:25:00.000-05:00

I just finished the book Take This Bread by Sara Miles last night. It has refreshed in me the idea of conversion as a process and our following of Christ as a journey. I don't think I yet have the words to describe this book's impact, despite my disagreement with some of the author's theology, but it's going to stay with me and hopefully motivate Godward change in my life.

Here's a taste from page 97 to challenge you:

"Conversion isn't, after all, a moment: It's a process, and it keeps happening, with cycles of acceptace and resistance, epiphany and doubt. As I struggled with bread and wine and belief over the following year at St Gregory's, it stayed hard. I began to understand why so many people chose to be 'born again' and follow strict rules that would tell them what to do, once and for all. It was tempting to rely on a formula--'accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior,' for example--that became itself a form of idolatry and kept you from experiencing God in your flesh, in the complicated flesh of others. It was tempting to proclain yourself 'saved' and go back to sleep.

The faith I was finding was jagged and more difficult. It wasn't about abstract theological debates: Does God exist? Are sin and salvation predestined? Or even about political/ideological ones: Is capital punishment a sin? Is there a scriptural foundation for accepting homosexuality?

It was about action. Taste and see, the Bible said, and I did. I was tasting a connection between communion and food--between my burgeoning religion and my real life. My first, questioning year at church ended with a question whose urgency would propel me into work I'd never imagined: Now that you've taken the bread, what are you going to do?"
---------------------------------------------
These beautiful and honest thoughts speak to the heart of how I'm beginning to envision Chrisitanity. We are not just a group of people who gather in a building once a week, listening, singing, and talking to one another. We cannot just walk out of that building thinking that time is the end of our spiritual work. That and striving to meet rule requirements is an adventure in mission the point.

My desire is to know Scripture more, teach it well, but never forget the passion of the often stumbling adventure as I journey alongside of Christ. There is wonderment here and a whole lot of uncertainty. Maybe all the time I've spent maligning my swings in faith from complete trust to barely hanging on was pointless because it's all a learning experience. Maybe remembering it's not about perfection is the biggest lesson so that I can truly be humble.

Woah God. You're blowing my mind.

Trips and Unexpected Interruptions

2007-11-28T12:37:00.000-05:00

Due to my lack of consistent wifi on my recent trip to Buffalo, the blogging has lagged. I caught a neighbor's signal for a little while last week, but it faded and I lost a whole rant. It was pretty scathing, so I think it's just as well lost in cyberspace.

Last week's trip back the hometown was rough on a lot of levels. I really don't have family there anymore, so I stayed with my best friend from high school. She's going through a huge life transition, as she just discovered her pregnancy (about 6 months in), is dealing with this alongside a boyfriend who is pretty supportive, but having to navigate sharing their house with her boyfriend's brother. Let's just say he's more than a little tough to get along with. My vacation wasn't much of a break after all--I think my working/ministry/school/friend juggling is more peaceful than staying in that unsettled household for a week. I loved on and prayed for them all the while, but it was still a struggle. BUT, it made me so, so thankful for all that exists for me here in Boston: work that pays way more than I need, a true fellowship of believers in community, a living situation that is pleasant to come home to, etc, etc. Flying in last Friday night was so very sweet. Everytime I see the skyline again my heart gets so full. Sometimes being here is difficult, but I have a passionate love for this city. Boston to me is like New York to Carrie Bradshaw, but for reasons much broader and deeper than hers.
__________________________________________________

One of my gracious readers made note that I never directly blogged about what happened at Cafe Rossini a few weeks back, so here's the scoop:

Stacey stayed over Saturday night and we decided to head over to Rossini for some good coffee and muffins before we had community cleanup Sunday afternoon. I'd been in the place a couple times before since it's just on the other side of the yoga place, about a block from my apartment. Stacey brought her bible & journal while I had most of the Sunday Globe with me.

The owner at Rossini is a soup nazi-type who barks orders at her help. She's been in there every time I've stopped in. We've chatted briefly before, but nothing more than pleasantries and to complement her baked goods. She seems to enjoy talking to all her customers and sometimes butting in on interesting conversations.

That's exactly what happened when Stacey and I were there. We both didn't pay much attention to our reading, but talked about the chapter in Acts I was going to teach that night, along with other issues of life as a believer, including how to deal with the sexual sin of those around us. We were starting to wind up our time and began reading an article about the misspending scandal at Oral Roberts University. I mentioned it to Stacey and the cafe owner jumped right in. She talked about the tragedy of all these preachers getting caught doing so many wrong things, her own experience with ministers that live a double life, her admiration for Billy Graham (her mom took her to some Crusades when she was a kid that she said deeply impacted her), how her brother who claims to be a believer hasn't spoken to her in 20 years, how she used to study the Bible, how her longtime friend ended their friendship due to her acceptance of her friend's gay son. It went on and on. A fountain of years of hurt and frustration with the church, both Catholic and Protestant, spouted from this woman in the span of 10 minutes. I was pretty dumbfounded, as was Stacey. We just let her keep talking. The vulnerability of such a hard-headed stranger was bizarre to me. Unfortuately, we had to go, but were able to end the conversation on a good note.

I vowed to become more of a regular, but I haven't. I can blame schedule chaos and vacation, but something else is in play. Knowing her would be hard. She's not on her knees begging for Christ. She's angry. She's hurt. I represent the church that has betrayed her. I doubt myself--how can I possibly be the light that shows her the truth of the Gospel beyond all the muddying created by human hands? That's a huge responsibility. But I know that's what He's calling me to do.

Just writing this out has reminded me about those moments and granted me clarity about Christ's mission for my week in Buffalo--He was teaching me about loving those with His love that I find are hard to love. Wow. Talk about a shift in perspective.

Susan, thanks for reminding me to write about this. You are the accountability I didn't even know I needed.

Undone

2007-11-13T09:42:00.000-05:00

I found an article on the Relevant Magazine site today that speaks directly to me about my calling and heart for people in Boston. Specifically, it clearly relates to my experience at Cafe Rossini on Sunday. May there be many more moments like that one.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was so much more I wanted to say to her, to ask her and to pray over her. My heart burned with compassion. But for some reason, it was left unsaid. In retrospect, I think God purposely caused me to leave things unsaid. Outreach, in its truest form, should leave many things undone in our hearts. It should leave us burning to give more, to say more, to pray more readily and more fervently. It should leave us desiring to be there every weekend or every day, not just once a month. It should leave us wanting to venture beyond the fences we have constructed and realizing that the only place for us is in the center of God's will.

I serve a God who breaks the rules every day, who invades our universe and pulls us close to Him, dancing on the wrong side of the fence. He's beckoning us to join in a wonderfully undignified, epic story, to add our culture and our stories to one another, and to join in the beautiful diversity of humanity.

All this simultaneously scares me and stirs me. I love it.

The Stories of Our Lives--Beginning of the Weekly Praise List

2007-11-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

For lauding myself as an observer and chronicler of life, I've been doing a pretty poor job of it lately. I was in a meeting today talking about sharing our God-stories. It reminded me that that is what I created this blog to be--a place where I can come and narrate the beautiful tapestry that God is weaving of my life. But I forget. A lot. I get too busy. I don't see His hand moving.

These last 2 weeks have been ridiculously tremendous. I've seen God pour blessing upon blessing over me through multiple opportunities to serve and minister. I've known what it really feels like to work inside your gifting. I've had a little taste of this before in Poland, volunteering at Passion, and sometimes with work. But this has been like pure adrenaline injected in my veins. In the midst of feeling unsure of how to proceed in a situation, I literally feel the presence of the Spirit within me, filling me with power, wisdom, and peace. This is an experience without words to truly match it. Taste and see...

Highlights of the week:
-Getting SO much work done in so little time
-Helping families recognize progress in their children and finding joy in that
-Praying with my church family
-Giving a presentation to parents
-Having my plans spoiled a bit; missing an opportunity, but being able to recognize it was missed
-Rocking out and worshiping with The Myriad, Phil Wickham, and Crowder with LOTS of others
-Meeting Stacey's friend from Starbucks who was also, in fact, my cyber-friend
-Picking out new glasses!
-Progressive dinner: meeting new friends and having 30 people at our apartment--crazy!
-Seeing in living color a local business-owner's desperate need for the healing love of Christ and my part in sharing that love
-Cleaning up trash on a blustery day with some awesome friends
-Getting to meet a guy with special needs who asked me a billion questions but wouldn't tell me his name
-Teaching the truth of the Word to a family room full of people
-Making Jon laugh
-giving Rob a hug after everything

I could seriously go on and on. This was just last Monday to Sunday. I need to keep doing this.

God is just so immeasurably good. Praise His Name!

The Glory of It All

2007-11-11T23:17:00.000-05:00

God is so good. He is a rescuer and restorer of souls. He is the only one who will never hurt us or disappoint. Father, thanks for being so obviously present in my day today. Thanks for using who you made me to be to touch hearts in some small way. Things will never be the same.

Red Sox Nation

2007-10-30T22:40:00.000-04:00

I've never been what could be considered a baseball fan. Despite attending AAA Buffalo Bisons games as a kid, I never really got into the sport. I thought it was pretty boring, to be honest. My dad never really watched baseball when I was young, from what I can remember. We were always an NFL football family, and that, with college basketball, was what we watched.

But then I moved to Boston for the second time. Somehow I caught the Red Sox bug, despite the fact that they seem to find a way to lose every time I step into Fenway (including Jacoby Ellsbury's major league debut against the Texas Rangers). I actually watched a few games this year and got into it during the playoffs. It helps having 2 roommates that are rabid fans.

So, here I sit on the day of the 2007 World Series victory parade watching Fever Pitch.

I love this town.

Oh Great God...

2007-10-14T23:33:00.000-04:00

He is truly the provider of all good things. Man, it just keeps coming. In the midst of my exhaustion, He decided to show up with a group of us picking up trash in our church's neighborhood. To many people, today might not have seemed like a big deal, but it was the beginnings of lightning striking ground like Piper talked about on Saturday morning. It was a beautiful thing that almost all of our students who were at Passion took part in serving today. God is good, and He's promised so much more.

More came tonight at church. It was the first time we gathered all together after the weekend at Baxter and Passion. The words of hope, confirmation, and mission spoken in that room tonight were thickly evident with the Holy Spirit's work. To just sit in there and hear all of those thoughts and stories was really humbling. My heart resonated so much with all of them that I was in tears most of the time. So, so beautiful.

I love this city and the students here so much. Today was clear evidence that we're all on-board with God's movement here. God, keep pressing us forward into becoming the people that You use to revolutionize this city. Keep us on our knees. Reveal Yourself in new ways through Your Word. Make us humble servants. Show us the hard decisions that must be made to live lives of those who passionately run after You.

There is none like You.

Hosanna!

2007-10-14T10:17:00.000-04:00

I've been in a blogging drought, but I have a feeling that's about to change.

From where I sit right now, my body is completely exhausted after 2-15 & 16 hour days of standing, running, talking, laughing, and crying at Passion:Boston. I've volunteered before, but this experience was nothing like I've experienced in the past. I'm still dumbfounded by and in awe of what very little I've begun to process through.

God showed up in my city. I don't think I ever doubted that He is here, but the last 2 days of seeing students from here lifting praise after praise....well, that just busted open my paradigm (again). Maybe I too have fallen into the lie that Boston is such a "hard" place--insinuating that it is outside the reach of God's hand. Maybe I'm more stuck on numbers and results that I knew. Maybe I need to really, truly, let go of my ideas about what God is doing here among students and just be a part of leading them out into it.

Things are much clearer today than they've been in SUCH a long time. I am absolutely, overwhelming grateful for the presence of God. He is the KING over this map of little green and red pins that represent the campuses of Boston & Cambridge. He's got a divine purpose for each one of those pins and all those students they represent.

This city on a hill is primed for a revolution through which millions of lives will be changed forever.

Save us now, for we need a rescue that isn't temporary, but the only cure for endlessly seeking souls.

Hosanna.

None But Jesus

2007-09-11T10:38:00.000-04:00

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know, that you are God
In the secret
Of your presence
There I am restored

When you call I won't refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise

In the chaos
In confusion, I know
You’re sovereign still
In the moment
Of my weakness
You give, me grace to do your will

So when you call I won’t delay
This my song, through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise

Let God Arise

2007-08-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow (aka today since I can't seem to get my butt to bed) is going to mark a milestone in my life....I'm leading a possibly large group of people in prayer. I've given presentations a million times and been on stage in dramas, but this is scary for me. I know that God has called me to preach to the prodigals, but this is the first time I've had the chance to put it into practice. I'm afraid of doing something wrong--somehow not honoring God as He deserves to be honored....but maybe that's the wrong focus. Maybe, just maybe, the act of humbling myself to get up there and chance that possibility of imperfection is how God wants to be honored. Maybe it's poetic justice that the prayer supports a lesson about getting in line with becoming who God desires to use for His glory.

Let God arise.

Download Festival 2007

2007-08-19T17:12:00.000-04:00

Bang Camaro (20 guys on stage)

Band of Horses

Lap steel goodness (check the video)

I'm going to bed...

2007-08-18T23:29:00.001-04:00

...but be prepared for another post tomorrow, regaling you with photos and videos from the Download Festival. It was nothing short of awesome.

Now I must ignore the neighbors being loud on their back porch (a downside of attempting to sleep on a city summer weekend night) and go to bed. I am completely freaking exhausted.

I Was A Church Drop-out

2007-08-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

Hi. My name is Jen and I was a church drop-out. (Everybody now: "Hi Jen.")

I never recognized this fact until today. I was on the tail end of a 2-day collegiate fall planning meeting and we were talking about a recent study concerning the reasons why people 18-22 drop out of church. In the middle of that data fest (that I truly enjoyed, I might add), I discovered that I once met the criteria to be defined as a church dropout. And here I am, now ministering through an institution I once eschewed. Is that ironic?

Once I got over the initial shock of it all, I began to press into processing the richness of what God might want to teach me in this. Some big questions rose to the surface: what differentiates the church from on-campus/parachurch ministries; do college students really desire to seek community from the church (is that a motivating factor for them to attend); and, essentially, what is church?

These are questions that will not be answered in a matter of minutes or days. There's a lot of prayer and reading that will be put into these first things. But seriously, isn't this something that must be done before moving forward? This is the beginnings of a philosophy of ministry.

Dang. That's scary.

To See Things as They Really Are -or- Life After a Raspberry Mojito

2007-07-27T23:53:00.000-04:00

Doing life with people is ramshackle and difficult. It's messy and confusing. But it can be beautiful, true, and God-in-flesh. It felt like this week was much more full of the former rather than the latter, but when I sit back and examine it, there were both huge highs and lows.

Some moments at work, dealing with a difficult parent and child, just tore me up emotionally. But sitting back on the other side of my week-ending, perfect raspberry mojito, I can see how God just screamed His glory through that situation, community caring for a member in need, my parent's visit, persistent prayers of a community, time with a friend, and a glimpse deeper into who He desires someone to be.

God, You are just SO big. I beg that You would allow me to see with Your eyes all those things that I disregard or wrongfully place in the column of negative experiences. Deepen my love for You and Your people.

Weary

2007-07-17T20:33:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those long days that started out with bizarre, frustrating traffic early in the morning and just kept going. I felt off-kilter all day long and really had to fight for focus on the right things. It was one of those battle days that leave you exhausted in body and spirit. God, I need a deep drink of You right now.

Freedom

2007-07-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

I had dinner with one of my roommates last night and she said something that I've been processing for the last 24 hours. She has some South Korean friends that believe that unity with North Korea will provide the best way for the gospel to move forward there. When pressed about the terms by which this unification would take place, even to the point of South Korea coming under the regime of Kim Jong-il and his policies, the Korean Christians were willing to give it all up for the sake of the cause of Christ.

My roommate and I sat and thought about the profundity of sacrifice that we perceive that to be. In America, where freedom is prized above all else, what has that freedom afforded us where Christianity is concerned? Has it made the gospel spread or has it lent itself to idleness, debauchery, and pressing farther away from God as a nation? Has the American Church become so diluted because of freedom? What does freedom mean in light of Philippians 2:1-11 for us and those Korean believers?

I know these are dangerous questions and ones to be pondered much longer than a day. Know that I'm coming from a perspective of a person who went to a very politically conservative Christian college, listens to talk radio, and usually votes Republican. Also know that I'm not quick to draw causation from isolated information.

All I know is I want to be more like Christ and who He sees me as. If that means rending all that I understand about what it means to be an American, then I must do it. I'm seeing more and more that viewing ourselves as a chosen nation is simply pompous.

Thankful Heart

2007-07-07T23:32:00.000-04:00

I just enjoyed a really good Saturday, full of a random trip to Nantasket beach and yummy dinner with girlfriends. It was a really good day of taking the scenic drive to Hull, giving a tour of the South Shore to a native of Martha's Vineyard. It was pretty sweet seeing the tide roll in to completely swallow up the beach we were once laying on. We had some fantastic ice cream which we ate while watching crazy people play in the chilly breaking waves. Then it was off to a homemade dinner in Mission Hill with some lovely ladies. We shared books, conversation, music, a few beers, and God made Himself known.

Thanks Michelle and Carissa. Thanks God, for answering that prayer.

FastLane

2007-07-06T22:58:00.000-04:00

You all know what I'm talking about...those "self-service" check-out kiosks that are now found everywhere from WalMart to Home Depot to the big grocery store chains. I really hate these things. I had a run-in with one just now that reminded me how annoyed I get with them. I won't even look at one at Home Depot since the thing will automatically start spurting out some error message once it detects my gaze.

Anyway, I had a weak moment at Shaw's tonight while picking up some yummy Dove ice cream (chocolate ganache!!) to nosh on while I listen to Joey's late night radio show. I just had the one thing, so you know, the self-service deal would be faster, right?

The answer is: No. First off, I waited for about 3-4 minutes for these women who were chatty Cathies to get through with their dueling purchases so another woman and I could use the adjacent machines. That was just a poor choice of venue on my part. Then it was my turn at checkout #14. I swipe my "rewards" card (aka you better use this or your groceries will cost twice the GDP of Nicaragua) and get some error about an 'unknown' item. I swipe it again. Same error. I figure I can ignore this and swipe the ice cream. Ice cream rings up ok. I press the button to finish. Swipe rewards card. It miraculously works this time. I get my debit card ready to go to make it all legal. THEN... You need assistance due to the 'unknown' item. Are there any employees manning the 6 self-service deals? No. Of course not. So I stand there, with red light blinking above said kiosk, frozen with debit card in hand, wondering if the ganache is worth this technological glitch. I stick it out, looking in vain for assistance. Finally a kindly elderly stocker sees some combination of my helpless expression and the blinking crimson orb and gets the attention of the "big shots" (his term). I fork over the funds (electronically, of course) and leave the store about 10 minutes later than I'd wanted to.

Moral: avoid the self-service line. Stop being an American for once and let someone else whom you already pay and who might know what they're doing take care of it for you.

Now, time for that Caramel Pecan Perfection....

The Pity Party is Over

2007-07-05T11:27:00.000-04:00

I have officially landed in bad-attitude land. I want nothing more today than to sit on my butt in my pjs and do NOTHING at all, except maybe watch Lost for hours on end. My head hurts, I'm exhausted, and I would rather not teach autistic children for 4 hours this afternoon. I want to sleep and complain. I want to be completely unproductive. I want to not do the several various paperworky tasks that I'm either behind on or just avoiding. ARGH.

I am so lame. Just by the mere fact that I'm complaining about this stuff shows just how lame I am. Millions of people around the world never get a day of not working (aka weekend), let alone national holidays, or even jobs that can support them without working 12 hours (or more) a day. Those people struggle to feed themselves while my friends and I sat noshing next to a river for most of yesterday without even a second thought.

Life is just not a bed of roses today, but sometimes I've just got to fight for joy--to see the glimmer of hope, redemption, and resurrection that's told in every story, in every moment. That's my mission in life as an ambassador for Christ. Maybe missions is just about being that watcher who translates moments of pain, or exhaustion, or darkness, into hope.

Today I need to translate for myself.

Heart and Home

2007-07-02T20:11:00.000-04:00

This was one of those nearly perfect weekends, filled with activity to the point of sweet exhaustion. I did more in the last three days than one can imagine, all the while renewing my love for a city that rarely fails to take my breath away. Renewing a passionate first love through the eyes of someone experiencing that love at first sight was pure breath into my lungs.

There's so many bits of this weekend that were God's hand at work, from the perfectly sunny nearly humidity-free 70s temperatures, to a 24-hr flight delay, to humbling mistakes, to missed Sox game shuttles, to late night conversations. I am thankful He was present here in every moment, even the ones that weren't "perfect" or holy. Those things were all knit together for our good and His glory.

God, thank you for people that love and surround me that respond to Your urging and voice. Thank you for opening a heart. Thank you for words You gave me to speak. Thank you for the humility You brought at the beginning to make those words possible. God, You are so good.

Cherish

2007-06-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

Waking up at 4:30am today reminds me how much I love sleep...and how much I miss when I do sleep. I forget how much of this city is up and around before 6am. I saw a 7 year old girl out on her Razor scooter at 6:30 this morning. But then, isn't there just as much activity at 1am, when I like to be awake?

Scrap of Paper

2007-06-15T12:48:00.000-04:00

Moving into a new place for me doesn't necessarily mean that I cleared out the old stuff sufficiently. That reality has been borne out by the 4 random cardboard boxes lurking in the corner of my room. Inhabiting those boxes are hair cut magazines, my old Florida license plate, many, many cable wires and extension cords, and other sundry items. My goal today is to clear all that stuff out, or at least fit the stuff that doesn't go anywhere into the smallest box.

In this organizational quest, I ran across something that I wrote nearly 2 years ago. Scribbled on a half sheet of paper, one half once carrying a Diet Coke coupon and the other side a printed out listing of Delta flights to Boston via Fort Walton Beach. This is old stuff. I clearly remember writing this poem as I sat on the steps of Park Street Church, at the crossroads of this pedestrian city. I remember the sounds, the people, and that I looked at Beacon Hill apartments that day. I wrote as I waited to be picked up by Stacey to have dinner with her, Anne, Doug, Shelley, Emily (and Pete) at Doug's place in Somerville.

About 3 lifetimes have passed since that day. I moved to Quincy. I was a big boss at the May Institute--then quit. Rebekah died. Brian and Kim moved to Tennessee, then Texas, then Alabama. Jess quit being friends with me. I moved to Somerville. My car's air conditioner quit working.

Through it all, the amazing and beautiful part is that what I wrote on this jagged scrap paper still remains true for me. So, for feng shui's sake, this poem is written here for myself and posterity. My prayer is that this is still my heartbeat in 2, 10, 25, 50 more years.

7/2/05

Small piece of paper
Asian girls stare
Church on Park St corner

Parents teach children about the
red Brick way of history amid honks,
bums, and a dancing Metallica reject

My city who needs Jesus, loves the Sox
more than Him

Holy one of Israel made famous
across the way one fall--
preached boldly everywhere 200 years ago

Lord, take it over

True believers long after you rather than
statusmoneysexdrugsalcoholfamepridelovefamilyhouses

The Barbarian Way

Abandon for worldly things replaces faith

Come Lord Jesus,
take over this place

Hear the bells and know the tune in your
hearts

A Quick Update

2007-06-04T14:01:00.000-04:00

Moving weekend is now over and I'm attempting to settle into my new environs as an official Somervillian. (LOL--villian). It was an interesting moving weekend that started on Thursday and just kept going. It was cool the first day but hot through Saturday. Needless to say, I was sweating A LOT. Who needs to work out when you can move in 80-plus degree humid weather?

All was well and pressing forward until yesterday afternoon when I was putting a storage unit into my closet. I'd put it together and was pushing it into place when I cut the side of my left hand on something embedded in the carpet. I immediately clasped the cut with my right hand...then I surveyed the damage. There was blood pooling all over my palm and I knew it was bad enough for an ER visit. Fortunately, I quickly located a cast off towel to apply pressure and absorb the blood. Two of my roommates were home and helped me to locate my purse so we could drive to the hospital that was around the corner. One hour and three sutures later, I was back home. So much for any more unpacking of heavy things...

Needless to say, it was an interesting weekend. I'm really liking living here so far. We did some roomie bonding Saturday night with a nice stroll to Davis Square to grab some ice cream at JP Licks. Also, there's a lot of people in this neighborhood that go to Hope Fellowship, so it's been cool to meet new friends already. This is a really good decision on so many fronts. My prayer continues to be that this move will open up new doors to ministry and freedom to serve that I didn't have before.

I'd like to write more, but my hand is killing me. ;)

Environment Makes a Difference

2007-05-15T13:41:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in a Panera Bread, sitting among the harried masses since this is the only free wi-fi in reasonable driving distance. I'm waiting out about 4 hours between a meeting and 2 client sessions since extra driving is out of the question considering gas is nearly $3/gallon. This old man nearby has been noshing on the free bread slices and keeps going back for cheap things like coffee. I think he's trying to justify his existence here, taking up a perfectly usable table for 4. As he pays his gas bill and reads the Globe, he surprises me by pullling out a Blackberry. I don't even have one of those...
_____________________________________________________
So I'm here, feeling bad that I'm taking up this space, but typing away nonetheless. I need to chill and sit here for a little while--I've still got over 2.5 hours to my home visit. Breathe. Relax. Let those shoulder muscles unwind. That's really hard to do in here with the frenetic pace, hyper Kenny G music, and business meetings occupying the neighboring tables. I think I had too much caffeine this morning.
_____________________________________________________
The sun is finally out. We were promised 80 degrees today and before I walked in here, it probably hadn't hit 65. It was rainy and dreary for longer than those sage weathermen promised. We'll see if that 80 thing happens.
_____________________________________________________
We had our last CCPC Monday event for the semester last night. We had a cookout with steak (yummy--thanks Pine Lake!) and potluck stuff at the Jones' to celebrate Karin's 7 years in ministry in Boston. She is ending her time as a campus minister at Northeastern to stay home with Baby Eric (he's due on June 10). It's a really exciting time for her, but bittersweet of course. I enjoyed hearing the stories of people who have known her far longer than I have.
_____________________________________________________
I've been getting mad at myself lately. I'm frustrated that the just God and me thing hasn't been "doing it" for me for a while. It now has to be: God, me, some dynamic speaker; God, me, good music; God, me, and a community of people in prayer. I know those aren't bad things, but I also know that my public worship shouldn't exceed my private worship. Maybe I need to carve out more space for Him. I'm so guilty of letting everything else crowd our time together, even in my thoughts. I truly have a divided mind that never stops running, figuring, and working. That can be an advantage, but not when God calls you to rest in Him. Gotta breathe.

Sometimes You Just Want to Pop

2007-05-04T23:01:00.000-04:00

Coming back home tonight made me realize I was on overload in Atlanta. It was good overload, but the engine was revving high without shifting.

The engine got in gear as we circled over the Harbor Islands as the plane approached its landing at Logan. Seeing the city gets me every time.

Rosana picked me up at the airport and it was great to talk to her. I finally was able to process things that I didn't even realize God was working out. I have a real feeling of moving forward in what I'm supposed to be doing in Boston. So here, for posterity (and my own accountability) is a list of what God is calling me to do until He tells me otherwise:

Take over planning community action/social justice projects in Mission Hill for Shawmut Springs
Work with the CCPC team in facilitating those types of projects all over Boston--with multiple church and parachurch ministry involvement
Work hard at my 'real' job this summer to make money to pay off the debt that's accrued from the last few months of low income
Cut hours a my 'real' job in the fall to accomodate seminary, Passion Boston prep work, & Shawmut/students
Raise monthly support for any financial shortfall
Become the guru of demographics for Boston colleges
Study REALLY hard

Wow...it's been so long since I've made a list like that or been so definitive. This is forward progress.

Since I'm exhausted, tomorrow I'm going to attack the action list for how I'm going to accomplish the above tasks.

Shallow Waters Breed Mosquitos

2007-05-04T00:36:00.000-04:00

I've been a sad excuse for a blogger these last several weeks. I learned/remembered that my writing must come from a place of depth. Honestly, it just hasn't been there...so I didn't write. God has this amazing way of jarring me out of my shallow pool. He wants me to write and propels me forward to do it. He simply requires me to remember who the prime mover of the operation is or it doesn't happen. A whole lot of writing happened today that wasn't about me in forms that are rusty and unmaintained. Some new and exciting things were birthed unexpectedly. I have no idea what's going to happen next, but I know this is God's deal and not mine. It was never mine. It will never be mine.

I'm going to bed tonight with more satisfaction than I've had in a long time, remembering that I have a creative God who is all about restoration and His glory.

Man, Rebekah, I'm so jealous that you're getting to party it up in heaven right now. One day. And I'm hoping to bring a lot of good friends with me.

We are Virginia Tech

2007-04-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

We Are Virginia Tech, by Nikki Giovanni

We are Virginia Tech
We are sad today
And we will be sad for quite a while
We are NOT moving on
We are embracing our mourning

We are Virginia Tech
We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry, and sad enough to know
We must laugh again

We are Virginia Tech
We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing to deserve it
But neither does the child in Africa, dying of AIDS
Neither do the Invisible Children, walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army
Neither does the baby elephant, watching his community be devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water
Neither does the Appalachian infant, killed in the middle of the night in his crib, in the home his father built with his own hands, being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized
No one deserves a tragedy

We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hand to those who offer their hearts and minds
We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid
We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be
We are alive to the imagination and the possibility we will continue to invent the future
Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness
We are the Hokies
We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail
WE ARE VIRGINIA TECH

All I Need

2007-04-14T00:28:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those long days that make me wonder why I voluntarily live my life as I do. I ran from place to place and hardly had a minute to feed myself. That wasn't the best way to go into the weekend. But I was able to rally despite having to ride the subway into Boston and dealing with crowds of people whose personal mission seemed to be to annoy me.

After Ang and I finally met up in Kenmore Square, we fought Red Sox Nation to get a bite to eat at McDonald's. This VERY late lunch helped to rescue my mood a bit. I'm glad we took the time to sit since we were about to stand up for the next 5 hours.

We followed the throngs in the general direction of Fenway, but we were not counting ourselves among those who were about to watch the Sox thrash the Angels 10-1. Instead, we got in line at Avalon (one of the big clubs on Lansdowne St next to Fenway), showed our IDs, got a lovely orange bracelet, and walked inside. I haven't been to Avalon since I last lived in Boston, during grad school. I recall that the last time I was there involved some post-party drinking with 2 guys my roommate and I met at said party. I was surprised I remembered so much about the interior of the place. Hilariously enough, the bathroom was perfectly familiar, but I could swear the place was much bigger than it appeared to me last night. Ahh, perceptions over time, and how they vary depending on the ingestion of substances...

Needless to say, I had mixed emotions about being back there. That place has directed connections to who I used to be. It was a long time ago, but not long enough that I've forgotten or that it couldn't happen again. But this time was about redeeming that place in my heart and solidifying who I am in Boston now.

Ang and I were there to see Mat Kearney, the headliner for the VH1 You Outta Know Tour (I know, cheesy). Mat is a Christian who doesn't sing songs that are overtly Christian. He's gotten pretty famous over the last year by virtue of several of his songs being featured on Grey's Anatomy. I got his CD in a Relevant Network kit last spring and immediately loved it--it's a mix of guitar pop, piano, and spoken word/rap. Good, creative stuff. He came to Boston last fall and I missed the show due to my own poor pre-planning. I jumped at the chance to see him this time.

The show was a triple bill headed off by Rocco deLuca and the Burden. They are more rock influenced than Mat Kearney, but I could dig the neo-steel guitar sound. I enjoyed their set, other than the guitar solo that hearkened to something memorialized in There's Something About Mary. Let's just say he was REALLY into that solo.

Next up was The Feeling, a band from the UK that I would best describe as Euro, emo-pants pop. I give them credit for the fantastic harmonizing, but the lead singer's posturing and dancing on stage was SOOO annoying. I gulped down my Sam Adams while those guys were on stage--I was hoping it would make it end. But the pain was only amplified by the addition of two female college students with voices that I can only describe as East Coast Valley Girl. Their conversations during the show were frequently hilarious due to their lack of content beyond:

Relative hotness of band members
Rating the current song ("awesome" and "so great" were used frequently)
Recent hookups and their fallout
Maligning the fact that Tom Petty was not playing there after one of his songs was played as walk-in music between sets. Um, you won't be getting Tom Petty tickets for $17, or seeing him in a small venue like that, but I digress...
"He looked at me! I know he was singing right to me!"

Unfortunately, the East Valley Girls stuck around even after The Feeling's set was over. Later on I felt guilty about being so annoyed by them since these are exactly the people I'm sent to show God's love. Chalk that up to learning experience #1 for the night.

Another random concert-goer that made Angela and I crack up numerous times was Drunk Zebra Lady. This poor woman apparently forgot that the 80's were best left there the first time around. That outfit would have looked disastrous on a 17 year old, let alone someone of her age. It's a shame I wasn't able to capture her dancing. Please enjoy her picture here:

With all that said, I was happy for Mat Kearney to step on stage. My feet and lower back were starting to show their age. Needless to say, his set was very well done, with a great mix of his guitar- and piano-based songs. He sang every song from his latest album, as well as two older songs, and a new one called "Black and White." As he explained, the latter song was written while he was in Istanbul.

I enjoyed the show, but wished he talked more about the songs and their origins. Before taking to the piano to play one of my favorites, "All I Need," he explained that it was written for some friends who lived through Katrina in New Orleans. I attempted to record the song, but my camera's memory card ran out of room. It was a beautiful rendition of the song, but it will just have to live in my memory rather than in my memory card.

Mat came out to sing the obligatory encore to the adoring Boston crowd. We were really into his music and he seemed to honestly appreciate it. He told us that this show was the largest they'd done on the tour so far. The final two songs were the most spiritual of the night. The first song of the encore included "hallelujah" in the lyrics and allusions to the crucifixion. I was worshiping in that moment, knowing that this place was as good as any to praise my King. The final song was one that is on Mat's album, but he added an extended freestyle rap. From the moment he started the flow, I could feel my chest tighten and my eyes tear. As he began to describe a T ride down Comm Ave on the green line, talking about all the colleges, and the students, I heard God speak through that. Mat kept repeating words about love, grace, and redemption, recalling Boston's spiritual and cultural history. He was speaking about those students to whom I'm called to be a minister. After the song was over, I just stood there attempting to take a moment to process this in the middle of the cheering crowd. It seems like God always shows up to encourage me at the instant I least expect Him.

This New House

2007-04-07T20:31:00.000-04:00

I went to see a new apartment this morning. The location is ideal. There's laundry in the unit. There's off-street parking. It's a 5 bedroom...that was not in the original plan. I thought it was just going to be Angela and I--a way to ease myself back into roommate life.

Today I got to spend more time with the prospective roommates and got a full tour of the place. It's huge. Large open spaces for entertaining. There's tons of storage space (big closets are a rarity here). The bedrooms somehow feel really private. And the rent is priced right.

Despite my best-laid plans, this may be my new home as of June 1. If the roommates stay as they are I will be the 'middle child' where age is concerned--2 older and 2 younger than me. It could be a powerful learning experience to live in that age spectrum.

I'm praying about this move and need discernment, but this feels like a wide open door.

On Holy Week

2007-04-06T20:35:00.000-04:00

"We celebrated Good Friday that night, a week late. It's a sad day, of loss and cruelty, and all you have to go on is faith that the light shines in the darkness, and nothing, not death, not disease, not even the government, can overcome it. I hate you can't prove the beliefs of my faith. If I were God, I'd have the answers at the end of the workbook, so you could check as you go along, to see if you're on the right track. But nooooooo. Darkness is context, and Easter's context: without it, you couldn't see the light. Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us" (Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, p. 274-5)

"Easter says that love is more powerful than the dark, bigger than cancer, bigger than airport security" (p. 268).

Oh yeah...

2007-04-02T23:23:00.001-04:00

I got into seminary as of the letter I received on Saturday.

God really needs to be on top of this whole money thing or I'm going to be in loans up to my eyeballs...

Soul's Renaissance

2007-04-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

It's been 2 weeks since I last posted. A lot has gone on that I don't care to discuss here, but suffice it to say, it's been the searing fire again. This time it came from an unexpected source, so the pain was multiplied. I had a week of being completely out of sorts, barely able to function at a minimum level. I literally felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I slept a lot.

This past Tuesday I felt something shift. I'm not sure what it was, but the weight was gone. The sun was out and I spent time outside with some lovely kids I was babysitting. We dug in the black earth, read about a million books, and soaked up the weak spring sun. It was heaven and just the balm my soul needed. I needed to experience the reality of springtime to finally let my heart listen to what my head's been saying.

The last two days have been close to perfection. I wore myself completely out doing cleanup at a Boston community center with some great friends from church alongside Northeastern students. We had so much fun and it didn't hurt that it was perfect weather to haul rocks and dirt, prune bushes, and bag leaves. After that, Joey came over and we concocted a delicious pizza creation for dinner. We were so tired that we didn't have the energy to watch the movie we planned on.

Today was a lazy day, topped off by a dinner of childhood favorites and decorating eggs. The food was great and dinner conversation centered on hilarious childhood experiences. It was so great. Then we all got creative with the egg dying...it was a blast from the past dipping those eggs. I can't remember the last time I did that.

Hope Among the Ashes

2007-03-18T22:47:00.000-04:00

I am so thankful for community right now. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be unabashedly broken among them so they can minister to me. This is why we don't walk with Him alone.

Debbie Downer

2007-03-18T08:16:00.000-04:00

This week with the mission team was quite wonderful but it's been tempered by personality conflict. How can you love a best friend so much yet sometimes feel like we're speaking two different languages? I know her weaknesses and propensities. But we clashed this week over scheduling and plans. There was a plan all ready made and very few reasons to change it, but changes happened despite my input. Then when I put my foot down about a few things (due to my local knowledge) that would potentially be really difficult to pull off, I felt the full force of anger. Last night she blew up at me for undermining her authority and I attempted to explain how I felt--no accusation, just feelings. And I got the wall that was there last year. Sometimes I feel like there's these unspoken expectations she has for me that I don't know about. When I don't meet them I get punished. I was trying to be so helpful this morning, but all I got was that same wall and no goodbye. I don't deal well with that at all.

Schizophrenia, Chaos, and the Sovereign Will of God

2007-03-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

This post will become longer eventually, but I'm fighting exhaustion, a cold, a headache, and snow-soaked pants. Suffice it to say this week has rocked. It was 70 degrees 2 days ago and now there's 8 inches of snow on the ground with freezing rain beating down. Crazy people keep talking to these students and random strangers overhear our fervent God-talk and crane their necks to soak up more. Some even talk to us. God is bigger than any attack of the enemy. This week has shown me thus.

Everything Old is New Again, Again

2007-03-14T23:01:00.001-04:00

am a ridiculous control freak. I thought I'd had that beaten out of me for the last time, but it became abundantly clear today that that's not the case. Having my beloved 625 square feet be the home base for 10 and sleeping quarters for 3 has been stressful. Being told that I could opt out of things with the team and then getting chastised for having to stick to the schedule as it was written (in order to go to work) was rough. It doesn't help that I haven't had adequate sleep or downtime. How is it that I used to spend next to zero time at home and wasn't bothered by it? The constantly changing schedule (around which that I've been attempting to plan my REAL life) is grating on me.

I'm glad I decided to park here tonight after getting home from work. The 50 minute drive that turned into a 100 minute traffic disaster on the way to work was what did me in. Right now I'm trying to ignore the explosion of blankets, clothes, and other stuff that is taking over my living room while having a glass of red wine and catching a new episode of my latest favorite tv design show. My lower back is slowly uncoiling. That's a really good thing but it doesn't solve any of the underlying problems.

Time Management 101

2007-03-11T10:27:00.000-04:00

This week is going to be a bear for me. I'm scheduled to the hilt for the first time since I left working for the May. I'm really afraid I'm going to crash and burn, so we'll see. Between corralling the mission team, working, being stressed out about my newest client's pain-in-the-assness, sleeping, and not being able to pay the bills, I may just freak out. Can I please be a good steward and delegator of my time for once??

Something Much Bigger Than Me

2007-03-04T16:03:00.000-05:00

There's a friend I've been ministering to here, knowing that God is intersecting our lives intentionally. We've become much closer lately and I've spent a lot of time listening. She is utterly broken right now--unemployed, having health problems, and desperate to have a husband and family.

She came home late last night from another disappointing attempt to connect with a group of women her age. She began talking just about the problems of that evening, but it turned into much more--a revealing of her deepest fears and truth of her current place in life. Sitting on those hard chairs in my dining room as she sobbed out her life's disappointments, I was close to being a deer in headlights. I'm not a stranger to hearing others' pain, but I've been able to speak Christ's hope freely over them because they knew Him. She doesn't know Him and I knew this wasn't a conversion moment.

I didn't speak very much until she started talking about working so hard to build a good life that includes a husband and a family. WORKING. It resounded in my head. I know that one...that was me, that IS me when I forget that God works on my behalf and for my best. Then she mentioned praying and how she can't set foot in a church without losing it emotionally. I poked around a bit about root causes. Somehow I said something about letting down pride and that maybe her reaction is to a palpable sense of God's love for her while she's in a church building. I cringed for the rebuttal, but received nothing. I knew He was speaking now. I was praying all while she spoke for God to show Himself. I told her that she didn't need to work to gain God. I think her jaw almost fell to the floor. I didn't have another statement or a qualifier--I was still perched in my uncomfortable chair at 2am, clinging to Christ for what to say or do.

A few minutes after that, the intensity was over and we were on safer, more mundane ground again. She gave me a fierce hug before going upstairs and asked me to say that part again about God. At the moment, I didn't remember what I had said, but she prompted me through it. I was still racing with the Father on every response.

It was difficult to be in front of someone so broken who doesn't know Christ. All those platitudes ingrained in me fell woefully short. I feel her pain but fear that I'm not empathetic enough to her situation. I cannot make things better for her. I cannot save her. I must remain desperate enough in this friendship to hang on to the Spirit for discernment and guidance for my every word.

Father, guard this house so that nothing but your love and truth reign here.

Why We Fight

2007-03-03T21:53:00.000-05:00

I've never been accused of being a bleeding-heart liberal or a conspiracy theory sympathizer. I proudly call alma mater one of the most politically conservative and patriotic colleges in the nation. My last locale was neighor to major Navy and Air Force bases. I have a lot of friends in the military and those who are military contractors. But as I get older and go deeper into the personhood of Christ, I become increasingly disillusioned about establishment anything. Military, government, industry, and their associated machinery can do positive things, but over and over again I am more saddened by the injustices of it all.

Tonight I watched a documentary called Why We Fight. It centers around Dwight D. Eisenhower's farewell address at the end of his presidency. He used that speech to warn the nation about the dangers of something called the military-industrial complex. This struck me because Eisenhower was a GENERAL. At any rate, the film took a more balanced and professional tack than Fahrenheit 9/11, but the final message was similar. It was very well done.

I struggle with this information frequently. Commercialism disgusts me more and more. War for any reason becomes increasingly disgusting. Isn't His Kingdom about peace? Shouldn't we support leaders who actually live out Christ's Kingdom rather than just pay Him lipservice?What does all this mean for me as a follower of Christ? How can I be a part of the solution?

Wake Up Dead Man

2007-02-26T18:21:00.000-05:00

For a friend...

Wake Up Dead Man by U2

Jesus, Jesus help me I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your Father, He made the world in seven
He's in charge of Heaven
Will you put in a word for me

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Listen to your words they'll tell you what to do
Listen over the rhythm that's confusing you
Listen to the reed in the saxophone
Listen over the hum in the radio
Listen over sounds of blades in rotation
Listen through the traffic and circulation
Listen as hope and peace try to rhyme
Listen over marching bands playing out their time

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Jesus, were you just around the corner?
Did you think to try and warn her?
Or are you working on something new?
If there's an order in all of this disorder
Is it like a tape recorder?
Can we rewind it just once more?

WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN

Finding the New Me

2007-02-24T00:10:00.000-05:00

I had an unexpected chance to hang out with college students from all over the city tonight. My plan was to do it next week, but God had something else in mind. I connected with them through my Passion07 divine appointment, and it was all Him. The part I enjoyed the most was chatting over coffee, tea, water, and pastries at ABP after the meeting was over. These students are fantastically interested and want so much to stretch their knowledge of God. The humbling moment was when they paid attention to absolutely everything I said. God, that better have been You talking, and not just me spouting some half-baked theology or life experience.

I think I'm taking my first baby steps into the fullness of this calling. Whoa nelly...

Parenting by Proxy

2007-02-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

I had my first 'bad' babysitting experience today. I was watching a 1 year old girl and a 5 year old boy in Brookline. The little girl was an absolute joy...she saved me from utter insanity. The boy, on the other hand, was a total brat. I don't often say that, but it's true. He's a result of what I see so often here--parenting by proxy. Kids in two-parent homes who rarely see their parents. Kids whose nannies raise them. This particular family has a Harvard law grad attorney for a mom and a doctor for a dad. They came home 30 minutes before the kids' bedtime, and judging from the daily journal that's a regular occurrence. If I'm ever blessed with children, I pray that they see me and their father more than any babysitter.

Melting

2007-02-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

It's been over 40 degrees the past 2 days and I'm enjoying it. Beth and I ventured out for our first walk since the great snow-then rain-then freeze on Valentine's Day. Today was the first day that the sidewalks have been passable in our neighborhood. We walked to CVS, wandered around in there for a while, and then to Coffee Break Cafe for lovely drinks and a introspective chat.

The day looks really good so far--I did Pilates this morning for the first time in months and then had the lovely afternoon with Beth. I'm off to install the new memory in my laptop, then head into the city with Rosana to enjoy music, pizza, and bowling with Shawmut Springs. I'm so glad I'm skipping AI tonight.

It Has Begun...

2007-02-20T21:12:00.000-05:00

American Idol Top 24 week is here. Two hours of guys tonight, 2 of girls tomorrow, 1 results show Thursday. That's a lot of dang tv for one show. I'm abandoning it tomorrow night, just to prove that I'm not 'that' girl. Tonight's performances so far have pretty much sucked, so skipping tomorrow may be the best redemption of the time.

Communion Wine and Green Couch Coffee

2007-02-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

Church last night welcomed a few visitors. That was great and refreshing. Growth in the midst of icy cold Boston. He is the gardener. We celebrated the Lord's Supper together and it brought tears. It's been a while since I last shared that meal with my Family. I can't pinpoint the reason for the tears, but they were full of gratefulness to the One who sacrificed so much to make a way for me to partake of that celebration. He is the provider.

Today I discovered a cozy hometown coffee place hidden away but within walking distance of my place. A friend from the Family met me there and we sipped our beverages over sharing God's work in our lives. It was a great couple of hours. I'm so glad to get to know her more. He is the architect.

Here's something I want my local Family and the global Family to remember:
"But there is another side to it, a side which shows all the signs of the wind and fire, of the bird brooding over the waters and bringing it to new life. For many, 'church' means just the opposite of that negative image. It's a place of welcome and laughter, of healing and hope, of friends and family and justice and new life. It's where the homeless drop in for a bowl of soup and the elderly stop by for a chat. It's where one group is working to help drug addicts and another is campaigning for global justice. It's where you'll find people learning to pray, coming to faith, struggling with temptation, finding new purpose, and getting in touch with a new power to carry that purpose out. It's where people bring their own small faith and discover, in getting together with others to worship the one true God, that the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts. No church is like this all the time. But a remarkable number of churches are partly like that for quite a lot of the time." (NT Wright, Simply Christian, p 123).

Oh the Glory of it All

2007-02-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

I have this Chinese fortune pinned to my Boston colleges map in the dining room. I don't know if that's sacreligious, but it's there. It says, "there are no ordinary days." I think that's appropriately pinned to that prayer map. There ARE no ordinary days when it comes to following God's purpose for your life. It's a matter of prayerfully asking to see life around you as He sees it. That will open up your eyes and explode your brain. I can only take small doses, but I want to be able to ingest more.

I was thinking about that fortune the last couple of days. I began today reading up a storm and figured this ordinary day would work out like this: Bible, book, newspaper, church, bed. That was just about right, but such a list doesn't contain an iota of the richness of each of those 'tasks.' I rounded up 1 Corinthians this morning, pondering how the resurrection flows into the believer working for Christ.

Then I finished off the book I started last night. I couldn't stop reading it. I didn't know what I was getting into when I opened it up last night at 10pm--I just knew I wanted to read it. This book affirmed everything that the Spirit has spoken to my heart in the last few months, complete with some of the same terminology and wording. I've been focusing (even perseverating) on the idea of good vs great (or best). Good things are the stuff we settle for when the great things seems too huge or impossible, but the great things are exactly the stuff God personally calls us to do. They are different for everyone, but those decisions require a great deal of faith. Batterson spoke directly to this issue on pg 106, "Good is often the enemy of great...Sometimes taking a calculated risk means giving up something that is good so you can experience something that is great. In a sense, sin is short-changing ourselves and short-changing God. It is settling for anything less than God's best. Faith is the exact opposite. Faith is renouncing lesser goods for something greater. And it always involves a calculated risk." Whoa. Settling is sin. Um, God, I think I'm getting the hint here...

The other section of the book that struck me was the chapter on the importance of looking foolish. Beth Moore spoke on that exact topic at Passion and it smacked this perfectionist between the eyes. In the beginning, we suck at stuff that requires practice. And sometimes God will call us to follow Him despite what logic and people will tell us (aka Noah and his big ol' boat in the desert). Here's what Batterson says about this: "The greatest breakthroughs, miracles, and turning points in Scripture can be traced back to someone who was willing to look foolish." There's something about conformity to 'proper' behavior that civilizes the little, creative, foolish child out of us. I was once the little girl who lifted up her dress during the children's sermon and danced around with all the Christmas bows flopping on her head--I don't do that stuff anymore. Christ was really on to something when He spoke about becoming like little children--there's the innocent, whole-hearted belief and also the part that is creatively nonconformist. Christ doesn't want us to sit in rows, dress just right, liking the same music, and saying all the right words. That's not who He was. That's not who He wants us to be. The beauty part is that He didn't just come to free us from sin, but He also came to free us from being those whitewashed identical tombs too. Conformity stifles living out our potential in Christ. We are already whole in Him, so why are we so focused on the gospel of sin management?

This is the most inspirational book I've read in a really long time. It was like a Passion conference packed into less than 200 pages. It was a warrior's treatise. It was exactly what I (and so many others I know) needed to hear right now. This is a pivotal moment of decision to continue on the path of doing something great. Not great like the world sees it or great in my own strength, but God doing something great in and through me. He's the author of this thing and I'm just here, straining to listen and respond with proper honor.

Oh the glory of it all...we will never be the same.

There's a First Time for Everything

2007-02-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

Today was the second day in a row of 10 hours of babysitting. It's been intense, but the funds are needed. Next week is more open than usual with it being school vacation week here, and I hope some moms will want a break. I'm looking forward to more work. I made almost $400 this week, but it was well-earned.

Today's 2nd job started off rough. I arrived early to affix the car seats to my back seat (something I've never done before) and was quickly successful with that (not rocket science). Then off I went to pick the 5 year old up from school. The directions the mom gave me were wrong at the very first turn, but I didn't realize this right away. (Note: I was not in a town of which I am very familiar.) So, thanks to my trusty atlas, I found my way to where I was supposed to be. I risked life and limb walking on the glazed, rutted sidewalks to the school. Then I couldn't find the girl. She wasn't anywhere. I called the mom to make sure I was at the right school. I was. And she started to freak out. Almost all the kids were gone and the girl was no where outside. I started for the school doors (which are locked, of course), hoping she was inside hiding from the stinging cold wind. No dice. Then finally a nice teacher let me in and knew where the child was. She came walking down the stairs with another teacher just as we were on our way up. The other teacher chastised me for being late (which I think was a pretty BS thing to do...she just wanted to get out of there to start her vacation at 2:30pm). Then the girl and I walked back to my car, again risking injury on the icy sidewalks.

We only had a short time to eat a snack before picking up her younger brother. The girl (she's 5 remember) kept giving me a hard time about being late. She told me I should be late to pick up her brother because I didn't get her on time. Lovely. We got on the road on time for the crazy, circuitous drive required by the odd urban planning here. We made it almost to the last turn when a huge piece of ice smashed into my windshield. I think it flew off a passing car. It was so loud that the sound reverberated in my ears and the adrenaline was pumping. I thought it smashed the windshield before I was able to inspect it. Not even a mark. I replaced that windshield several weeks ago--the old one with cracks probably would have shattered. I'm really glad now that I replaced it. Anyway, the odd part of it all was that the girl hardly reacted to the situation...but heck, if I asked her 2 times to do something, she would totally go off...

With both kids in hand, we finally arrived back at the ranch for fun, games, frozen pizza, nice and mean t-rex, and a stuffed monkey named Mogo. I'm ready for bed.

Iced Chocolate

2007-02-14T07:51:00.000-05:00

I slept like crap last night. I promise to never again drink coffee post 8pm. It cured my headache but left me tossing and turning well past 2am.

It didn't help that there was all this excitement about the 'blizzard.' It began snowing pretty hard before before I went to bed--lovely large flakes that caused a beautiful hush. I woke up for no reason around 7am, wanting to see what was happening outside, so I turned on the TV. Over 300 schools are closed but there's really no snow. Most of those are north and west of Boston, which means my evening client appointment is cancelled. That's fine with me as long as we make it up by the end of the month...Even though we don't have much snow, it's going to vacillate between snow, sleet, freezing rain, and rain all day long. Then it's going to get REALLY cold. Let's just say that I'm not going anywhere tonight or maybe tomorrow. Ice isn't fun to drive on.

My neighbors and I are going to see the new Drew Barrymore movie at lunchtime. I'm glad we decided to see it early in the day. Woo hoo, Valentine's Day. Snow, ice, stupid holiday. I'm out of chocolate, can you tell?

Breathe

2007-02-14T00:25:00.000-05:00

There's a lot of songs out there about breathing. Their forms are different, but the essence is all about waiting or reflecting. They tend to melancholy. Maybe a bit of sweet sentimentality. My life since September has been about breathing...breathing out lies about me...breathing in truth about God...breathing out cardboard expectations...breathing in God-wrought hope about my future life...Some of those breaths have been shallow sobs. Some have come with a mouth gaping, lungs rushing full. But in the end, it's all just breathing. In and out. In and out.

That simple, basic, life-defining process seems so much bigger when we pay attention to it. When we think about breathing it seems like it will stop if we cease ushering it into being. Then we get distracted by life and it somehow continues without a thought. But in that moment between awake and sleeping, we are all body and breath. Inhale exhale. Inhale exhale.

Breathing is the beginning of life.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Something Someone Else Said (part 3)

2007-02-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

This is an amazing little reflection on Old Testament and New Testament law and what it means for us today. I didn't write it, but I wish I did!
__________________________________________________
When the bible talks about “the Law” it is talking about the book of Leviticus. It is the book that the priests and the Jewish nation used as their sounding board to align themselves with God’s will. The words that the priests took literally…come from Leviticus.

Leviticus 15:19-33

When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean…When a woman has a discharge of blood for many days at a time other than her monthly period or has a discharge that continues beyond her period, she will be unclean as long as she has the discharge, just as in the days of her period.

So anything that comes in contact with her becomes unclean just as she is, she is almost contagious in a way.

Leviticus 20:18

If a man has sexual relations with a woman during her monthly period, he has exposed the source of her flow, and she has also uncovered it. Both of them are to be cut off from their people.

So she can have no physical contact, if someone touches her – they are unclean also.

Leviticus 12

1 A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. 3 On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. 4 Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over

So Jewish law says that whether a woman has just given birth, or who is having her period she is unclean – she can’t go to church, she cant have sex, she can’t even be approached!

What happens to laws like this when people begin to take the bible/the law to its extreme literal sense? How does your husband treat you? Your family? Your church? Your community?

Matthew 9

18 A synagogue leader came and knelt before Jesus and said, "My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live." 19 Jesus got up and went with him, and so did his disciples.

A Jewish priest is asking a Jewish teacher to touch a dead body, why? Because the rumors and the talk around town says Jesus is different. The cost of disobeying the Law is willing to be cast aside for the belief that he could have his daughter back.

20 Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. 21 She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."

22 Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

I read this story, and I think to myself that it probably took as long for this to happen as it did for me to read it. I don’t picture this event taking place for very long. It’s a brief encounter, it’s a story within a second story – the story goes on….

23 When Jesus entered the synagogue leader's house and saw the noisy crowd and people playing pipes, 24 he said, "Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep." But they laughed at him. 25 After the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up. 26 News of this spread through that entire region.

And I am sure that all this day, people were talking about the fact that Jesus raised a little girl back to life. What a story! What an event! But I want to go back to the woman who was bleeding. What about her?

The scriptures say that she was subject to bleeding for 12 years. (She could have had uterine cancer or a Cyst) And we don’t even know how old she is, she could have been as young as 25. And for someone who is not allowed to be around other people – she could have spent half of her life... alone.

Either way, she has spent 12 years away from people, she has spent 12 years of her life without the touch of another person, and she has spent 12 years not going to church. She has been in prison inside of herself. And then in an act of desperation – she pushes through a crowd – touches Jesus and is immediately freed. SHE RISKS also, if this does not work, she is an unclean person who has touched a Jewish teacher.

And now her whole life has changed. Her life today is completely different than her life was yesterday. The woman she has been for 12 years is gone and she has been resurrected from her own personal death. In fact, this story is a resurrection story within a resurrection story. Both of these women have been set free and been given new life by the encounter they have had with Jesus.

I love this story.

I love this story because it’s my story.

I wonder if it’s your story.

I am an outcast within my own mind. I look around at people who seem to have their lives together and I think to myself, ‘if they only knew what kind of a sinner I am.’

‘If they only knew the kinds of things that I have done, and thought and said…’

Or even more close to home, just knowing what it is like to be an outsider. Someone who has never been considered ‘cool.’ I am someone who always compares myself to other people wondering…

Well maybe I should dress like that
Maybe I should do my hair like that
Maybe more people would like me if I were more serious, or more funny….

I know what its like to not be invited in.

I know how it feels to be left outside.

And for 12 years of her life, this woman is cast away; living on the fringes of society, figuring out how to get by and how to live and how to make money. Until one day she can not stand it anymore and she reaches out in desperation to Jesus.

And then in an instant - she is born again…she is given a second chance; a new life…from this day on everything would be different.

For someone like me who has been a Christian for a long time, what is it going to take for me to reach out to Christ again? What is going to create that desperate feeling within me that brings me back to God?

How is this story of the woman relevant to me?

Have you ever taken a foreign language class?

When I was in Greek class, I did ok, but I only came to class and read the book, the teacher told us that if we were having trouble, we should talk to the T.A. I never did, and I did ok, but I never had that “a-ha” moment, that I probably could have got if I had allowed someone to sit down with me one on one.

Greek was ‘greek’ in class – but once I left the class I was just back to being myself. And now it has been a year since I had the class and Greek is getting harder and harder to read. I never made Greek a part of my life, so now I feel further from it.

But let’ say you took Spanish or French in High School and then one day you take a vacation to a foreign country and you find yourself unable to communicate, you can’t get around, you can’t find anything and you beating yourself up because that language has lost its relevance for you, but now…now you need it.

And this happens because you did not keep that language a part of your life, it has become a memory and now when you need it, it is harder to find.

And I wonder if the bible or church becomes a foreign language class to us. The lessons and the readings never really penetrate us until we need them. The words of Jesus never transform us until we in desperation reach out for them.

Maybe it’s the difference between your favorite song and the song on the radio. Maybe you know the words to “How to save a life” by the Fray, but it’s not because you love the Fray, or because you love that song, it’s just because it’s on the radio so much.

And once that song is gone and its replaced by the latest Justin Timberlake song you’ll have forgotten it and it will not have any further relevance to you.

But at the same time you have a favorite song, that every time you hear it, you stop and sing it, or it brings up memories or feelings, the song to you is more than a tune – it’s part of who you are.

Maybe that’s what I am asking….Is Christ part of who you are?

Is it how you define yourself? Or is he just the song on the radio…?

Is church just the repeating noise that you end up memorizing because its there.

Or do you need this place? Or do you reach out for this time?

How do we make Christ our favorite song?

How does our faith become the answer that heals us and makes us whole again?

I don’t know.

The woman doesn’t come to Jesus until she needs him.

I don’t feel the need to learn Spanish until I go to Mexico.

Maybe I need more times of crisis in my life.

Maybe I make my life so loud and so ‘perfect’ that I think that I don't need Jesus.

I’m hungry, I buy Taco Bell
I’m lonely, I go to a party
I’m bored, I go drinking

I am so good at making my own environment, my own entertainment; I can take care of all of my own needs.

This woman reaches out to Jesus because she comes to the point in her life where she realizes…there is no one else. There is no place else. This is it. I can’t do it on my own.

The world would have you believe that you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make yourself anything that you want to be.

If you have to ask for help – then you’re a failure.

The world says that it does not need a savior.

Acts 4:12

12 Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name given under heaven by which we must be saved."

I don’t want it to take a crisis in my life for me to realize I need Jesus.

I want Christ to be relevant in my life

Because I need healing and wholeness

I need to be raised from the dead

I need saving

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

2007-02-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

Writing is becoming more difficult lately. So why is it that I woke up today wanting to write a book--something to explain life and woven tightly with love, loss, redemption, and hope. But yet I sat staring at a blinking blogger cursor unsure of how to begin a simple post. Well, maybe it will come. Maybe I need to use all this time to write the starts and stops down. I wish I was a better chronicler of the moment.

I read in lieu of cleaning of my apartment this morning. This book is a beautiful and awful and compelling work of fiction. After two hours in the Manhattan world of Oskar Schnell, I had to get out of bed. I don't think I would've put it down save for the constant dripping of my broken toilet approaching the critical mass of Chinese water torture.

Well, I'm off to wrangle massive amounts of recycling, shop for milk, and train some therapists. The whole time I'll just be wishing I was listening to The Shins and reading. I'll save that for tomorrow morning.

Loose Ends

2007-02-07T00:03:00.000-05:00

It's been a weird week since I last blogged. I had intense conversations about God's vision for my life here in Boston. I went to a random (but interesting) midnight documentary at a fantastic theater that's the second oldest one in the country. Then I had a crappy day with my new client's dad, then I tried to quit and he convinced me to stay on. Like I said, weird.

At least I'm being productive today. I worked for about 5 hours on client stuff, which is the most I've worked at one time in months. Now tomorrow the plan is to clean, do laundry, and run errands if I don't get a babysitting job. So auspicious, I know, but it's my life.

I will blog eventually about the emerging vision for Boston, but for now it feels too new and too early. I don't know if I'm ready for this to be under broad public scrutiny. It's just way too vague right to make any kind of sense in written form. But, for you praying people out there, pray for clarity and discernment for me during this time. I'm thankful for every time you remember me in that way.

Runaways and Tattle-Tales

2007-01-30T23:41:00.000-05:00

I was minding my own business tonight, just watching tv when I heard this noise. It sounded like a car speeding down my street and going too quickly over a bump. This happens sometimes, so I ignored it. Then Beth came home an hour and a half later. She knocked on my door, telling me to look outside. Well, that sound I heard was actually an SUV that drove straight through a chain link fence and into a car parked in the driveway at the end of our street. I have no idea how this happened, but it was interesting to watch the fire department try to free the SUV from the fence. I don't think anyone was hurt, which is good. But still not something you see every day in a quiet residential neighborhood!

In other neighborhood news...we tattled. We, the fed up tenants, told on the landlord. Last night, Beth and I re-read over some MA housing codes and determined how much she is out of line. So, today she called the Quincy housing inspection department and the inspector was here in less than half an hour. He found 9 violations with just the common areas and Beth's place. There's more if you add in my broken windows, leaky toilet, and a few others we thought of later. If she doesn't fix everything within 14 days the city will take her to court to force her to fix it all. It's nice to have the government on your side once in a while--I guess it's why I pay all those taxes.

Waking Life

2007-01-29T13:30:00.000-05:00

I had this bizarre dream last night that all the apartments in our house were robbed and I caught the bumbling, stupid criminal. I caught the dude red-handed and put him in a one person wrap while screaming for Beth to call the cops. It was a really odd dream, but empowering at the same time.

My dreams have been quite vivid and odd lately. I pay attention when they're like that. I know God speaks through dreams--I just need the discernment to know what part is my crackheaded imagination, what part is my overanalysis, and what's Him. It makes me perk up when I've had several in a week that are so clearly remembered when they usually don't make it past those first few waking moments. Especially when they concern things God's spoken to me over the last several years. I need more than a clear memory of these things--I need the ability to separate the wheat from chaff.

Warp Speed

2007-01-28T17:39:00.000-05:00

Caffeine + playing with 4 year olds + teaching an autistic 17 year old + maintaining a conversation with his dad = A brain that won't stop

Like my equation? That was my day today and it's driving me crazy that I can't chill out. Lord, please let me relax!

The Beauty of Random Thoughts

2007-01-26T23:32:00.000-05:00

Is it weird to eat cereal for dinner at 11:30pm?

My new boiler has a nifty digital thermostat that came with it. I programmed every day of the week on it already. So, why does 68 degrees on the digital feel like 64 on the old analog version? I guess I wasn't really as hardy as I thought I was...

I spent money on clothes for the first time today since the beginning of November. That's really a record for me. Look at what a little financial strife and fear of credit card debt can do to a shopaholic! I spent less than $100 and got some good deals on several items. The cache included 2 pairs of jeans, which are needed since jeans are now my uniform. They get a lot of wear and more jeans means more time between the quarter-fest called laundry.

Does anyone else have trouble finding marshmallows at the grocery store? I wandered all over and eventually had to ask a clerk. I hate asking stupid questions to get junk food to make junk food. They live on a low shelf near the nuts in the baking aisle. They died in Rice Krispy Treats. Rice Krispy Treats that are somehow WAY too crispy. How did I mess that up??

I went to a comedy club for the first time last Saturday night. It was an improv place that's very small and the audience sits all around the stage. I had a great time and really want to go back. I'd like to say it's just for the comedy, but there's a hot guy in the show (hot + funny + smart = perfectly crushworthy) that I wouldn't mind seeing again. The place has a Myspace site that links to the comedians. He likes the stuff I like when it comes to movies, music, & some books. I stopped short of being a stalker by not friending him. At least I have some restraint.

The new boiler has made the radiators in my apartment loud. They made noise before, but not like this. Now I get full-on BANG knocking. It actually woke me up from at deep sleep at 3am. That is some feat. And yeah, it's really cold here. Like monumentally cold. So the loud radiators are here to stay. But at least I have heat!

Things I'm thankful for today:
-Heat
-A free Amazon Prime trial
-Being done with stuff for my new client
-Reading
-Kids at the temple
-Bread & Nutella
-Quarters from customer service at the grocery store
-Old Navy jeans that are long enough
-Random phone conversations
-Hanging out with Joey & Courtney tommorrow (I know that's cheating)

Hulking Corpses

2007-01-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

Those of you who live in cold weather climates will empathize with me on this one...especially those of you who rent.

To begin with, my landlord and I don't have a great relationship, due to the fact that she has some slightly altered mental status (aka accusing me of weird stuff and drawing bizarre conclusions about situations), but this status doesn't touch me when I don't have to call her. Therefore, I only call her when I REALLY have to. Like when I have no heat and it's 20 degrees outside (before factoring in the windchill). The first call about heat was last year in February. What that blog didn't reveal was the landlord accusing me of causing the short in the safety by moving a radiator (that was supposedly leaking onto this 'safety' mechanism) so I could paint my kitchen without permission. Unfortunately said radiator is at least 15 feet from the spot above which the boiler resides and I also didn't move it while painting without permission. That repair reportedly cost $800 and included the installation of a self-filling mechanism, which meant I didn't have to bust around in the basement at least once a week with a flashlight, attempting to add water to a hunk of metal, acquiring the 'perfect' water level in a test tube-like vial. It worked fine. Until Saturday--just when I was about to get in the shower to head out for a fun evening.

I hadn't had to add water to the unit for months. Granted it's been a pretty mild winter so far, and I have the thermostat set to a very conservative 64 degrees, but it has been working fine. (I had it working warmer while my parents were here for Christmas since they are so thin-skinned now.) Over that time, I've occasionally been suspicious of the water deal, so I've checked it. It was ALWAYS just right. Until I smelled 'the smell' that last February drove me to call 911 and the gas company. It was not as obviously nauseating this time, but faintly wafting from the basement, through my back door as I walked past it. So, down to the bowels I went, flashlight in hand, to rescue some other poor tenant whose boiler was meeting the same fate as mine a year ago. But ah no, it was mine again. The metal on the unit was orange-hot in some places and I ran upstairs to turn the heat off. Crap. What the heck happened?? So I had to get ready--the birthday girl needed to get to her surprise party and she was in my possession. My plan was to let the unit cool off overnight, add water in the AM, start her up and see what happened. Then call the landlord.

That plan worked all day Sunday. It was lovely and warm while I poured over the Boston Globe and worked the crossword. Then I came home from church about 11pm. It was 58 degrees in the apartment. A trip to the dungeon showed no conclusive evidence--water was in there, unit was on, but nothing was happening. What the hay? So I had to call, but not until the next day.

A neighbor (Beth) and I go walking frequently and she called me Monday AM to go. It was cold so we trotted off to a local mall (yes, we ARE getting old) to windowshop and powerwalk. That's when I realized I didn't have the landlord's number in my new phone. I guess it was some sort of Freudian omission when I transferred numbers. So I had to ask Beth for it. We both REALLY hate calling her, but she agreed the heat thing was a big deal.

I finally took the plunge at 12:30, freezing at my laptop, praying she would be pleasant. Surprisingly, she was. She thought it was just the pilot that went out (that being an easy fix) and I hoped that it was. I begrudgingly also told her about my toilet that had been leaking (omitting that I noticed the leak about 2 weeks before Christmas). Better to do this all at once to limit contact.

So, the heating repair guys were called and they arrived after I left for a meeting in Boston. My spy (Beth) talked to the repairman (before the landlord arrived) while he examined the cold medusa and got the inside scoop--the unit was over 20 years old, had needed repair for a while, and now needed to be replaced. $5000-$6000 replacement cost. Dang. I hadn't heard any update from the landlord at all, so I wondered if there would be heat on my arrival home.

And there was. Some minor fixing at least got the aging beast going, but it was belching out steam that should be going into the pipes and into my radiators. (I don't even want to think about my gas bill this month.) No word of update still, until 6:57 yesterday morning. Yes, you read that right--the landlord called ME before 7am and woke me up to say the whole unit needed replacing and I needed to check the water level on it and call her back. I turn down the temp to 60 (or less) overnight since I have a heating fan in the bedroom that is lovely. So, I didn't think the water level would be a problem. But, no again, the thing was glowing orange with no water. I turned off the thermostat again, and called the landlord on the way to my AM appointment. She was in her crazy mode. I tried to explain that adding water to superhot metal like that could make it explode and by turning down the thermostat all the way that it would quit heating. But no, she didn't understand this and kept going on about how I was going to burn her house down and that the boiler is like an empty kettle on the stove...(despite the fact that I turned off the 'stove') So she was coming over to keep harm from coming to the house.

Well, Beth the spy said she was only around for maybe 20 minutes, cleaned the snow off the sidewalk, and left. When I finally got back home at 7:30pm, it was 55 degrees in the house. Near my back door lay an opened box that contained a ceramic radiator (something expressly forbidden in the lease) with no explanation. And my back door was left unlocked. Argh. (She technically never asked permission to come into my apartment, so technically she was breaking and entering.) The radiator doesn't really work at all, by the way, unless you have it on high and sit within 4 feet of it. I huddled in the living room with it for a few hours and gave up about 10:30 for my much better $15 heating fan in the bedroom.

So, faithfully, she called at 7:30am this morning. I didn't take the call. She called again and left a message. She texted me. I finally listened to the message after she banged on my back door at 9am, waking me up. She and the heating crew were there for the installation. She asked about the car in the driveway (Beth's) and said that it needed to move. She went upstairs and banged on Beth's door. She didn't answer. Then Beth called me.

Part of our heating issue is the tragic thinness of walls (and floors) that were constructed in 1930. We are all trading convenience for character here. Therefore, I heard the entire content of the landlord's droning phone conversation to someone (her husband?) that wasn't very nice in referring to me or Beth. She cast aspersions every which way about us. So, Beth and I whispered (literally) a plan for me to retrieve her keys via the front stairs and then move her car. This is what we did to allow for the heating company truck to get closer to the house.

So, 2 relatively attractive men are in the basement sawing, drilling, dragging, banging, and shaking my house. The new boiler will be installed by the end of today, which will be wonderful. But that doesn't fix the leaking toilet...Or the fact that all her tenants desire to avoid this woman to the extent that we will feign sleep or lie. Man, that is so not who I want to be.

That Beautiful Snow is Falling

2007-01-22T23:38:00.000-05:00

I've been a blogging slacker this week. Some profound stuff has happened but in a way I'm not ready to make it for public consumption. God is moving in ways I can't understand or even describe. Some crazy stuff is starting to shift that I never would have predicted. He truly is a creative Father.

This past week was about:
-unity
-unexpected provision
-experiencing something new
-humility
-availability

Those are all beautiful things woven by God's handiwork in obvious and discreet ways. Life is such a tapestry.

Time to go watch that snow.

Fighting for Joy, Books, and Cold

2007-01-18T00:08:00.000-05:00

I'm not saying I'm back in 'the funk' (aka depression) again, but I'm feeling Satan's attacks where finances are concerned. My paycheck is over 2 weeks late and I've got enough money to make it through, but not enough to make rent on Feb 1st if the check doesn't come. I was fixated on that issue in my prayer time today. I recognized the complaining and literally had to ball up my fists and speak out forceful thankfulness about all that I do have. That's the only tonic I've found to combat the enemy when he gets into my head about money issues. It was hard and tearful this morning, but I HAVE to fight for joy or I'll be distracted from this mission that God alone is propelling. I'm soaking up Acts lately and I think it's appropriate for the battle.

My Relevant Network box came today. I was stoked to see it and overwhelmed at the same time. Inside were 4 books, a Catalyst groupzine (aka macdaddy giant magazine of thought-provoking essays), Relevant mags from Nov/Dec & Jan/Feb, Radiant winter issue, and 5 new CDs. That's a lot to consume. I feel slightly stressed out by it all. Like I told a friend tonight, I need the information so bad I want to literally bathe in the materials to let it all soak in. I have never wanted to learn so badly in my life. I think it's coming from a heart of inadequacy and wanting to see a million angles on an issue before a path is stuck. Not that I'm trying to figure out anything ministerial in particular at the moment other than ways to connect with seekers on the campuses in Boston (especially Northeastern). (This is in addition to the apologetic 'problem of suffering'--we have the problem of finding legit reasons to walk on that campus without getting kicked out.)

Um, it was colder than parts of witches today. Cold enough that my radiators kept kicking on far more frequently than I'm used to. And I'm only trying to maintain 64 degrees in my apartment. The gas bill this month is going to suck...

Now that I read this over, the tone is pessimistic and I didn't mean for it to be. I'm just overwhelmed. Tonight I was listening to Jason Morant's song Hosanna on my way to see a client. It's painfully beautiful and a perfect accompaniment to the rising of the bright evening star, positioning itself right above the line between the waning orange of day and burgeoning deep blue of night. It brought tears of worship to my eyes. I'm thankful that I'm longing so much for heaven.

Service with a Smile

2007-01-16T21:52:00.000-05:00

I wanted to sleep in on MLK Day, just like I sleep in 90% of the time. But by some desire not of my flesh I woke up at 7, got on the T, and walked in the soaking, cold rain to Northeastern. Once inside I was greeted by friends from Shawmut Springs Church and the NU Christian Student Union.

We met in Curry Student Center with a couple hundred NU students to participate in NU's annual MLK Service Day. I'm an NU alum and I really love that they place so much emphasis on community involvement.

Anyway, after a nice catered Au Bon Pain breakfast, we were off to Spontaneous Celebrations. SC is a community agency in the Jamaica Plain neighborhood that specializes in creative arts and creating hope in that neighborhood. It's a pretty neat place.

We all jumped on the Orange Line and were able to begin to chat with a few students along the way. Of the 25 of us there, almost all the students were part of the Resident Student Association and were really fun people to work with. In the midst of priming, painting, hauling junk out of the basement, breathing in dust, touching mold, cleaning, and weatherstripping windows, we really had fun. The RSA was a great group of energetic, outgoing, humorous students to volunteer with. I would willingly carry moldy pallets to a dumpster with them any day. Even if I had to get up at 7am.

Pure Joy

2007-01-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:2-4, ESV

Trial as joy...now that's what I call self-actualized behavior. I see it in the persecuted church all over the world and it's not matyrdom. It's joy in trials. It's recognizing that those trials are a means for identifying with the suffering of Christ as well as a transforming experience for one's own spirit.

It seems like we should all-out ask for trials. But we don't. We love the comfortable status quo of the American Dream. It's a scary thing to pray for refining because we don't know what that could mean. We could lose all the things that we hoard in this life. We could lose people we love.

So here are my personal questions: do I love God enough to ask for trials? Can I willingly let go of any perceived control over my life to let God use me fully? Do I trust that He will? Am I afraid of a disappointing result or one that is so far beyond me that I'm doomed to fleshly failure?

Here is what I know: God is who He says He is and He will do what He says He will do. I am who He says I am.

My brain knows the answers to all those questions, but I'm praying for my heart and life to catch up.

Pure joy.

The Revolution

2007-01-11T00:00:00.001-05:00

I walked away from Passion07 with the abiding feeling that an ocean of change is coming. I've never been so convinced that revival and revolution are coming to this generation. I'm blown away. It's truly exciting to see how sharing about Passion is igniting and recharging people here who didn't have the opportunity to go. It has to be God because I don't think I'm convincing enough to speak for 5 minutes and touch hearts.

The capper of it all came today with Louie's posting on the latest numbers from the Passion Do Something Now campaign. I have to say I'm floored. Please read what God has done with 24,000 college students who are willing to let go of personal comfort for the betterment of others. It is a beautiful thing. My prayer is that many, many others will catch the kingdom vision that was cast in Atlanta. That the world may know us by our love...

Listening

2007-01-05T14:17:00.000-05:00

We need to become desperate to serve those in this world who are hurting, hopeless, and broken. Fall facedown and beg God to use your life to love those people. Throw off a conventional life and love unflinchingly with the love of Christ. Be bold. Say no to consumerism. Live simply. Give all. Let God wreck your vision for your life for something that will simply throw you to the ground that He would be so gracious to allow you to even be a small piece.

Whatever you do, listen to this song and read the lyrics.

"Oh My God" by Jars of Clay (Good Monsters)

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

Facedown

2007-01-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

I don't know if words can do justice to the move of the Holy Spirit at Passion07. I have never seen so many students so fervent and passionate about God. There was desperation for His Name there. There was a desire to run after things of His heart, especially working on behalf of the poor, broken, and unreached. My heart is so full I can't even contain it. I am blessed just to have walked (and walked and walked) those long hallways at GWCC and Philips Arena. God was there. I almost saw His back. I must have, since I am filled with a sense of awe and reverance for God Himself that I haven't felt in a really long time.

I was so excited to get home and not because I am running on less than half of the sleep I usually get. I rested on the plane and listened to Tomlin's new album. By the time I got off the plane I was so excited. I am re-ignited about loving all these people around me. I already got to share some stories with two women I love here that don't know Him personally. I know God is calling them by the questions they pose. Please pray for their hearts.

Well, Passion08 will not happen, but several other smaller, regional gatherings will. And one will be in Boston. That is an answer to the cry and prayer of my heart. God, prepare the way! I will write more details once I get them...

OK, finally off to my comfy bed. I get a whole 7 hours of sleep tonight...that feels like so much!! I'm praying that God will heal my voice for tomorrow since I have my first gig babysitting at a Jewish temple. I will be there almost every Friday for the next 5 months. I'm praying for God to prepare the way for me to learn more about Judaism and insight into that heritage. And more than anything I want to be a light there as well.

Passion07 Day 1

2007-01-02T02:12:00.000-05:00

Check out my Xanga to see what was going on today. Please keep praying!

Giving from the heart of Jesus

2006-12-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

I am excited for Passion this year, maybe a little more than the last 2 years just due to Passion Conferences stated purpose of promoting social justice this year. They've taken offerings before, but never did they ask us all to donate towels and socks to the homeless community of Atlanta, and never did they show us up front all they ways we can give and serve our world. This link goes to a pdf file on the Passion07 site telling about those opportunities to give. If you're interested in those ministries, please contribute. But everyone, pray for the nearly 30,000 college students, ministry leaders, and volunteers who will be swarming Atlanta from January 1-4. Ask Go to open all our hearts to be the hands and feet of Christ with the resources and blessings we have been given.

On Turning 30

2006-12-28T23:52:00.001-05:00

In 30 minutes I will officially embark on a milestone, known as turning 30. This year, my birthday will include a trip to the Mass RMV to renew my driver's license. I could have done this via mail or online, but I want a new picture to replace the somewhat bad one from 5 years ago...and I also waited to the last minute, as usual. I guess my excuse is my parent's visit and my birthday's proximity to Christmas, but it really was just poor planning!

This birthday also has me remembering the last one, which included an uneventful dinner at a Japanese hibachi restaurant with a good friend and a not-so-close one. Then a surprise the next day as two great friends arrived in a car full of balloons, birthday cake, and presents at 8am when I just thought we were driving to Nashville for Passion06. One of those friends went to worship God full-time this year, so remembering her on this birthday is special. Passion07 will be full of her memories too as that was the last time we saw each other on this earth.

I'm not afraid of 30. I've done my fair share in this life--travelled to Europe 4 times, played first chair clarinet in my high school band, finished a master's degree, had my nose broken, sang karaoke on a cruise ship, lived in the country, lived in the city, and loved. My life is full of beautiful friends, a loving family, and a mosaic of ministry that I couldn't have imagined. God has plans for my life that are larger than I can comprehend. I'm glad that this year included some great highs and painful lows. My character has been shaped and formed by all of it. I am a better person for it.

To the God who formed me and knows me by name, thank you for this past year of breath. May I walk worthy of every moment of the next.

Space, Peace, and My Aching Back

2006-12-27T19:28:00.000-05:00

I rediscovered this week that it's hard to think with people around. I've gotten really used to being alone, controlling my time, and thinking a lot. That's probably why I blog quite a bit--I just need to let out all those things I'm thinking. Anyway, my parents visited for 8 days and I dropped them off at the airport to go back to Pensacola tonight. I'm happy to be able to control my space, time, and tv again. I enjoy having it off more than on, but my mother is a tv addict. I'm also really happy to sleep in my own bed again. My nearly 30 year-old back is starting to react to 8 days on my overly-cushy sofa. I'm going to enjoy my bed for the 3 days before I run off to Atlanta and not really sleep for 5 days. I'm ready to rest up.

Can't Sleep Again

2006-12-18T01:46:00.001-05:00

I'm in my cycle of staying up really late and sleeping really late again. I gave myself a pass this week because I was sick, but I think discipline is going to have to reign again. Mom and Dad arrive on Tuesday night, so I know they will be up and around bright and early every morning. That doesn't allow for much late sleeping when you're occupying the same 625 square feet as 2 other people.

I just finished watching Talladega Nights, which was really hilarious to me in its deadpan fashion of horrible redneck humor. I think it is funnier to me after having enjoyed 3 fabulous years on the Redneck Riviera. It was slightly off-color (of course) at times, but the special features on the DVD took the cake. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

When I was busy not sleeping late last night, I finished up the book Dear Church, which is absolutely fantastic. I read it in 2 days. It's penned by a 20something woman who explores some of our generations questions/frustrations about today's institutional church. The book is well-grounded in research and in touch with thoughts and conversations I've had with a number of people. I passed it off right away to a friend in my church, but I think I'm going to spend more time digging in it and working on each chapter's discussion questions. I highly recommend it.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2006-12-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

I was a movie maven this week--I caught 2 flicks and didn't work much at all. Weird, but that's my life now...on to the review!

The first film of the week was The Holiday--an overly-complicated amuse bouche (I've been watching Top Chef too much) that could have really done it for me. Despite Jude Law's obvious eye-candy factor, I was pretty much sick of his and Cameron Diaz' story line after the first 30 minutes. I do not really care about the hot people getting together, especially when it's just SO manufactured. Don't let me get started on Diaz' acting (or lack thereof)...I left this film feeling like I really wanted to see more of the Kate Winslet-Jack Black storyline. There was a unique sub-plot with their characters that I wished Nancy Meyers had spent more time on. Argh. At least I only paid $5 for the ticket...

Compelled by Thursday's Oprah appearance, I went to see The Pursuit of Happyness on Friday afternoon. The film was well-acted, gritty, and heart-felt. It gave me an even greater appreciation for the effects of poverty and desire to serve the urban poor. I would have loved it more if I hadn't been so off-put by the ending. Of course it's a happy one, but the message rang hollow. It seemed very much like the final message of the film was that happiness is found in money. I find that a sorely depressing thought and one that its utterly false. I wish they could have continued the inner monologue of the main character, Chris, and his musings about what Thomas Jefferson meant in the Declaration of Independence concerning the film's title concept. I think that pursuit is never-ending in this earthly body. I think it's what keeps us longing for home.

Vid of the Day

2006-12-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

This is a gem of a video--a nice little spoof on the Mac vs PC ads.

ICA, Illness, and Victory

2006-12-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, Rosana and I got to enjoy opening day at Boston's first new museum in 100 years-the Institute of Contemporary Art (ICA). They hosted a 12 hour free open house and it seemed like the whole city showed up. We arrived less than 2 hours after the opening and had to wait 2 hours after that to get in. But the place was worth it. Outside of the art, the building itself is an amazing addition to a somewhat forgotten waterfront in Southie. Check it out.

The rest of the week (so far), I've been sick. It's my first cold in a long time, possibly since last winter. It made me cancel my client yesterday and lose out on a babysitting job. Argh. I spent most of the day laying around yesterday, watching movies and intermittently sleeping. Today I forced myself to be more active, cleaning my apartment, sitting up and walking around more. It helped, but I still have a runny nose and I'm sneezing quite a bit. Much better than yesterday's loopiness.

Despite my poor physical condition yesterday, the capper of the day was a thick envelope that arrived from Boston. It was addressed to Jennifer A. Johnston, Esquire (hehe, who's that?). I opened it expectantly and was pleasantly surprised to discover that my little team was on the winning end of a legal trouncing. The unemployment hearing examiner sided with us on nearly every point of the law. Wow. Very cool.

Grateful

2006-12-10T00:52:00.001-05:00

I was beginning to think that my leap into an uncertain financial future was bunk. I've spent way too long not really doing much and starting to have to THINK about money again. I really hate that stuff--it makes my head hurt and starting thinking about what I need to DO to make it better. The mind races...

Well, I turned the corner as of a couple weeks ago. The money stuff wasn't really happening, but I committed to take that fear captive because I trust that God is my provider. I've had to speak my faith out loud about that over and over again, but the peace is creeping in. I can feel that warmth surrounding me. When my monthly paycheck from the main job was less than expected, I praised God for it and spoke my trust out loud. I can do nothing but trust and move on with His mission for my life, which includes volunteering at Passion07.

This is my 3rd year in a row as a volunteer and that week in January is always huge for me. This is the first time money's been an issue and the first time I had to fly there and the first time I don't have 2 friends to help foot the hotel bill. Of all the years for it to be expensive, it had to be this one. I booked the flight last month when the prices dipped a bit. I did it as an act of commitment. But I've been waiting on the hotel reservation until this week.

I've spent an inordinate amount of time on choosing the right combination of price and location. I'm priced out (and in most cases sold out) of downtown Atlanta, so I researched other areas in walking distance from MARTA. The area most reasonably priced and meeting the MARTA criteria is Perimeter--about a 25 minute subway ride from downtown. (I figure this is OK since that's about how long it takes commuters to get to Boston from here in Quincy and they do it in droves!) I found a fantastic rate at a Hilton Suites--$59/night if prepaid. I waited on the rate until I got my paycheck and...the rate was GONE. I was a little bit freaked. After several more hours of searching, I found a Hyatt Place in the same area for $69/night without prepayment. Perfect. But still that bill for 5 nights left a lump in my throat. How the heck am I going to float that financially without getting into debt again??

Then...blessings.

In October, I signed up with a babysitting temp service that pays very well. I hadn't yet gotten a job, but signed up for a weekly Friday morning gig that starts in January and runs through May. Then, I got a call at 10am Thursday for a 9 hour job that afternoon/evening. The kids were great and I worked for 10.5 hours. Then last night I SWEAR I dreamt about the name Alexa and I got a call this afternoon to babysit tonight for a family with 2 kids, one named Alexa. Weird. These kids were great too.

These 2 unexpected jobs netted me over $250 for playing and putting kids to bed. All I can say is that is such a blessing! I've never been so happy to work in my life. I've never been so grateful to know that God will provide a way to make the money I need to buy Christmas presents, eat, have a place to live, and volunteer at Passion. I'm understanding sacrifice in a fuller way and it makes all of those experiences that much sweeter. God is building up some kind of character of dependence, faith, and humility in me that I don't really understand, but I know it's for His glory. Lord, just make me look like You.